Thread by @MeaveofConnaugh

The Cattle Raid of Cooley; Epidsode 18. Haven listened to enough of Fergus’ stories about Cuchulainn, Maeve orders her army to cross the river. On reaching the north bank, they are now in the territory of the Ulster king. But where is Cuchulainn? #TainOnTwitter

Far away to the north, the Ulster warriors at Emainn Macha are assembling to repulse the invaders. “Howyas” said the Ulster king “are yis looking forward to kicking the Connaught men back across the Shannon?”. But the Ulster men were uncharacteristically silent #TainOnTwitter

“What’s wrong boys?” Asks the king. “A pain” said one, “cramps” said another. “More like a gripe” added another, “tenderness” said someone else. “Misery” “no, more like a twinge”, “mine feels like a pang”, “Yes, a pang” agreed several others #TainOnTwitter

Alarmed to see his warriors rolling and moaning, the king calls his Druid. “Man flu?” Asks the king. “Thankfully not as serious as that” replied the Druid “it is Macha’s ancient curse - Labour pains for the Ulstermen at the time of their greatest danger” #TainOnTwitter

“Of course” replied the king “the Connaught army is on Ulster territory and fate has decided to evoke the Labour Pains Curse. It must be the time of our greatest danger”. “Youch” moaned all the Ulster men. “ah ye poor pets” smirked their wives #TainOnTwitter

Maeve’s river crossing was unopposed. They crossed the Pig Keepers Plain #Monasterboice & were getting on nicely until the found their way blocked by a fallen oak tree. “Another message” said someone excitedly “Cuchulainn again” asked Maeve. Fergus read the ogham #TainOnTwitter

“You cannot pass here until someone jumps over this tree” read Fergus. “You’re joking” said Maeve “this is either awfully stupid or terribly clever, I can’t decide - Fergus, get jumping”. Fergus jumped the oak tree and the army continued their northward march #TainOnTwitter

“Freach” said Maeve to her son “remove from us the strait that is on us”. “Do you mean kill Cuchulainn?”. “Exactly” she said. Freach rocked up to Atha Fuaid where he saw a young fellow bathing in the river. “Did you see Cuchulainn anywhere” he asked #TainOnTwitter

“Why do you ask?” Asked the young fellow. “I want to kill him” replied Freach. “Well, I’m him” said the boy”. “You’re joking?” said Freach. “No joke” said Cuchulainn as he grabbed Freach and drowned him in the river. “You are younger than I expected” said Freach #TainOnTwitter

The Connaught army came up and saw Freach stretched out on the riverbank. “Is he dead” asked someone”. “He doesn’t look too good” said everyone. Next thing, a troop of women in green tunics arrive and cart Freach back to Connaught. “Bedad!” Said everyone #TainOnTwitter

Everyone agreed that Freach had allowed himself to be killed too easily. “Where are we now” asked someone. “Tamlachtai Orlam” replied the Connaught cartographer “Orlam’s Burial Place”. “Orlam buddy, will you fight Cuchulainn?”. “Id love to” said Orlam #TainOnTwitter

As he rocked out, Orlam got a flat wheel”. “I forgot my puncture repaid kit” he said. His charioteer saw a lad approaching. “Howya”. “Howya, your chariot?”. “Na, the boss will be back in a minute”. Orlam came back - *chop*. “Youch” said Orlam as his head flew off #TainOnTwitter

“What’s with the Connaught boys” said Maeve “that they get killed so easily”. Orlam’s charioteer, an expert in psychology, ballistics, Iron Age warfare and covert operations said “......” before he could open his mouth, Cuchulainn knocked his head off with a stone #TainOnTwitter

“I’ll kill Maeve with my slingshot said Cuchulainn. “I’ve a clear aim. I’ll finish the whole Cattle Raid of Cooley now”. “Don’t do it, Cuchulainn” pleaded Twitter - *Swoosh! he missed, “TG” said followers of @MeaveofConnaugh as the stone flew over her shoulder #TainOfTwitter

“What is the name of this place” asked someone. “It might be called after me” replied the
squirrel, who was sitting on Maeve’s shoulder - ‘Methe Tog Briste’ - broken squirrel neck” #TainOnTwitter

“Right boys” said Maeve’s husband, Ailill “we got to start taking this Cuchulainn thing seriously”. “It’s just a bit of craic” said someone, one second before Cuchulainn knocked his head off with a well aimed shot. “Perhaps you’re right” said everyone #TainInTwitter

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