Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft is today's free Blink. This one is a bit different to the normal self-help and psychology books. This one is about abusive men.

Bancroft says abuse is complicated and encompasses a wide range of behaviours, both emotional and physical.

He notes that a lot of abusive men can be "charismatic, kind and fun to be around".…
The author here outlines a case of what he considers an emotionally abusive man. Moods could change in a flash, accused the other of being self-centred, overweight, lazy, etc.

According to Bancroft, abusive men seek power and control over their partners.…
Bancroft gives an example of a man who tore up his wife's college paper as act of revenge.

When I read it, I thought: how petty. But it was his was of controlling her.

"Control and entitlement are central to the abuser's mindset"
"For example, one of the author’s clients would forbid his wife from speaking to anyone without his permission."

Hold on. This sounds familiar, but it's my wife who forbids me speaking to people. 🤔🧐…
"Abusive behaviour is learned at a young age... (from) role models, peers and cultural influences."

I've often wondered where the impulse to smack my kids in anger comes from. It takes a good deal of self control to stop it.
Bancroft also outlines Eminem's "Kim". The rapper raps about killing his wife, and it received a Grammy.

What type of message does that send to society??…
Abusers can be charming early in a relationship, but they reveal their true colours later on. Abusive men are deceptive according to Bancroft. That's their underlying theme.…
Subtle signs of abuse:
-speaking disrespectufully about former partners or makes himself out as the victim
-be wary if they say they've been falsely accused of abuse previously
-getting too serious, too quickly
-doing favours you or family don't want…
If you suspect you're being abused, consider getting out. Earlier is better in Bancroft's opinion.

This is not a bad idea IMHO. The reaction to leaving can be informative.…
Before you leave, put a safety plan in place. Two steps- safety while still living together, and safety after moving out.…
"You can't change an abusive man; he has to change himself"

You can possibly substitute the abusive in that statement for any number of adjectives. For change to be effective and lasting, it has to come from within.
As a man, these blinks were not easy to read. We've had Christian friends where I would definitely say the man was abusive, and it's ended in divorce. Custody battles, etc. make it so messy, and the kids can become pawns between warring parents. It's awful.
And it's also not just men who can be abusive, but I guess because of temperament, socialisation, and physical strength, men are much more likely to be the abusers in today's society.
Part of me feels the blinks are possibly a little too simplistic b/c relationships are complex and nuanced. But I guess you just have to look at the stats to see that women are the ones who get abused, and I think of Rose Batty and her son who was murdered.😢
I'll think of this, especially later on when my kids start dating, to keep an eye out for a potentially abusive husband. @threadreaderapp unroll please.

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