Thread by @HZiauddeen

🧵 Bullying and cyberbullying: feeling compelled to defend yourself

When bullies impugn your character, this for many people is the red line 'I cannot let this pass, I can't let them get away with this'.
Unfortunately this is a very common tactic employed by bullies.
(1/18)

A lot of this thread is not unique to this kind of bullying but I'll use it as the main example.

The bully attacks, and attacks, and recruits other people into the attack. Bullies can work in networks that are coordinated to varying degrees.
(2/18)

They also 'recruit' other people into the bullying in less active forms such as exclusion and isolation. Raising questions about the character of the victim is a powerful means of doing this because this elicits very strong reactions as well a kind of obscene curiousity.
(3/18)

The victim may have done action A (or is thought to have done it, no real basis is required). Compared to 'They did A', 'What kind of person could do A?' is usually a far more powerful motivator of social interest, disgust and judgement.
(4/18)

Such character 'concerns' or attacks can be more contagious and simultaneously be hard to both pin down as well as refute.
E.g. 'She thinks she's so much better than everyone else!'.
Did she ever say that? I don't know but you just have to look at the way she acts.
(5/18)

How does she act?
She doesn't talk to anyone, she just keeps to herself (because you've excluded her).
She got angry with us for no reason (because you kept harassing her).
She keeps crying, acting like she's the victim here (because she is).
(6/18)

Have you ever spoken to her yourself?
No, I don't like people who are so full of themselves.
Are you in the same class/department as her?
No, but I've heard about her from other people.

This is to illustrate the contagion and how the victim is damned if they do/don't.
(7/18)

As an aside, if the victim speaks to the people who have been recruited in this way after the abuse has passed, they often cannot really recall what it was all about (because it was about v. little that was tangible) & may be puzzled as to why the victim feels resentment.
(8/18)

For the victim, the attack on one's character is crushing. 'How can they say these things? How can they be this way? What could I have done to deserve this?'
They find themselves having to defend themselves solely because they are being attacked (classic abuser tactic)
(9/18)

The outrage at this attack on their character, pushes the victim into fighting back to defend their character 'I am not who they say I am'. The victim wants to at least give their own account of themselves if not achieve the outcome of defending their character.
(10/18)

The bullies don't care about the outcome, their interest is in the process i.e. attacking the victim. Every reaction of the victim becomes additional fuel to add to the fire.
The further the victim engages, the more intense the attacks.
(11/18)

They can't back down or walk away because it feels like they would be failing to defend themselves. And all the while they never had to.
The bullies got them into this position, and sometimes they are further trapped by their own very rightful indignation and outrage.
(12/18)

'I can't let them get away this!'
The victim tries to regain some power by wresting it back from the bullies by trying to win the intellectual and moral argument (which even if they win, will not lead to them being able to walk away having regained power).
(13/18)

The powerlessness and hopelessness of the situation are crushing.

What can you do?
Very often there is no way to win from within the situation.
However there can be the option to change the playing field and retake some of your power.
(14/18)

This essentially means refusing to play the game. The price will be knowing that you did not take on and win the moral and intellectual argument. That can feel v. difficult and like one has failed.
(15/18)

To quote my colleague @sadiestrong it's difficult because 'it activates parts of us that had no voice in the past' but 'the difference is choosing not to speak rather than having silence forced upon you.'
(16/18)

It can help to have other people remind you that this was never the game. For most of us there is little chance of justice and reparation within the systems in which we are bullied. Thus it is vital to find supports within the system and outside who will stand with you.
(17/18)

Others who will bear witness, who will remind you that your character is not in question and that you do not need to question or defend yourself, who will support you and stay with you either as you ride out the abuse or make plans to escape it.
(18/18)

PS: Just want to clarify, this thread is not about (or for) me or my experiences.
It is however particularly about and for victims who have the least privileges and most disadvantages.