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Creative Director. Commercial Food & Drinks Photographer & Content Creator. TV + Film Writer.
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Feb 8 60 tweets 11 min read
Georgie's Fate.

A very old 25 year old man is dragged into the docks.

He is weak, his face looks like he is suffering from vitiligo. Or he had been dragged on the tarmac. Or, maybe he survived a fire.
#DeadInKilimani Image ***
Disclaimer: Similarity of names and situation purely coincidental.
A festering wound behind his ear has been neatly dressed. A fresh gauze. A wettish yellow stain is growing. He has an oversized shirt. Cleaner than his black and white striped pants.

He can barely walk.
Aug 24, 2022 14 tweets 4 min read
Episode 3 of 4
Kileleshwa Nairobi.

Shiro and Jackie pull up to an apartment in Kileleshwa, Nairobi. Shiro is obviously nervous and worked up, so it is Jackie who has to speak to the watchie. He refuses to let them in.
#DeadInKilimani The apartment they want to go is already let and occupied. And no visitors allowed. Ama waongee na landlord, mama mwenye apartment.

Jackie says they are scared their pal may be in danger and they need to just make sure she is ok.

It is the folded 500 note that does the trick.
Feb 13, 2022 11 tweets 3 min read
Bwana every estate needs a person who is bold, tough, militant, Taliban and one who willing to do crazy things that peace loving people would have to go sijui where to be fitted with grit and toughness.

We hate her guts, guys, but that madam in Hse No. 256 is that person for us. Mimi by the way sipendagi kuongea juu ya neighbors wangu generally, but hii ya leo imenibidi.
The guy in Hse. 74 is living with a new woman. The other his person we knew left. And the new woman is, well, old. People can live with whoever they want.


Feb 10, 2022 9 tweets 2 min read
This year we have to do two things:

1. Give jobs to local content creators, to create content they can make money with. If we can drop btw KS. 20-40M, ALL AT ONCE, sio in small small thousands, into the digital creative community, tutakuwa tumefanya kitu.

Give 40 people KS. 1M. The money must go beyond just money.

It must come with access. REAL ACCESS. It must be access to parks, access to people, access to cities and cities' rooftops. Access to security and experts. Access at all levels.

20 independently curated content will PUSH the industry up.
Oct 23, 2021 4 tweets 1 min read
Here's the 411.
So Mama Tuyu 'left' because Baba Tuyu 'wanted' more kids and Mama Tuyu was like 'Zii.'

So Baba Tuyu went ahead to look for Hadija. And got married.

But now, Hadija wants to get her Masters and she doesn't want kids yet. My friend. So Baba Tuyu alikasirika and decided to get someone to get him the kids he wants.
So today we got the notice in the Estate Wozzap that there's going to be an introduction event next weekend.

Then 256 has said that event won't happen in the Estate. Ipelekwe kwingine.
Sep 20, 2021 23 tweets 5 min read
1. There was a man, from Kivu, Congo. John Paul was his name. He lived a good life. To afford the godd life, he did bad things on the behest of evil greedy men who could pay for the bad things he could do. The kind of bad things that gave him, even, nightmares. Bad things that gave even worse nightmares to people who survived his encounter.

Soon, he had a ‘Road To Damascus’ encounter. And the voice in the bright light that shone on him demanded his life. He changed his life, distributing his portable possessions as he headed East...
Sep 18, 2021 4 tweets 1 min read
Anyway, meanwhile at the Estate.

256 had said they were moving back to shags but ni kama hawakuwa wamesikizana na Osband. Coz Osband told the security not to let anyone view the house. Because he already has someone who has booked it. But he didn't tell 256. In fact Former SQ guy 108 had asked if he can refer someone who was looking for a house, but 256 akamwambia, 'Wewe umeanza kushi kwa nyumba juzi leo umeshakuwa agent?'

So 108 aka-catch vibaya sana. He was genuinely offended. He said his only mistake in life was living in an SQ.
Sep 17, 2021 4 tweets 1 min read
By last year, at the Season Premiere of Uhunyes Lockdown 1, we'd been blowing up our medical cover consistently.

To the point where Le Partner and I just did cash at consultation and let the outpatient cover the girls.

And it was cold this, cough that, infection that other one. From lockdown one up until schools re-opened, we barely went to the hospital. Maybe once or twice. And when it did, it wasn't the common things. Dental appointments & gikmakamago.

Zero colds.

The concoctions, staying at home made sure we were all well for as long as we could.
Sep 2, 2021 19 tweets 5 min read
Previously on...
Georgie gets home.
Cops are all over.
A lady is down on the floor bleeding.
He get mobbed by cops.
He wakes up, somewhere, with a dislocated shoulder.
And he doesn't know where his family is.
#IKnowAGuy Ssn 7.
Ep 2/3
#GunsOfNairobi ~
Disclaimer: Tutulie please. Similarity of names, locations and conversations are all purely coincidental. Haitaki hasira.
Around 7:00pm, the door is opened.

He knows the time because he can hear the Swahili bulletin.

Two guys in lab coats come and lift him from the floor.
Jun 14, 2021 12 tweets 2 min read

The womens at Houses No. 18 and No. 19 are BFFs.

Ok. They were BFFs until yesterday. But their relationship ended yesterday. Na nyumba zimeshikana.

😭😭😭 So number 18 is reaaaaaally nice. And cute. Very cute. Like OMG she is so cute if she was a vegetable she'd a cute-cumber.

I digress.

Number 19 na yeye pia sio mbaya saaaaaaaaaaaaaaana. Ni vile amependa makeups na stuffs kama hizo.

Enegwei. So both No. 18 & 19 had housies.
May 11, 2021 41 tweets 8 min read
The Eastleigh Boys.
Episode 2 Part One.
The perfect Monday morning.

Three Somali boys, Ahmad, 28, Aden, 28 and Yasiir, 32, walk into a coffee shop inside that Kilimani mall. They are wearing some nice designer fitting suits, and shoes.
I Know A Guy: Season 6.
THE EARTHMOVERS DISCLAIMER: Names and Locations purely coincidental. Haitaki hasira.
They all have an athlete’s, or soldier physique. They smell great as well. They are carrying some papers in a folder.

They look around, before noticing, Thomas, the person they are here to meet.
May 3, 2021 49 tweets 11 min read
#IKnowAGuy: Season 6
PART 3 OF 3.
3 years later. The case is still going on.

In that time, she is moved to the Prime Minister’s office, as the Secretary. An upgrade, of course.

She is expected to retire in 5 years. Aingie system ya pension.

#Thread Image ***
Disclaimer: Similarity of names, places and situation purely coincidental. Haitaki hasira.
Margaret cannot believe that she can be this high up in gava and very close to power but she still cannot seem to make any headway, and even get any help to get her land
Apr 27, 2021 46 tweets 10 min read
PART 2 OF 3.
Kriiiiing’. Kriiiiing.’

Those old school phones with a dial spinner rings on the 22nd Floor of Treasury Building.

A lady, the PS’s secretary picks it. She picks phones for a living. Alafu responds to the needs. She's a virtuoso. ***
Disclaimer: Similarity of names and situation purely coincidental. Haitaki hasira.
‘Hallo. Nataka kuongea na madam Margaret.’
‘Speaking. Naongea na nani?’
‘Ni George. Hawa watu wamekuja hapa. Wamekuja wamebeba mwili na sanduku ati wanataka kuzika.’
‘Watu wagani?'
Apr 14, 2021 35 tweets 8 min read
I Know A Guy | Season 6
Episode 1 of 3.

Johns, a burly guy with a big tummy, and ideal weight of a heavy person, leaves his home in Njiru as early as usual, a short distance off the main Kangundo Road. It is about 5:25am.

A Thread.
#TheEarthmovers Image ***
Disclaimer: Similarity of names and situation purely coincidental.
He drives his beloved Maria, a green tinted Rover HSE, on the lonely path. He can see beams of lights, other cars on the main road.

Just before joining the road, he notices two cars on the side.

Feb 13, 2021 17 tweets 4 min read
Yaani the lawsuit against Esto has taken a whole turn.

But first, how we got here.
Our Esto has 3 full time employment departments.
1, Security & Safety. 2, Engineering & Technical. 3, Grounds and Works. For real, these are actual jobs.

Security and safety is more obvious. Engineering and technical hao ndio wanakuwanga na kazi mingi na ngumu.

Mara stima.

Mara pipe ime-burst, mara mtu anataka kuoshewa gari. Sijui Kenya Power ama Nairobi Water, sijui Safaricom wanataka kuweka net... All major issues that affect the whole esto, hiyo ni yao.
Dec 19, 2020 16 tweets 4 min read

Mrs. 178 set up a WhatsApp group last week to organise a surprise house warming for 108 who moved into a main house.

[PS: 108 will forever be 108. Ata aende wapi.]

Anywho, sguys jitolea what they bring ama cash pledges.

Mrs. 256 and a few others are not in this group. On Tuesday, Mrs. 256 is added to the group.


And I had said huyo Mama asiingizwe. Hawakuniskia. Kiburi tu.

She says she wants to be in charge of the women delegation, alafu she says she has a special surprise for the young man.

She also says she wants to be treasurer.
Dec 17, 2020 4 tweets 2 min read
Season 5
The Swindlers - Coming Soon.

This girlie opens the door of her apartment and locks it behind her. But there is some uneasiness.

Like someone else is in there. She rushes to her daughter's room, finds her asleep. Just like she left her an hour ago. Phewx.

But she's still scared. Very scared for someone who has walked from Tamasha to Rose Avenue past 10pm.

She goes into her bedroom, gets under her blanket and whispers a prayer.

Lights off.

Kidogo, she someone breath out sloowly.

She freezes.

Her heart is in her tummy.
Nov 21, 2020 5 tweets 1 min read

The guys at house 147 ordered at about 2pm lunch and a mzinga, but it was delivered to house number 47.

Imagine watu wa 47 wamesema walidhani wametumiwa care package with an 'anonymous' person.

Wamemaliza chakula yiote, na mzinga ishafunguliwa.

Leo ni leo. Kitaeleweka. The guys at 47 have offered to cook for 147.

147 guys are maaaad. Naskia kuwafungulia paybill gofundme aki.
Nov 20, 2020 4 tweets 1 min read
An Old Poem.
If we must ever have to write each other, it must be poems.
You must write in short sentences, using catchy phrases.
It must be in at most three verses that stand alone, but that find much deeper meaning in each other.
Nothing more than a page. Maybe slightly more. If you should ever write me a poem, it should take my whole being into it. My mind, my heart, my body and my strength.
It must not have my name, but whoever reads it must know it is me.

It must be short and sweet, it doesn't matter how much rage is there. Sweet rage even.
Nov 16, 2020 66 tweets 13 min read
The Real F**boys of Nairobi.
Ssn V: Ep 4.
December 14, 2014.
Mambashani, Pwani.

Stephanie calls home to check on Kaylan, her 2 years old boy.

It is 6:00pm. The phone rings until disconnects. She gives it a few minutes, in case the call will be returned.

#TRFNrb Nothing.

She tries a couple more times.



She chills kidogo, looking extremely calm on the outside.

An hour later, she calls again. Ala? It takes a while to connect. And then now, the nanny's phone rings funny. Like… she is out of the country.

Ai... Strange.
Sep 21, 2020 45 tweets 11 min read
The Preacher's Wife Ep 3B.

Mike drops Cate home after surprise birthday bash fails. Their lips decide to touch. While their lips are touching, the Pastor decides it is the perfect time to arrive home.
The Real ***kboys of Nairobi,
#TRFNrb ***
Disclaimer: This story may trigger emotions for some harm is outrightly intended. Similarity of names and situation purely coincidental.

Plug: This Episode has come out faster than I thought, because @Niloticbantu_ and @mumssoulfood sent good munchies.

Thank them oya!