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Sooz Kempner

29 Sep, 12 tweets, 5 min read

THREAD: How every model of the VW Passat series feels about how Brexit is going.

ORIGINAL 1973 PASSAT: Tells everyone "I can remember the early days of the single market" without elaborating. Currently out of fuel.

1981 PASSAT ESTATE: Has had the picture of Thatcher in that EU jumper as their Facebook profile pic since mid-June 2016.

Currently out of fuel.

1988 PASSAT: Certain that Brexit is great apart from at 3am where they have to share a bunch of pro-Brexit Facebook memes in order to get to sleep. Blames the fuel crisis on media hysteria, lazy lorry drivers and that one man with the jerry cans.

Currently out of fuel.

1993 PASSAT: Hasn't been home since July 2016 due to father's gloating at a BBQ. They almost reconciled at Christmas 2020 until the father referred to the Labour party as "your lot" in the family WhatsApp group.

Currently out of fuel.

1997 PASSAT: Gets up every morning to like every single Andrew Adonis tweet and comment "bring back Blair" under every BBC tweet about Brexit.

Currently out of fuel.

2001 PASSAT: Just says "no I'm sorry it's too stressful let's just talk about something else please" if anyone brings up Brexit around them. Secretly voted Leave because they used to find Boris Johnson "hilarious" and Leave was never gonna win anyway lol.

Currently out of fuel.

2005 PASSAT: Believes that, at the end of the day, Brexit doesn't affect them particularly and therefore is it really such a big deal? Didn't vote in the EU ref.

Currently out of fuel (but only coz of the pandemic which has been raging for 18 months IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED!)

2008 PASSAT CC: Voted Leave and has perfected doing a really really loud laugh over the top of anybody who expresses any doubt over Brexit, even if they're just on the telly.

Currently out of fuel.

2010 PASSAT: Has made hating Brexit their entire personality which has gained them a 40k-strong Twitter following. Canvassed for Lib Dems in the 2019 election but deleted all their "WE'RE GONNA WIN" tweets from the month leading up to that in January 2020.

Currently out of fuel.

2015 PASSAT: Said "no Brexit please, we're British" at a dinner party in 2016 and everyone laughed heartily and they've used that line a total of 86 times since and it's never garnered quite the same reaction.

Currently out of fuel.

PASSAT ALLTRACK: Claims they can spot "a Remoaner" at 15 feet. Currently on sixth Twitter account due to multiple bans.

Has three quarters of a tank currently coz they happened to buy a full tank the day before the crisis started and believe this to be evidence of their genius.

Thank you for enjoying this very sensible thread about how the Passats all feel about Brexit. You can encourage more of this behaviour at ko-fi.com/soozuk.

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More from @SoozUK

Sooz Kempner

@SoozUK

28 Sep

MINI THREAD: When Blair's Labour brought in the minimum wage in 1999 (after it was a big part of his 1997 manifesto) the debate surrounding it was: it will destroy small businesses and how will the public pay for it?

Spoiler alert: it worked out just fine, small businesses survived the dastardly minimum wage and it has had no negative impact on jobs. But living costs have gone up significantly so the minimum wage needs to rise accordingly.

A minimum wage now doesn't seem very radical, it seems like common sense even if you don't agree it should rise to meet the higher cost of living. But in 1997 the same arguments against it now being £15 were being yeeted about.

Read 12 tweets

Sooz Kempner

@SoozUK

27 Sep

I just had a "another shit Christmas then is it?" and remembered that last Christmas mother and I were in the depths of COVID and I woke up on Christmas Day itself to discover I couldn't smell or taste and sadly ate some Cadbury's chocolate fingers and it was like eating candles.

Mum took to her bed on Boxing Day like a doomed Victorian and was delirious and more ill than she's ever been before for over a week. Following her collapsing one night I was sat outside her bedroom at 3am for a couple of nights to check she hadn't copped it.

I, not quite with it, decided I HAD TO earn £££ in case mum couldn't work for a long time so I did a big NYE Twitch gig high on codeine and Lemsip and while doing Liza I went "ONE MINUTE PLS!" and ran off to check Anna hadn't died because how awful if she had while I was Liza.

Read 5 tweets

Sooz Kempner

@SoozUK

25 Sep

THREAD: I've read the Andrew Neil Daily Mail interview so you don't have to. The headline is all very funny but leads you to believe he just had a big tantrum coz #GBeebies was pure shite. I've read on to show you there's more to it than that.

So we open with this, showing that Neil is "unflappable", has been targeted by the IRA, jihadis...he's not easily broken, that's what we're getting here. But #GBeebies has him in LITERAL TEARS and that's just in an interview. He nearly had a breakdown!

It sounds TERRIBLE, the journalist is HUGGING HIM as he says he couldn't go on! The tech nightmare and how everyone was LAUGHING AT HIM online left him "in despair".

But...that can't be why he nearly had a breakdown...tech drama and Twitter memes...more to it than that surely?

Read 22 tweets

Sooz Kempner

@SoozUK

25 Sep

DREAM THREAD: Not that I'm feeling a bit fragile and insignificant but I just had a dream that I decided to audition for X Factor "as a laugh" and went with a friend. We queued up inside a Sainsbury's Local and for some reason our timeslot meant we were the last two of the day.

I kept saying "this is stupid, I'm only auditioning for a laugh, I'm gonna go" and my friend (PS she wasn't a real person in the dream and her whole thing was she couldn't sing and knew it) went "no no stay it'll be hilarious".

When there were 10 of us left a production assistant came out and said they couldn't see any more that day but we could stay over and be seen in the morning.
I wanted to LEEEEAAAAVE but my friend convinced me to stay so we slept on the floor of the Sainsbury's Local.

Read 13 tweets

Sooz Kempner

@SoozUK

23 Sep

Politicians aren't supposed to be hilarious and obviously all art is subjective but Boris Johnson's whole thing is "lol he's just so funny!" and, honestly, I've never seen a less funny man.

He botches lines that aren't mad-funny anyway but are recognisable as jokes written down, he just totally fucks em up like in the scene in Joker where Arthur sucks at comedy.

I think David Cameron was funnier than Johnson and he's really not a funny guy.

Read 4 tweets

Sooz Kempner

@SoozUK

10 Mar

In 2016 I was lunged at by an Hermes delivery guy when I was signing for a parcel in Ilford where I was housesitting. It was horrible, obvs. Later I had a gig and returning at 11pm I had to decide whether to walk 15 minutes from the station or get an Uber. NEITHER appealed.

I don't think a lot of people get that sometimes there are NO options that feel safe when returning home from something because, on that day in particular, men were fucking scary to me. The other option is: never leave the house and definitely never answer the door.

We're now three-and-a-half years after #metoo and people hear about a cop being arrested for the disappearance of a woman walking home at night and their first thought is "ah, she shouldn't have walked home alone at night". Fuck you, you have no idea.

Read 4 tweets

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