Thread by @gradydoctor

1/
#TodayICried, Day 3 of 7

Grady Wards

Me: "How are you feeling?"
You: "Terrible."
Me: "Terrible?"
You: "Terrible."
Me: "The medicines aren't taking the edge off?"
You: "It helped a little bit, but now I feel sick to my stomach. My bowels are loose, too."

Hmmm.

2/
Your voice is quiet and defeated. This is different. . . and it scares me.

Me: "We put you back on what you were getting at home and--"
You: "I know that. Soon as you said that yesterday I started. But now all I feel is sick and queasy in the stomach."

*silence*

3/
Me: "I'm sorry. . . what do you mean by 'as soon as I said that?'”
You: "What?"
Me: "The medicines. You said you started as soon as I said something? That part confused me. Just wanted to get clear."

You reach under the bed and pull out a plastic Kroger bag full of pills.

4/
You: "No, I'm talking about my home medicines that you said to get back on."

Wait, huh?

Me: "Sir. . .wait. You're taking. . .hold up. . . you're taking these . . . and the ones we're prescribing in the hospital?"
You: "I did what YOU said."

He pointed at me.

5/
Me: "What I said? You mean you're opening these bottles and taking these pills in the hospital?"
You: "Just the pain pills. Just those like you was talking about." *takes out a bottle and shows me* "I took two of these here."

I look and then read the bottle.

6/
You have just shown me some metoclopramide to help with digestion. This is not a pain medicine at all.

Me: "This is what you took, sir?"
You: "Yes, I took my pain pills from home. That's what you said!"

Your voice rose higher and cracked a bit. You repeat yourself.

7/
You: "You said to get back on my pills from home!"

Briefly, I'm relieved that you didn't take double the amount of narcotic pain medicine, but that was only fleeting.

I rub my forehead with the heel of my hand.

Me: "Sir. . .okay. So this one actually isn't a pain pill."

8/
That was it. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

You: *splayed hands* "I DON'T KNOW!! I JUST DID WHAT YOU SAID!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE MEDICINES!!!"

Your body is limp and your shoulders slump. And you began to weep. An exhausted, exasperated, tired weep.

9/
You: "I'm so tired. I just want to stop my body from hurting. This cancer going all through my body. . . I know it ain't a cure but they said. . . you said you would help my pain."

Your hands are shaking and your lips are quivering. Each word was punctuated by a throaty cry.

10/
That cry sounded like it had been bottled up for all seven of your decades and I had just rubbed it out just like some kind of genie.

It rose out into the hallway, first slithering around my head and strangling my neck.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

11/
Me: "I'm so sorry, sir."

I pulled a chair close to the bed and sat right in front of you. You nod, still crying.

You: "It's okay."
Me: "No. . . it's not. I should've explained better. I see how you thought that."

You looked up at me, sighed, and then looked back down.

12/
I waited in silence for you.

Then, when you were ready, I asked permission to start over. Going through each medicine one by one. . . opening the bottles, pouring out each pill, and making it more concrete.

Yup.

13/
You told me that sometimes it's hard to see the words on the pill bottles and that even when you can, sometimes it's hard to read them depending on the words involved.

I tell you I should have asked that and I apologize for what feels like the one hundred-trillionth time.

14/
Then eventually, we get somewhere. I excuse myself with your permission and share this with the other members of our team. The intern, the resident, the pharmacist, the students. I let them see how sorry I feel and how much it hurt my heart to see you cry.

I did.

15/
And I cried as I told them. Their faces look sorry, too. For you and for me. And I say nothing to shrug it off because you being confused and in pain and frustrated just isn't acceptable.

After that, we all sat down to create a better plan for your pain.

16/
And then we made sure to explain it to you. Slowly, carefully.

Me: "Okay. So let's hear what you'll say when your daughter asks what medicines we got you on now."

You took a deep breath and told us. And when you got one part confused, we re-explained.

Until you got it.

17/
On the next day, you looked comfortable. No more loose stools and pain finally controlled.

I was so glad.

Me: "How do you feel today?"
You: "Peaceful."
Me: "Peaceful?"
You: "Peaceful."

Which made me cry.

Again.

Yeah.

💛

#humanismalways
#healthliteracy