It's amazing what some people will tell themselves to make a half a million dollars a year working in a building built on broken dreams and paralyzed children.
9:30 am

Draft discovery responses calculated to conceal relevant information in a lawsuit involving a defective medical device.

Coach corporate executive how to answer questions in upcoming deposition in a way that will minimize his exposure to valid wage/hour claims.

Lunchtime conference call about feel-good pro bono project handing regulatory compliance for the lead partner's charitable organization funding sustainably-powered fidget spinner factories in Mexico.

Pretend everything is fine. It's fine.

Do some tedious task for a corporate-on-corporate suit that allows you to feel at least indifferent and apathetic about your time spent on this planet, as opposed to carefully sublimated shame.

Document review and due diligence checks on a pension restructuring plan being formulated to rob benefits from retirees.

Phone conference with tech executive client ranting about misappropriation of an algorithm that he was planning to use himself to misappropriate data while idly fantasizing about buying a new boat.

Listen to colleagues brag at the water cooler about their recent trial verdict in which they successfully defended a massive scheme of fraud by a major insurance company.

Write cease and desist letter to someone with no education in law, wildly mislead them.

Hop into your Telsa, engage autopilot, fully recline the seat, put on Sinatra's "My Way"

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More from @RespectableLaw

18 Nov
Oh I see, you guys must have planned the hell out of Afghanistan, huh?
That feeling when you're kicking in the door of an Iraqi family at 2:00am while screaming contradictory commands in half-learned Arabic. Image
lol his name is Jocko Image
Read 5 tweets
9 Nov
I don't watch sports talk shows so I don't know what's going on here. Why do they all look like regionally-specific meth dealers? Why won't the one guy sit down? Is he going to the beach later? Why is Rodgers wearing a Rise of Skywalker hoodie? What's with the other guy's head?
I refuse to turn on the sound but it sure seems like that one guy has a lot to say right before his Uber arrives to take him to LA Fitness.
I honestly feel dumb roasting the tank top dude because on any given day in July I look exactly fucking like him minus the chain and 20% less hair product. If his gold watch is an 80s digital Casio then we're practically soulmates.
Read 8 tweets
7 Nov
Hey media attorney for The Guardian, @ladywell23, I just read your threat to Eoin Higgins concerning his reporting on anti-trans views in The Guardian newsroom. It’s very bad and you should feel bad for sending it. Allow me to elaborate.
I suspect you know that you had no good faith basis to make the demands you made. A major media lawyer doing mercenary work for a corporate outlet should know that an allegation that someone is “anti-trans” or “transphobic” is not defamatory as a matter of law.
Mr. Higgins’ article certainly posits that anti-trans views have motivated actions in the newsroom, but the article does not accuse anyone of violating any laws nor does it otherwise impugn anyone’s reputation with an actionable false statement of fact.
Read 12 tweets
9 Oct
Our skepticism of big pharma is typically not about the efficacy of their medicine but the equity of their business practices.
Does big pharma downplay safety risks in its products? Absolutely. Is that any different than any other product manufacturer in this county? Not at all. That's the price of their precious deregulation.
Yes, the FDA is toothless. Yes, there is too much risk across the board. But given the global scrutiny, I see more risk in starting a new allergy medicine or boner pill than this vaccine. The idea that anti-vax is about fundamental safety skepticism of our medicine is laughable.
Read 6 tweets
23 Feb
The Neera Tanden Defense Squad is up to some weird stuff today.
If you want to know why somebody would act like that, here is a very grim pinned tweet that helps explains things.
Literal worms.
Read 6 tweets
22 Feb
Cleaning out my old Twitter folder and I'm going to make a thread of what I find. I'll start with one of my favorite tweets, a real gem from @UweBollocks.
Next we have the guy who started a Nazi micronation in his backyard based on Bitcoin. He managed to get me temporarily banned from this website when I answered his poll by saying I would fill his house with bees.
Do you remember when infamous Antifa leader Mohammed Markstein announced plans to execute all Trump voters on November 4th, 2017? Thank god they stopped him.
Read 23 tweets

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