Thread by @delaneykingrox

Gandalf: Do you still have the ring?

The Dude: what are you talking about man?

Donnie: what ring?

Gandalf: the ring. The one your uncle gave you.

Dude: OHH, that one.

Donnie: What ring dude?

Gandalf: shut up, fool of a Donnie! You are out of your depth.

Dude: Big G is talking about, yunno, the ring. My inheritance?

Gandalf: do you still have it!

Dude: you need to seriously take it down a notch man, like, you are so tense. I know the ring you are talking about. It's in my car.

Gandalf: fetch it at once!

*standing in shire bowling carpark*

Donnie: dude, wasn't your car parked right there?

Gandalf: You left The One Ring in your car?

Dude: shit man, my Creedence.

Gandalf: we must find the ring!

Dude: what is so important about the ring, wizard Man?

Donnie: he probably thinks it is the One Ring.

Walter: shut up Donnie.

Dude: the what ring?

Donnie: no, the One ring. You know, The Ring of Sauron.

Dude: what the fuck?

*Later at the prancing pony*

Dude is in the bath, with a joint.

Dude: Hey, hey this is a private room. You can't, like, be in here.

Ring wraith: WHERE IS ZE RING LEBOWSKI?

Witch King: WE WANT ZE RING

Dude: oh hey, Nice Fell Beast.

Dude: what the fuck are going to do?

Walter: nothing.

Dude: seriously?

Walter: it was probably a fake. You remember Bilbo, he loved that ring. He probably had... like... like... a copy made. It's a ringer dude. The one ringer.

Dude: a fake? It makes you invisible, for christ sakes, Walter.

Walter: you want a magical ring that can make you invisible? I can get you one of those. Give me an hour and I can get you one.

Dude: you asshole!

Dude is knocked out by some orks and dragged in a limo.

He wakes up in a magical glade where naked nymphs are being bounced on trampolines.

An ent walks toward him in slow motion and smiles.

Ent: Hi. I am Jackie Treebeard.

Later:

Galadriel: will you look into the mirror, Mr. Lebowski. It is a good mirror. And thorough.

The Dude: What will I, like, see?

Galadriel: Even the wisest cannot tell, for the mirror shows many things. Does the female form frighten you, Mr. Lebowski?

Walter: dude, back when the westfold fell...

Dude: this isn't... what the fuck has that got to do with any of this?

Walter: I am just saying, where was Gondor, dude?

Donnie: what's the west fold?

Walter: shut the fuck up, Donnie.

Nazgul: VE ARE NAZGUL, VE BELIEVE IN NOTHING.

Dude: that must be exhausting.

Nazgul: SHUT UP OR VE CUT OFF YOUR LITTLE HOBBIT.

Aragorn: you have my sword.

Legolas: and my bow.

Gimli: and my axe.

Dude: I can't carry all that. Besides man, why me? Why do you want me to be the ring bearer?

Brandt: Mr. Elrond needs some discretion in dealing with the matter. There will be a substantial fee.

Dude:...

Walter: one doesn't simply walk into Mordor. Am I wrong?

Dude: no

Walter: am I wrong?

Dude: no you are not wrong, Walter, you are just an asshole.

Walter: okay then.

Donnie: are these Nazgul, Walter?

Walter: No Donnie, these are Uruk Hai. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Dude: Fucking Wormtongue. That man can bowl.

Walter: yeah. But he's a pederast.

Donnie: What's a pederast?

Walter: shut up Donnie. no, I am serious. He is a registered sex offender dude. When he moved to Rohan he had to go hovel to hovel.

As hotel california plays, we cut to wormtongue, licking the Palantir.

The eye of Sauron in the sphere winces.

Dude: hi.

Arwen: *speaks elvish*

Brandt: hahaha we are all very fond of her.

Arwen: *speaks elvish*

Dude: lemme just go to the cash machine.

Dude: okay, I ditched the ring in Mount Doom. Well, technically Donnie did because it was in his ashes.
Now how the fuck do we get home?

Gandalf: I shall summon The Eagles.

Dude: I fucking Hate The Eagles!

Well that crossover really tied the IP's together.

Walter at the Battle of Five Armies.

Walter: the aggression will not stand.

The Harradrim watch as Walter hits a Mumak repeatedly with a baseball bat.

Walter: you see what happens? You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?