Thread by @Deezovariez

Before I was diagnosed w #ADHD & figured out my autism, I'd bring up my pacing, rocking, swaying, skin-picking, tapping, & Drs always told me it was anxiety. I thought of myself as an extremely anxious person, but outside of specific contexts anxiety isn't much of an issue for me

I keep thinking about that insight someone had on one of my threads- that the accepted analogy for hyperactivity is "as if driven by a motor-" a phrase many AFAB people wouldn't reach for bc we don't tend to get motorized toys & often aren't encouraged to learn how motors work

Its a "boys will be boys" concept of hyperactivity- that hyperactivity is when little white boys are too loud/rambunctious. As a hyperactive girl, I did not get away w the kind of hyperactivity my male ADHD cousins did. We get told "girls are more mature" practically from birth

For a lot of people who grew up w the "girl" label our social acceptance & ability to just exist without punishment depends on throwing every resource into keeping still & quiet, going as far as to dissociate (daydream/ruminate) to escape the constant body discomfort of stillness

Even if externally we can cover up the agitation & discomfort, we talk about these issues when we seek help & we get inaccurate labels & ineffective (or harmful) tx bc there's no acknowledgement of how hyperactivity can look outside of cis boys (esp combined w sensory issues)

I didn't say "as if driven by a motor." But since I was a kid I've been talking about how my body feels like a rubber band pulled too tight, an overwound guitar string, a kettle w the vent blocked. It's the same principle as the motor analogy- so much energy it is overwhelming

I pace, rock, sway, tap, skin-pick, and so on because it feels right. It's what my body does when I'm not using all my mental energy forcing it into agonizing quiet & stillness. It helps when cold or heat or noise or texture puts all the nerves in my body on red alert. It's me.

Being told that my hyperactivity & sensory issues were anxiety blocked me off from effective treatment, got me misdiagnosed, but most importantly it kept me from knowledge that could've helped me plan for under/overstimulation & significantly lessened my discomfort

As a kid I'd cover my legs in icy hot & wrap them as tightly as I could in ace bandages. Thats what I had to do to relax my legs enough to eventually fall asleep. I knew what I needed. Pressure helped, but instead I was given breathing exercises, or not given any advice at all

There are consequences for building the entire research, treatment, & public awareness scaffolding around how middle class white cis boys experience ADHD/autism. Those of us who don't fit that niche can end up spinning out, alone, desperate, knowing something isn't right

it's particularly infuriating to remember all the times I said "but I pace/rock/sway all the time, regardless of my emotional state. I don't think it's an anxiety thing" and I just got bulldozed every time. They ate away at my own base of knowledge about my ADHD/A body & brain

Energy & frenetic movement are so heavily pathologized in women & in BIPoC. And the things we do to manage our excess energy/input & discomfort are heavily pathologized too. I rocked because I wasn't allowed to run wild, & that was used as evidence of anxiety & bipolar disorder

Don't wanna pull them into this thread without permission, but someone who QTed sparked something I hadn't thought of before: when we develop from a less-gendered toddler into a kid w a gender expectation attached to us, many of us struggle more- both internally & externally

My external struggle started in first grade, when I suddenly had to sit all day, be quiet, do tasks. That's when I started getting moved & disciplined, & became vaguely aware of the different standard for boys. The internal, emotional dysregulation struggle began around puberty

It's like the environment around you punches you back into your "correct" gender box at these points in life & it can stagger us. ADHD/A ppl can have an intense relationship w gender- we end up fervently rejecting norms or desperately trying to adhere to them to avoid punishment

I'm a cis woman. I'm hyperactive, I'm loud & very opinionated, I come off as ~aggressive~ for a woman. I'm not flexible, I'm pedantic, I'm a total klutz w bad posture. When I started consciously bumping up against ~sugar & spice & everything nice~ my distress intensified

I think so many ADHD/autistic ppl are queer/trans in part bc we have to interrogate our relationship w assigned gender early & often. My ADHD/A behavior is often considered "masculine." That left kid me struggling w my own sense of gender while trying to build a mask from scratch

Or I should say our own queerness/transness/nonconformity becomes apparent to us earlier? I didn't mean to say that we are queer/trans/nc just because of our neurodivergence, but rather we are constantly made aware of not fitting into the gender box & thus have to examine the box

I think my bipolar & anxiety misdiagnoses came from doctors viewing my ADHD & autistic behavior through the "girl" filter. Aggression is seen as ~normal~ in boys, so they can be ADHD/A & angry. Aggression is ~not normal~ for girls, so our anger must be a mood/personality disorder

Two kids can have the same symptoms, same behaviors, many of the same struggles, but one is in the "boy" box & one is in the "girl" box, so they get different diagnoses. My brother & male cousins were dxed ADHD as kids. I got misdxed & had to figure out ADHD/A on my own in my 30s