Thread by @elebelfiore

#thread A year ago today, at the age of 45, I received my ADHD diagnosis (inattentive, with sub-threshold hyperactive symptoms). The breakup of my marriage, burnout and the pandemic messing up with coping and masking mechanisms developed over a lifetime of living with an

undiagnosed disability meant that I was feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, lost and lonely. And above all so very full of shame for my inability to cope, which I saw as the unmistakable evidence of character flaws and limitations to my capabilities that I had taken great pains to

Keep hidden. How, you ask? By working every minute of the day and night, harming relationships and my own physical and mental health. By pushing me to ‘make up’ for my lack of focus and organisation. I’m not going to lie: the diagnosis was life changing but also hard to come to

Terms with. It explained so much! And it was not all my fault! I can’t help the way my brain is wired! There are meds and strategies that might help! But 45 years worth of internalised ableism is tough to shift. I was crushed by shame. I am a disabled person! I am indeed flawed,

Like I felt like I was since childhood, when I knew I didn’t fit in even though I had no idea why. It has taken me a lot of work to begin to deal with this and to shed the shame: yes, I became professor within 10 years of my PhD but my laundry pile regularly bring me to tears of

Sheer panic and anxiety; my dishwasher terrifies me and I lose my phone at least three times a day even when I’m working from home. It is the tasks of everyday life that I just don’t seem able to get my scattered brain around. And it is mortifying. What is wrong with me? Well,

Now I know, and I’m working on workarounds that fit ME. I’ve spent most of this one year reviving precious ADHD counseling (from the fabulous @beccajiggens) and from a therapist who also has ADHD and ‘gets’ me. Access to work pays for an assistant that helps me keep on top of the

Little tasks as well as the big ones. Medication doesn’t seem to be working for me, sadly. But I am developing new ways of coping. I am privileged: I have all the support I can need in my life. I am forever indebted to my @wiasnofficial comrades and sisters for fist giving me a

Suspicion that I might have ADHD and then for supporting me post-diagnosis. So what I have learnt over this long, long year? That you can be successful and appear on top of things with an undiagnosed neurodivergence, but that it is no way to live. That you can be as productive as

Your peers, but the price would be your health, and it is not a price worth paying. That academia is a home to many, many diagnosed and undiagnosed women with ADHD - in my one year I have chatted to and supported at least 20 academic women, from PhD students to full profs, who

Were seeking an ADHD assessment. That universities are working hard on dealing better with mental health but that so much needs still to be done on the neurodivergent front, and that raising awareness is key. It is for this reason that, despite the deep, deep shame that is the

Bane of ADHD, I have decided to be open and outspoken about my diagnosis, and willing to talk to other people, especially academic women (trans women and NB people included, obviously!!), and especially those at the beginning of their careers. The waiting lists for assessments

Are years-long, so mutual help, support and solidarity are absolutely essential. My life has changed so much in this one year, even though it looks exactly the same from the outside. This is why I think it helps for those of us in less precarious position within academia to be

Open in talking about diagnosis, different types of support available and ways to manage. We need to bring ADHD from the dark of the deep well of shame in which it resides out into the open and shine a light on how workplaces and social spaces can become more welcoming to us.

This is my main insight one year on. There is a very supportive and warm neurodivergent tribe out there: find your people and never feel alone or ‘irreducibly flawed’ again. I don’t normally do long threads, but I really wanted to say all this. Thanks if you’ve read till the end.

Please share if this is helpful, especially with #AcademicTwitter #ADHDAwarenessMonth #adhdacademics #ADHD. Let’s make academia a more disability friendly place. 🧡