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Feb 9 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
"The science has changed," they explained, bursting from the focus group room while sprinting in a panic to the paper shredder
We have always been at war with Lockdownia
"My side"? Go bother an anti-vax nut, you're barking up the wrong enthusiastically triple-vaxxed socially-distanced political cynic
If I've learned anything from Twitter, it's that "my side" has a population of 1

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More from @iowahawkblog

David Burge Profile picture
Feb 10
Not sure I'd recommend siphoning diesel fuel or slashing a steel belted retread under 100 psi, but you're the expert Professor Tow Truck
I think the Fightin' 101st Tire Slashers may need a little training before we send 'em in
Once we slash the tires and empty the fuel tanks, how do we remove the trucks? Easy, put on a Harvard Hogwarts robe, wave your wand, and cast the ol' "Truckus Removem" spell
Read 11 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Feb 9
Play Mystery Boobs, the new board game from Adidas
*I was originally going to say "Tit-Tac-Toe," but I decided to keep it classy
"Hey! You sank my Boobieship!"
Read 5 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Feb 9
Finally, an organization that lives up to its name
ANNUAL REPORT OF THE MISSOURI FERAL HOG ELIMINATION PARTNERSHIP FY 2021

Mission Statement: to eliminate Missouri feral hogs

2021 KPIs: eliminated a shit ton of Missouri feral hogs (see supporting graph)
Read 7 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Feb 7
Sure farm life *sounds* good, but nobody ever warns you about the non-stop backbreaking labor involved in maintaining a herd of two cows on a vast five acre ranch
"And God said, 'I need someone to get up before dawn, fix their hair and makeup, put on a rugged designer Carhartt jacket, take a selfie in the morning sunrise with a cow, and IG that bitch before 8am.' And so God made an influencer." - Paul Harvey
Quick note to anyone who now regrets buying a cow farm because it looks romantic and fun on Instagram: you don't have to pet them and change their litterboxes
Read 5 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Feb 6
A Black History Month salute from #DavesCarIDService to the late great William Andrew "Big Willie" Robinson III. A Vietnam Special Forces veteran, he became the muscle car MLK with his credo "Brotherhood Through Street Racing" and his legendary 1969 Hemi Charger "King Daytona."
*The image is from a ~1970 ad for America Racing Wheels. A massive, imposing, yet gentle bear of man, Big Willie was the closest thing to a real life Fast & Furious character. If you've ever seen "2 Lane Blacktop" that's his King Daytona in the opening credits.
I was blessed to call Big a friend, as was everyone who met him. When he passed in 2012 I had been interviewing him for a never-published Garage Magazine piece. I do have a treasure trove of photos of his life which I will share at some point. RIP to a true American icon.
Read 37 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Feb 5
A very happy 90th birthday from #DavesCarIDService to IMO the greatest automobile ever birthed: the 1932 Ford, introduced February 9, 1932. Arguably the first muscle car, offering affordable V8 Power For the People. Vive le Deuce!
*Depicted above is a cabriolet, one of 14 available body styles. The Deuce remains arguably the most beloved car of all time, and the platonic ideal of hot rod material. Thanks to steel and fiberglass replicas, there are more 1932 Fords registered today than were made in 1932.
The key component of the Deuce was its powerful flathead V8, which Ford offered up to 1953. Its development was a monumental engineering task, costing $50mm in 1932 cash. The first production flathead is at the Ford Museum. Ford also tested an X8(!) as a possible motor.
Read 39 tweets

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