Soooooo....
I got my first massage...
So this was kind of intimidating.... 
So....I walk in and she is like take your jacket off...
I'm like fine... Take my security blanket
She comes back like you gotta take all that off....
Listen lady I'm from Alabama we don't wear our birthday suits for nobody...
Unless we go together
Do we go together???
We do not
Now half of me really wants this massage.... That half is called my lower back
The other half keeps thinking about people getting arrested and being on the news
3 rules for being a Southerner
1 don't put nothing nasty in your mouth
2 don't be on the news
3 Saturday is for football... Sunday is for the Lord
1 don't put nothing nasty in your mouth
2 don't be on the news
3 Saturday is for football... Sunday is for the Lord
I ain't trying to be in nobody's news...
So I keep my pants on... Cause you WILL... Leave me with my dignity... You WILL 🗣️
Okay she's 5 foot flat....
I'm thinking... This will be fine... Cause I'm a tough guy
She starts to rubbing and a kneading my back
And that's cool because I told her I want y'all to rub on my back... Just my back
She keeps rubbing...
Then I hear something drop in the floor
Now I can't see... Cause it's dark.... And cause she took my glasses.... These are not show glasses...I cannot see....I need these
I don't know what hit the ground.... But I should have known something was up
What I failed to acknowledge were the two... What can only be described as parallel bars attached to the ceiling....
Now....I know when I'm being straddled.... That young lady straddle me... And put TWO of God's best elbows in my spine
The sound that left my body can only be described as a curdling scream
"are you okay"
Me: are you doing what you are supposed to be doing up there????
Her: you are okay
Me: are you doing what you are supposed to be doing up there????
Her: you are okay
At this point we have completely left the world of kayfabe massages.... These are shoot massages... Ain't no tools, utensils, or accessories.... Just a woman, a towel, and some oil
She keeps telling me to breathe.... Cause I'm holding my breath ... She afraid I'mma pass out... I'm afraid to
I hear something else hit the floor
Her shoes
Lady... Why you take your shoes off???? What you take your shoes off for?
She grabs the parallel bars and starts digging into my back
She pulls up on the bars... And she puts her big toes in my vertebrae
Like a ballerina
She on my byke in full Misty Copeland mode
She yelling down to me..."are you okay" .... Now I haven't been okay since we started... But I'm not telling her that cause... Patriarchy
She starts jumping on my back .... And stuff start cracking and a popping
I let out what can only be described as a soul fart....😱
She hops off my back.... She has some of the most soft yet firm hands.... Like flesh marbles... Hands just full of strength
Sharp elbows, sharp knees...
Now at this point... I'm thinking lady you gotta wrap this up....I need some time to myself
No
She pulls down my britches just below the anchor of my booty crevice
Now...I am on high alert... Because I don't want her sending one of them elbows near the anchor of my booty crevice
If she put an elbow in my booty crevice... We go together... So this cannot happen
I'm trying to wiggle back down to make my pants go back over my butt.... Cause insecure
Thank God for Jesus I wash completely
She sends that elbow down yonder ... And because I'm not an adult ...I giggle
I'm praying for maturity... It ain't came yet
"sir it's 40 the hour"
Ma'am... Do I look like I can take another thirty minutes of this?
Ma'am... Do I look like I can take another thirty minutes of this?
She done rubbed me so deep that I'm tingling all over....I think she done messed up my blood sugar
Massage over... She gonna go and put on some lipstick like"you know what's up"
I sure do... I'll be back next week
