Thread by @AutieAdorableMC

Just realized that nuclear fusion is an accurate metaphor for #ActuallyAutistic school refusal/non-attendance.

I exerted vast amounts of energy, designing my whole life around this routine, only for a miniscule amount of learning to be generated in return.

The morning routine, the journey to school, being in school, the journey home, and the long recovery period took an obscene amount of time and energy from me.

All of it, in fact.

And the required recovery time was longer than the time available to me.

Say I need a few days to recover from a day of phyiscally being at school ...

I only had a few hours after school. Hours that also required me to eat, do homework, clean myself. I didn't have the energy because of school so those areas deteriorated.

Eternal burnout.

Every single day was net-loss energy.
Relentlessly. For four years.
Allistics have no idea what that feels like.

In my Autism notes I've described the school burnout as being a "dead girl walking".

The evening was simply about recovering enough energy to be able to walk out of the door again the next morning.

If I failed to gather that physical and mental energy overnight I'd take the day off. I literally could not handle any more.

I kept wanting people to understand that I would learn much better if I stayed home and used all that energy on learning in my own way.

(With ADHD medicated, of course. Otherwise we still have a problem.)

Being at school meant exhaustion. Exhausted brains don't learn.

Allistics have no idea that they've cornered #ActuallyAutistic students into a nuclear fusion situation.

They've no idea that we're operating on net-negative energy infrastructure and are expending vast amounts of energy to function. They think we're solar powered like them.

My brain had a whole research team of 100s of brain departments and erratic ongoing experiments just to figure out how to ignite myself each day and keep the reaction going.

I went through multiple forced rests and rebuilds.