Don't know whether my executive functioning has got worse or I've just underestimated it until now, but these days I find myself having to verbally narrate every aspect of a task in order to get anything done.
"Open the oven. Okay, now tray. Put tray in oven. Close oven. Mitts. Knife in wash. Grater. Now we fetch carrot ..."

I go on and on like this, otherwise I will just stare into space and daydream, forgetting the task or be unable to initiate it.

#adhdautism
I now literally give myself a round of clapping & pause to celebrate after getting the bare minimum done. I savour an accomplishment & force my brain to release some satisfaction chemicals. And sitting down to do nothing for a few minutes helps me to switch tasks.
Task switching for me requires closing one program, clearing the RAM, letting the computer cool for a bit, and then opening a new program. I'm slower because of this but I no longer care. I feel more fulfilled with the minor tasks of life that other people take for granted.

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More from @AutieAdorableMC

27 Nov
"Learned helplessness" was really one of the most damaging psychiatric concepts for me as an unknowingly Autistic person.

Being told that systemic inaccessibility, hidden disability, alienation & burnout was just a figment of my imagination was unhelpful.
It was basically the "problem" my Sixth Form CAMHS interventionists tried to address. If I could just remind myself of all the nice abled things other people believed about me, my grades & mental health would magically fix themselves.
It's ironic because actually I had a very inflated sense of my own abilities due to a decade of teachers equating my hyperlexia and previously good grades with abledness. I was aiming for A*s and Oxbridge. I didn't need *more* confidence. I needed taking down a peg or two.
Read 6 tweets
26 Nov
It regularly shocks me that there are no official resources or recognition of Autistic-specific cPTSD. We are just expected to be okay with the way we are treated.

Eihter because they don't see anything wrong with it, or we're not human, or both.
When I'm in a spiral I find myself googling for help even though I know it's just gonna make me feel worse. "Disorder"/deficit language is everywhere & recognition of Autistic PTSD is only in relation to specific events unrelated to neurotype that could traumatize anyone.
Meanwhile, Autistic cPTSD is more like burnout, sensory trauma, misinterpretation & punishment trauma, alienation, body language & masking trauma, bullying trauma (and how we might internalize bullying differently), trauma at intersections of identity, poverty, medical ... etc.
Read 9 tweets
23 Oct
Going through all my childhood books filled with #ActuallyAutistic drawings and writing (I have dozens of books), and there are some striking themes that repeat themselves.

So, a thread on hypergraphic Autistic play!
1) Lists. So many lists. 📃

Lists of books, artists, shows, movies, people, food, vocabulary.
Information sorted into categories from memory.
Imaginary budgets with items listed from catalogues.

I used 100s of notebooks & did this for years. Notepads/paper was my main "toy".
2) 🎭 Absurdist writing. Parodies of famous books and movies. Characters with funny names. Lots of puns and random chaotic plots. Slapstick violence.
Read 13 tweets
16 Oct
Constantly thinking about how capitalist society structurally excludes and harms me as a neurominority, and how Westerners spent 500 years systematically eradicating societies that could have taught us how to *not* structurally exclude neurominorities.

💔 Heartbreak.
It's annoying to see Conservative and centrist types who believe that this is just how things always have been and the only way to live. That only *wage* labour is valuable. The individualist bootstrapper mentality is a symptom of urbanisation and white supremacy.
I know my family history. They were poor Yorkshire sheep farmers and cottage weavers who moved to the city factories during the industrial revolution, then spent 200 years rolling around like broken cotton reels at the bottom of society with our "undiagnosed" neurodivergences.
Read 13 tweets
14 Oct
I usually avoid the subject because it's triggering and enraging but I just took a BPD quiz to compare the symptoms with #ActuallyAutistic/ND experiences and it's horrifyingly similar. No wonder there are so many neurodivergents misdiagnosed with this offensive label 😔
BPD "intense emotions".
Actually: Hyperempathy and the pain of daily allistic microaggressions. Very reasonable.

BPD "unreasonable anger".
Actually: Meltdowns from sensory or information overload, pain of being gaslit, insulted or misunderstood constantly. Very reasonable.
BPD "chronic boredom and emptiness".
Actually: ADHD. A constant need for stimulation and feeling like there's nothing new anymore, because once you've lived long enough, it's true!

BPD "lack of attachment".
Actually: An alternative attachment style or asociality.
Read 8 tweets
27 Aug
I feel like even the cognitive empathy deficit of Autism is wrong for me. I have plenty of cognitive empathy, in fact I think I consider multiple perspectives more than allistics do. I can hypothesize other people's suffering just fine, it's the empathic part that I feel less.
But when I do feel the empathic part, I feel it intensely because it's a situation that would deeply hurt me too if it was me. But there are certain types of suffering that I just don't feel because it's not driven by the same value system as allistics.
For example, say I love blue sweets but hate red sweets.

Someone loses their red sweets. I don't feel emotive empathy because losing red sweets would not upset me. But seeing someone lose their blue sweets *would* set off my empathy because I care about blue sweets too.
Read 10 tweets

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