Thread by @TheRealHoarse

My 13-YO was telling me a story tonight about how one of the friends in his group has said some things lately the group isn’t quick to forgive.

Then, out of the blue, he added:

“It’s like your sanding board. It leaves holes, you know?”

1/

It took a minute to process what he was talking about and then, oh my god, my parental ass broke out in the biggest smile…

The sanding board…

There’s a story there.

2/

When my son was six, he went through a completely age-appropriate little stretch where he would say something he didn’t mean in the heat of the moment.

Typical hyperbolic kid stuff in the heat of being mad.

“You’re the worst parent ever.” That kind of thing.

3/

Then, like most kids, he’d calm down, feel bad about it, and apologize.

It reached a point where I needed to teach him the limits of apologizing after the fact for having said hurtful things.

4/

So, next time it happened, I made him come out in the driveway and sit down.

I gave him a wood board, a little hammer, some nails, and told him to hammer a bunch of them into the board.

5/

Then, I gave him a little crowbar and made him take all the nails out.

He was not loving this lesson.

Then, when all the nails were out, I gave him piece of sandpiper with the words “I’m sorry.” written on it.

6/

Then, I told him to use the sandpiper to get rid of the marks from the nails.

He tried.

I let him go just long enough to realize how hard it would be.

7/

And then I took him inside and talked to him about the lesson of the exercise:

When you say something hurtful you can’t take back, you leave a hole.

Saying sorry doesn’t sand it away.

Be careful where you leave holes.

8/

We haven’t talked about that day or “the sanding board” since it happened. He was six. He is almost fourteen.

Apparently, he remembers it.

I had no idea.

9/

As parents, we do our best. We try to foster in our kids the values we see as important.

Yet, we never really know how much of what we tried to teach or model really sank in.

10/

But every now and then, your child lets you know they remember a little wooden board from years ago and the lesson.

Hurtful words leave marks that can’t be easily sanded away. Be careful where you leave holes.

11/

And let me tell you, those little moments…

…those times when you are just enjoying the person your child has become and suddenly catch a faint glimpse of your own purposeful work, boy, it is just gratifying as hell.

That’ll fill you right up.

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