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Feb 11 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
FOX NEWS: Many people are saying there are rumors & speculation from very important people who think that there’s a chance Hillary Clinton might possibly be considering maybe thinking about challenging Biden in 2024

D: How is that even a story

R: OOOOH! I HATE HILLARY CLINTON!
FOX: HILLARY CLINTON HILLARY CLINTON SHRIEEEEK

D: She’s not running for President

FOX: It’s technically possible

D: We know this is one of your many distractions to scare your audience because Joe Biden just isn’t a very frightening boogeyman

FOX: We distinctly said SHRIEEEEK
R: Well, how is that different than liberals talking about Trump

D: Because Trump is still the de facto head of the GOP & almost certainly the 2024 frontrunner

R: That’s TDS! 😂 And by the way, any Republican who criticizes him is a RINO

D: Yes, your Party has clearly moved on
R: Make no mistake; we will mock your TDS until the microsecond Trump announces his 2024 candidacy, which we will enthusiastically support

D: Of course

TRUMP: A lot of things are happening! What should happen is the plan we’ll be announcing that’s gonna make people very happy

• • •

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More from @Dreamweasel

Dreamweasel Profile picture
Feb 13
“The solution to offensive speech is more speech, not less” is a difficult maxim to refute. But it is not without its problems, the greatest of which is that the loudest and most persistent voices invariably end up dominating the discussion regardless of empirical merit
I think some proponents of this ideology cling to a platonic ideal of the “marketplace of ideas” in which the wisdom of the masses is sufficient to separate valuable truth from deceit & chicanery.

This does not appear to be how it works in the real world.
We have similar ideals in our discussions of the economic “free market”, but when, say, Jimbo’s Mom & Pop Shop goes head-to-head with Jeff Bezos’ Half-a-Trillion-Dollar Electronic Megamall it’s not exactly going to be a fair fight
Read 4 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Feb 9
When “Guilt by Association with Nazis” is an issue that somehow keeps coming up
R: I am SO SICK of liberals calling us Nazis just because actual Nazis are on our side

D: Uh…

R: What about all of the good conservative beliefs Nazis agree with

D: Like what?

R: I know they REALLY oppose trade unions & support border security

D: Keep digging
R: By the way, today’s my first day on the Internet, so I will smugly inform you that “Nazi” is short for “National Socialist” and then pretend that actually means something

D: I will now wearily explain to you why that is irrelevant political sophistry: ⬇️
Read 4 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Feb 8
Imagining myself pocketing the 50 G’s and starting fresh, desperately trying to attract attention to my satirical dialogues about political gaslighting by stapling them to wooden kiosks & telephone poles
Hey, I don’t know who’s offering $50,000 to buy the rights to my Twitter account, but I’m sure a robust corporation like Disney Plus could continue to generate the blue-ribbon content my readers have grown accustomed to
D: Hello! I am D, a Democrat

R: And I am R, a Republican

D: Let’s argue about politics

R: OK

D: Have you ever noticed the similarities between Donald Trump and a poop-flinging monkey?

R: No, I never have

(choreographed fight scene and/or dance number)

R: Well, that was fun
Read 4 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Feb 8
THE RETURN OF COLBY, THE STILL PROFOUNDLY-FICTIONAL LIBERAL ARCHETYPE THAT YOU HEAR ABOUT ON FOX NEWS

COLBY: My goal is to divide the country by relentlessly criticizing the way Republicans behaved after the 2020 election

D: Are you suggesting that we weren’t divided before
COLBY: The only reason I continue to insist the January 6th rally was a big deal is to distract from the ever-present rioting & looting at BLM protests

D: I suppose there’s not much point in explaining “projection” to you
COLBY: We all know lockdowns are pointless, masks are a nuisance & vaccines are dangerous, but I get a great feeling of power when I force them on everyday Americans

D: So you’re the one
Read 6 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Feb 8
SHORTER GOP: There is no truth whatsoever to the liberal fiction that institutional racism still exists and we are systematically making it harder for black people to vote, two things that unambiguously make our country better and we have no interest whatsoever in stopping
GOP: There is also nothing alarming about President Trump bringing 15 boxes of White House files with him to Mar-a-Lago, as this would necessarily keep them away from the prying eyes of the Deep State Democrats & the Liberal Media desperate to bring down our finest President
GOP: Simultaneously denying and enthusiastically supporting every horrifying thing Democrats accuse us of doing is an impressively acrobatic rhetorical stunt that requires the undying credulity of our base and the embarrassingly short attention span of our national media
Read 7 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Feb 7
Apparently “Pulp Fiction would be ruined if QT left out the pointless N-bombs” is a hill some people are willing to die on
And furthermore
It’s probably more of a “butterfly effect” kind of thing, where changing one detail would mean ZOMG IT’S NOT THE SAME MOVIE ANYMORE and therein likes Orwellian dystopia and dogs & cats living together
Read 5 tweets

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