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Mar 26 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
A priest walked into a pub and ordered a pint of Guinness. "There you go," said the barman, “but I warn you – we don't tolerate any religious conversation in this pub."
“Far be it from me," replied the priest. "In fact, I’ll bet you a drink that you mention religion before I do." "You're on," said the barman.
The priest sipped his pint, played a couple of songs on the jukebox, went to the loo, came back and flipped his penis out on the bar. "Jesus Christ!" said the barman.
"Thank you," said the priest. "I'll have a large scotch."

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More from @RCdeWinter

RC deWinter Profile picture
Mar 26
An old man walked into a pub, grabbed a seat at the bar and ordered a double scotch, which the barman promptly served him. After drinking the glass in one shot, he asked for another.
The old man said "How about a little friendly bet, my friend?". The barman agreed and asked what the bet is.
The old man said "I’ll bet you $30 that I can bite my left eye. The barman was puzzled but accept the bet. The old man then removed his glass eye and bit it right before drinking his second glass of scotch in one shot.
Read 11 tweets
RC deWinter Profile picture
Mar 26
Adam went into a bar. The bartender said , "What'll ya have, fella?"
Adam said, "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda."

The bartender handed it to Adam, who said, "Th-th-th-th-th-thanks."
The bartender leaned over the counter, motioned to Adam, looked left & right and whispered, "Friend, I know this ain't none of my business, but you know, I used to stutter a whole lot. But my wife found the cure. You interested?"
"Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sure!" said Adam.

"My wife heard about this cure: she performed all kinds of magical, passionate, kinky sex
with me and I was cured right then and there."
Read 6 tweets
RC deWinter Profile picture
Mar 26
How to give your cat a pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Read 14 tweets
RC deWinter Profile picture
Mar 26
A shabby-looking man walked into an upscale bar full of businessmen and ordered a Scotch. The bartender looked him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugged and said, "You're right. I don't have any money on me. But I'll tell you what. I can show you a miracle. If I do, can I have one on the house?"
The bartender sighed & nodded, and the man took a hamster out of the pocket of his overcoat. Before the bartender can tell the man animals aren't allowed, the man leaned down to the hamster and said, "Play."
Read 10 tweets
RC deWinter Profile picture
Mar 26
A man walked into a bar & asked for 40 year old scotch.
The bartender said "I'll see what I can find in back."
he returned a few minutes later with a glass and gave it to the man, who took a sip and said, "I asked for 40 year old scotch. This is only 12 years old."
Impressed, the bartender went into the back once again. He came back with another glass and handed it to the man, who sniffed it and took a sip.
“This isn’t 40 years old either. You've given me 20 year old scotch,” he said.
Read 5 tweets
RC deWinter Profile picture
Mar 26
A bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answered, "A scotch, please." The bartender handed him the drink and said, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replied, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer sitting nearby overheard the conversation said to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed but said to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The same guy walked in the next dat. The bartender said, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you have the nerve to come back!"
Read 4 tweets

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