That day, I did not mean to lock my sister in the freezer. We were playing #hideandseek.
Story....story....story!
Once upon a time....time time.
My people, issa thread.
It was one of those days; the sweltering heat was softened by cool breezes and leaves swayed on the trees, their shivering letting permitting the speckled rays of sun to touch the ground.
The adults were all away; my parents at work and the maid had gone to the market. We were outside, me, my siblings and a cousin. As it is said amongst my people, we were playing the lives of our heads. That means, we were having the time of our lives at play.
I don’t remember why we left the mango trees that afternoon; perhaps we were tired of eating the fruits. Or maybe the sun was too hot. I don’t know.
But I do remember that someone suggested we go inside the house and play #hideandseek. It may even have been my suggestion.
Inside, we went. We took turns. I would hide and count one to ten, then open my eyes and start searching.
“Ready or not, here I coooommme…” I shouted.
Of course, finding them was easy. The way they ran, noisy as little mice stumbling in the dark; it was easy to tell.
“Found you!” I’d yell each time I found one of them.
We would fall over each other, laughing our heads off. Don’t ask me why that was funny; it just was.
This went on until it was my immediate younger brother’s turn.
“One, twoooo….thereeee…,” he started counting.
I ran behind the curtains in the parlour, the one closest to the door. Then I changed my mind; too obvious. I made for the wardrobe in the maid’s room. No one would look for me here, I thought.
As I stepped in and tried to close the door, my three-year-old sister, our lastborn, held it back with her chubby hand.
Then she wriggled her body through the narrow opening and planted herself beside me inside the wardrobe.
I tell you, lastborns are the most annoying people on the earth!
Pests, the lot of them. They want to follow you everywhere and snitch on you with impunity. If they’re girls, they grow up and steal your dresses, perfumes and novels.
My sister was no different.
“Why are you here?” I hissed in annoyance.
“I want to hide with you,” she replied. “You people are always finding me when I hide by myself.”
“Fiveeee….siiiiiixx……,” I heard my brother drawl from his bedroom.
“Ohhhh! You’re going to make them find me!” I snarled.
You see, my sister had a tendency to giggle. That’s why she was always easily found.
“Eigggghhht…..eight and a haalff….”
I was desperate.
“Come, let me hide you,” I said.
Without waiting for her to agree, I snatched her up and dashed out to the lobby.
As quietly as I could, I lifted the lid of the freezer and somehow managed to drop her inside.
“Koko, it’s cold,” she said, shivering as her feet settled on the packs of meat and containers of soups and stews.
“Don’t worry,” I said hurriedly. “You won’t have to stay here for long. Once they don’t find you, you’ll win and I’ll come and take you out.”
Before she could offer any protest, I shut the lid and raced back to my hideout, and just in time.
“Teeennn!” my brother called out.
I heard him begin to search. One after the other, he found us. As before, we’d each laugh and laugh at being found.
That's when my cousin said she should go next, instead of my sister. We agreed, for we all didn’t want Baby sister to slow us down.
And so, the game went on.
It was my turn again, when Mama returned form the school where she taught Integrated Science and Biology. As was the custom, we all filed out to greet her.
“Mummy, welcome,” we chorused, collecting her handbag.
“Ehen,” she replied. “How are you?”
“Fine, Mummy.”
“I can see you people have been playing.”
She looked at the small crowd.
“Where’s my baby?” she asked.
And just like that, I remembered.
My baby sister. Was still in the freezer. It’d been more than twenty minutes.
Jesus, God of my progenitors!
Have you ever had those moments in this life, when the bottom drops out of your world and the saliva dries up in your mouth?
Your heart stops beating, and your brain starts pounding, and you know that death is better than a thorough ass-whupping?
That was my moment.
“Eh, Koko, where is she?” my cousin queried. “I haven’t seen her since it was Esi’s turn.”
My people, I died there.
Because my sister was the smallest of us all. But her birth was a difficult one, and my mother never let us forget.
No, Mama never missed an opportunity to remind us just how precious her last child was to her.
So, I tell you, I died there.
As it happened whenever I was frightened out of my wits, a little urine soaked my panties.
“She….sh…she’s in….,” I stammered.
“She’s what?” Mama snapped, her eyes narrowing with suspicion.
As one who is headed for a firing squad, I couldn’t answer. I simply walked to the freezer, opened it, looked inside and and….
Baby Sis was huddled inside. Frozen, half-asleep and near dead from hypothermia.
Mama let loose a scream. She sprinted to the freezer and scooped up her baby. Still screaming, she ran to their room and dragged the big, yellow duvet off the bed.
She wrapped it around my sister, and yelled for the driver.
“Muh…mmmy…,” my sister stuttered through chattering teeth, her eyes half-closed. “They….they…did..n’t..fi…nd…me. I…I…won.”
I stood by the door, petrified. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks, unnoticed.
Mama picked up the swaddled bundle and ran out of the room. At the door, she stopped long enough to bestow a well-aimed, destiny-resetting slap across my face.
“Kokomma, ayem adiwod ayen ami? You want to kill my child, abi?” she asked, tears and anguish sweeping across her face.
I didn't even have the liver to rub my smarting cheek.
While she waited for the driver, who could somehow not be found, she vigorously rubbed down my sister.
“Get me Rubb!” I went.
“Bring the flask of hot water!” I did.
“Get me the towel!”
In no time, my sister was warmed up and back to her usual bubbly self. Tuckered out from all the activity, she soon nodded off in my mother’s arms.
For minutes, Mama just rocked her and cried. After a while, she took her to the room and laid her on her and Papa’s bed.
“Kokomma, di mi!”
From the living room, I heard that and knew that my time had come. Fresh tears streamed out of the corners of my eyes.
I bade my siblings and cousin goodbye and trudged into my parents’ bedroom.
“Come here and close that door behind you,” she said when I hesitated at the doorway.
Ah, so this is how I was to die—in private.
Shaking like a flag in the wind, I entered and shut the door behind me. Head down, step by very reluctant step, I made to my mother.
I flinched as her hands settled on my narrow shoulders.
I never expected it.
She pulled me to her bosom and wrapped her arms around me. Mama kissed my forehead.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry I hit you. I knew you were scared, but so was I. You need to be more careful with your sister, okay? She’s the only sister you’ve got. Okay?”
Silent tears gone. I was now bawling like a new-born lamb.
I nodded and hugged her tight, this mother, whom I loved above everything and everyone.
And that, my people, is how I’m still alive to tell this tale.
The End.
P/S:
My sister and I are best friends today. The memories of our childhood fights are now filtered through the lens of a fierce, undying love.
Does she still get on my nerves? It’s what baby sisters do. Still, I’d give my life for her.
The Real End.
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School of Health Technology, somewhere in Sokoto State.
The Lecturer 1 hands over a list to the new Lecturer 2 who will be teaching Global Health and Health Promotion to the school's 300 Level students. The list has the names the 409 students she'll be teaching.
She walks into the class, greets and introduces herself. Then she writes UNICEF and WHO on the board and asks for the meanings of these acronyms. Her question is met with blank stares and head shakes. She repeats the question. The reactions are the same as before. She's stunned.
One of the students raises his hand.
"Malama," he says, "I will interpret. They don't hear you. Ba turenci."
He become her de facto interpreter and course rep, translating her English to Hausa. But his English leaves much to be desired. There are many words he can't interpret.
People would be angry/bitter at uncles & aunties for not taking care of them but not with the parents who had them with no future plans. Your parents have 8 kids but your uncle with 4 kids is wicked because his children travel for summer when you haven't paid school fees. How???
"A friend's elder sister was married off at a young age so he could go to Uni. He's working now & is burdened with raising his sister's children & the other kids his parents kept having while he was at Uni (the youngest is barely 6).
It's a very long, lonely road ahead for him."
That said, Black Tax is EVIL!
It's not older/richer child responsibility. It's not love or duty. It's not parental enjoyment of the fruits of labour. It's EVIL.
This thing, where parents heap their heavy burden of other children on the first child or the child who earns more.
Single Man: "A woman whose bride price I paid can't control me."
Married Man: *reads post and shakes his head. He's running late but can't leave because Madam is wearing a new dress. He must zip it, patiently take 100 pictures of her from different angles and all must be fine*
Single Man: "My mother gave birth to nine of us. She didn't stress my dad. No pregnant wife can stress me."
Married Man: *goes out at 1:03am to buy party Jollof 'cos pregnant wife has been crying for it, while saying that he doesn't love her, their baby & she wants to die*
Single Man: "I'm self-sufficient and quite domestic. I don't need any woman's help."
Married Man:
"Honey, have you seen my brown socks?"
"Baby do you know where I kept my blue tie"
"Where are my car keys?"
"Sweetheart, when is the conference ending? I miss you so much 😭"
Uforo, Kagiso and Zawadi invade the UK from three different sides.
Zawadi, an accomplished General, arrives at London first. She sticks the Kenyan flag at the top of Buckingham Palace and claims it for Kenya.
On behalf of Nigeria and South Africa, Uforo and Kagiso claim Wales and Scotland respectively and share Northern Ireland.
English is declared too local a language; Ibibio, Xhosa and Swahili are now taught in schools. Pudding is abolished, replaced by Afang, nyama choma and phutu
African archeologists storm England on an expedition. They locate the tomb of Queen Elizabeth I at Westminster and hire white locals to raid it. They cart away her remains, back to Africa and stick them in a museum. British folk now travel to go see it.
This isn't his first time. He's not the first man to do this. Many women in Nigeria have terrible hotel stay experiences.
Male receptionists do proposition female guests and give out their room keys/numbers without permission to male guests who like them.
"So, there is this young man I buy materials from in the market. I met him after my last customer showed me shege (I bought materials in a particular colour. The client wanted another colour and he refused to change it, even though I was a loyal and regular client).
Anyway, this new customer is very honest and has no wahala. Even as prices of fabrics have gone up, he tells me which oned are his old stock at old prices and the new ones with new prices.
I was surprised to find that he's a Hausa boy in a predominantly Igbo business.
When I asked, he told me that he came to Wuse Market as an Almajiri years ago and was doing wheel barrow work. He often carried load for one Igbo man. The man started relying on him to run errands and then asked him to do Nwa Boy under him.