Thread by @NortherlyRose

#Thread
Several people asked me why I was bothering to get an autism assessment when I was almost 59.
My children were adults, my career was on the wane, I had already lived a lot of my life.
What difference would it make for me to discover that I was #ActuallyAutistic then?
1/

I knew I was autistic long before the psychologist told me.
I’d met other autistic people in an online forum and recognised myself.
It was undeniable.
I awaited the result of my assessment with trepidation simply because I knew some people wouldn’t accept self-identification.
2/

This has turned out to be a profound discovery.
In many ways my late in life enlightenment has been life changing.
Someone I interviewed years ago said ‘once I understood I could cope’ (this has been true for me too).
An overarching theme is being able to make sense of things.
3/

After a period of prolonged introspection, when I re-examined what had happened to me in the past, I finally came to terms with some traumatic things.
They lost their sting.
That in itself was liberating.
I’m so much better equipped to protect myself from harm, and drama, now.
4/

I’ve begun to repair the relationships which matter most to me.
I’ve begun to pick up the threads of my career.
I’ve begun to self-advocate more effectively in health care settings.
I’ve begun to practise self-compassion and self-care.
This has been a late in life revelation.
5/

That is not to say that my struggles don’t persist.
The world is quite poorly designed to meet autistic needs.
I have to seek out people and places which are relatively friction free.
This limits opportunities.
And any amount of social interaction requires some recovery time.
6/

But my life is immeasurably better simply for knowing that I’m #autistic.
I no longer agonise over why bullies sometimes target me;
why miscommunication occurs;
why I get overwhelmed and exhausted; why I need time alone; why I’m sensitive; why I have few friends.
This is why.
7/

It’s so blatantly obvious I wonder how I missed it.
Once the veil was lifted things began to change, over time and with considerable effort.
I understand why some people choose not to take this course.
Things had to be undone before they were rebuilt.
It got chaotic and messy.
8/

It’s still not safe to be openly autistic in some personal and professional settings.
I’m privileged in not having to conceal who I am at home, or work.
There can be adverse consequences, but it’s liberating not having to worry about my mask slipping, or developing cracks.
9/

When I meet people who think they may be #autistic a conversation about #assessment is sometimes sparked.
Self-identification is valid, and #diagnosis doesn’t often give access to resources.
Recognising that we’re autistic is the important thing.
And we can do that ourselves.
10/

I also understand and respect people who choose not to discover that they are autistic, or not to disclose it to others if they do.
Most societies are still very ableist.
There are likely to be repercussions.
It was easier for me because I had less to lose so I could risk it.
11/

There’s a lot of privilege involved in getting an autism assessment in the first place and then making the lifestyle changes that are needed to live comfortably and thrive.
Many additional pressures exist for people who live in poverty or who have caregiving responsibilities.
12/

Women are often multiply disadvantaged by not being recognised as #autistic, while having fewer resources and greater demands.
It’s not surprising that they end up in crisis.
Even then they may not be recognised as #ActuallyAutistic, unless they work it out for themselves.
13/

Discovering that I am autistic has made all the difference in the world to me.
But it might easily not have happened.
What if an ex-colleague hadn’t emailed me about her diagnosis?
What if I hadn’t been able to bypass my GP and get assessed privately?
What if I’d never known?
14/

I’d still be scared to look over my shoulder at the past.
I’d still burn with shame about situations where I was abused.
I wouldn’t have developed pride in my autistic identity.
I wouldn’t have found ways of living more comfortably in the world.
I wouldn’t be writing this.
15/end

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