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David Burge Profile picture
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Feb 2 • 7 tweets • 1 min read
Breaking news from the Caligula News Network
if I had known CNN was such a nonstop spankin' suckin' fuckfest I might have applied for a job there
I reckon it's tweets like these that explain why my phone isn't ringing off the hook with media job offers
Once again, destroyed by my own honesty
CNN could completely solve their ratings problem by turning their studio cameras 180 degrees in the opposite direction
<James Earl Jones voice> This Is CNN Image
you're welcome Image

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More from @iowahawkblog

David Burge Profile picture
Feb 4
Fuck the Olympics
I am enthusiastically going to miss every goddamn second of them, you corporate totalitarian-fluffers
Don't miss the Xtreme stars going for the Toyota® gold in rad freestyle snowboarding on the Olympic® Games presented by Visa® exclusively on NBC and NBCSN! Download the Peacock® streaming app from Apple® or Google® !
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*may contain propaganda, slave labor, and virus labs
Read 12 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Feb 2
We should probably hire some better expecters
cnbc.com/2022/02/02/adp…
Nobody expects the Bearish Inquisition!

Our two main weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless unexpectedness Image
The expectation they refer to in the article was from Dow Jones, not the government. Whoever does it, economic forecasting is basically gypsies reading reading chicken entrails dressed up in a Box-Jenkins statistical model tuxedo
Read 4 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jan 30
Happy 136th birthday from #DavesCarIDService to the single greatest invention of all time: the car.
*the Benz Patent-Motorwagen, built by Carl Benz in 1885, patented Jan 29, 1886.

There is quibbling about what was the first car, and even the definition of car; self-propelled road vehicles date back to the 18th century, but Benz's patent car is widely accepted as Car Zero.
other contenders for the title: the Cugnot steam wagon (1769), used to tow artillery for the French army, and the Murdock steam carriage (1788), from England. By the 1830s there were a few dozen road steam carriages operating in England and Scotland.
Read 35 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jan 29
Today's episode of #DavesCarIDService is brought to you by the all-new 1956 Studebaker Golden Hawk -- the car that's irresistible to clowns!
Despite the restyling of Raymond Loewy's immortal '53 Starlight design and innovative clown ad campaign, by 1956 Studebaker was in an inexorable slide to doom.

Then, somehow, in 1961, their ad men declared MOAR CLOWNS.

Studebaker died in 1963.
*Studebaker's South Bend plant closed in 1963 after making 1964 car models, and a limited run of '65s were made in Canada. Shame, because Studebaker made some quite beautiful cars, like the 1953 Starliner and 1963 Avanti, both by Raymond Loewy Associates.
Read 26 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jan 28
Our vigilant asset forfeiture crime fighters are now knocking off armored cars in broad daylight
In the next sequel to Ocean's 11, state troopers will just camp out behind all the Vegas casinos and confiscate all the cash drop armored cars. Because, like, casinos are illegal in Utah
What part of "San Bernardino Sheriff's Department" did you miss?

If the FBI was interested in enforcing fed law, they'd be raiding/shutting down California dispensaries; instead they seem happy just fencing loot stolen from them.

Read 5 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jan 28
Image
Fun fact: probably the main reason Tesla stock is valued so highly is that they're unencumbered by the century-old local dealer albatross that other car makers have wrapped around their necks.
Another fun fact: Teslas get serviced at Tesla-owned service locations, not Herm Shlobnik's Buick-Toyota-Tesla City
Read 5 tweets

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