Thread by @RadiantChiron

In this tweet DAG, I'm going to talk about how guided #psychedelic exploration helped me realize my own #childhoodsexualabuse and recover all #repressedmemories of the same.

I began guided psychedelic exploration earlier this year in a couple's therapy container aided by MDMA in an attempt to figure out if I and my partner wanted to be with each other in the long run. The MDMA created an open hearted space where we could discuss difficult things.

I did 2 couple's guided ceremonies, a month apart. In both, me and my partner were administered MDMA with a Psilocybin booster. MDMA opened the heart. Psilocybin helped me feel deeper into my body to ascertain my deepest truths.

At the end of these 2, I had a sense that I needed to explore a ceremony on my own. Synchronistically, at this time, I hosted a friend's 40th birthday party at my home where we did a group Psilocybin experience with 15 odd folks.

Before this ceremony, I noticed a release in the charge I had towards the song "She will be loved" by Maroon 5. A song that spoke to me about a child-like desire for a troubled older woman to be loved and wanting to fulfill that desire at all costs.

"I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while"

In the group ceremony, I started off inside an aerial hammock with my eyes closed. A womb like container. The experience started with me seeing a black and white grid structure with defined polygonal boundaries, which gradually evolved into colors. Evolution of consciousness.

I experienced alternatively a sense of individuation-separation and a sense of agony that came with it and a sense of merger and pleasure that came with it. These 2 states eventually started flowing and I felt a sense of bliss at the joyous dance of the 2.

This put me in a very playful, child-like state and I started whee-ing around in the hammock and gurgling like a baby. As I floated in this playful state, I suddenly felt a shift and a blood–curdling scream emerged through me, that reverberated through the house and the fields.

As this scream left my body, I could *feel* more into my hips and they felt open and less tight. Context: I have had hip related physical tightness issues (as many do in our age). I know now that the scream released some of my hip trauma. More later on this hip trauma.

A friend of mine ran into the room to check in on me. As I opened my eyes to see him and let him know I'm okay, I saw in his face – the face of my mother's father. I was pleased on seeing that and mentioned it to him and I felt more love towards him.

After this experience, I decided to venture out in search of my partner since I had said her name out loud a few times while I was in the hammock. I felt a desire to take my pants off and did so before heading out (this group was nudism-friendly).

I found her and she took me near the pond and sat down with me. She wanted to take this opportunity to share more of the challenges she was feeling in our relationship. I sat there like a good kid listening. As I often did as a child, listening to my mother share her challenges.

At one point, I suddenly felt a sense of disgust & shame around my genitals. I looked down and felt scared. I wondered out loud if I had had sex with someone. But I couldn't remember. She freaked out when she heard me say that out loud. So my attention went to placating her.

While attempting to stay connected to her, I noticed the tree behind her with its leaves. The leaves were calling to me. I perceived it as a sign that nature wanted me to explore it instead of feeling trapped listening to my partner. I stayed with my partner.

The ceremony ended. I felt a lot more loose in my hips for a few days after and that I could stand up more erect due to that. The link between physical and emotional trauma continues to fascinate me. Mind-body connection is real.

After this ceremony, due to some things that my partner shared with me in it – my relationship with her got worse. We had a torrid month of August and were both often in a triggered space. We decided to take September off and I decided to go to India – my home.

Before flying out to India, I decided to do a 1-1 guided psychedelic ceremony with my brother-friend based in NYC. My intention was to use MDMA to mend my heart so I could enjoy my India trip. I had started feeling physical pain in my heart–chest region due to the arguments.

A few days prior to this ceremony, my partner and I had a huge explosive argument. In that triggered space, I remembered a song that my mom used to sing to me as a kid – a song that evoked motherly love and deep pain for me, simultaneously. A very confusing medley.

The song is "Chanda hai tu"
In the movie, a woman gives up her son for adoption and then becomes his nanny. In one of the scenes, a person tries to rape her; the 11y old son sees it happening & kills the person.

I wondered if the confusing medley of emotions I felt had to do with watching the rape scene in this movie as a kid and being unable to separate the actress from my mother who used to sing the song to me.

As I sat down with my friend to initiate the ceremony, he asked me for my intention. What came up for me was "to strengthen my heart so much that I never have to reactively close it". I did not realize then how powerful an intention this was.

My friend said that he intended to guide me "back to where it all began". When he said that, I mentioned the song to him and asked him to play it at the right instant.

I started off with a dose of MDMA and started loosening up and getting very playful. Teasing my friend. Pushing him away, pulling him closer with what I said. I was feeling very heart open. I shared a lot of secret childhood sexual memories with him, mostly about girls I liked.

At some point, I asked him for the Psilocybin booster and IIRC for more MDMA. He gave me that and started playing the song.

Continued...

https://twitter.com/RadiantChiron/status/1480663735182053377?s=20&t=_0YeqjFXWFueJtrpt-7Pcg

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