BREAKING NEWS!

Uforo, Kagiso and Zawadi invade the UK from three different sides.
Zawadi, an accomplished General, arrives at London first. She sticks the Kenyan flag at the top of Buckingham Palace and claims it for Kenya.
On behalf of Nigeria and South Africa, Uforo and Kagiso claim Wales and Scotland respectively and share Northern Ireland.

English is declared too local a language; Ibibio, Xhosa and Swahili are now taught in schools. Pudding is abolished, replaced by Afang, nyama choma and phutu
African archeologists storm England on an expedition. They locate the tomb of Queen Elizabeth I at Westminster and hire white locals to raid it. They cart away her remains, back to Africa and stick them in a museum. British folk now travel to go see it.
Next, they go to castles and private homes, forcefully retrieve the art and bring them back to African museums, where they'll be well taken care of.

If the British demand for it, we tell them the art wasn't stolen. They just have a complicated history of inheritance.
Anabohi Edewor, a seasoned seafarer from Delta, discovers the Thames!

Jaja, the great Amanyanabo of Opobo-ama is thrilled at the discovery. He commissions a fleet of ships to go and explore the new land and bring back whatever goods they have.

They return with muffins. And tea.
They leave behind Awa Itam, Erjo, Erhan, Amadioha and Ogun. The people of Brighton now speak fluent Urhobo. Many of them choose to journey to the motherland - Africa.

Emboldened by the success of their brothers, Zimbabwe, Congo and Sierra Leone claim Belgium, Germany and the US.
The inequality in terminologies:

White people sailing to Africa = Voyagers on a journey of discovery.

Africans sailing to Europe = Illegal immigrants.

Black people working in western countries = foreigners.

White people working in foreign countries = expatriates.

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More from @eketiette

27 Dec
This isn't his first time. He's not the first man to do this. Many women in Nigeria have terrible hotel stay experiences.
Male receptionists do proposition female guests and give out their room keys/numbers without permission to male guests who like them.

To protect yourself...
* Travel with a portable door jammer.

* Wedge the door handle with a chair.

* Check for Peeping Tom holes in the walls.

* Leave the key in the lock.

* Ask a male friend or colleague to act as your partner.

* Don't be amiable or hostile. Brusque is better.
* Sleep with your pepper spray or Swiss army knife.

* Lock the door when in the bathroom. Female guests have walked out of bathrooms to see men in their rooms.

*Report any unprofessionalism to management.

* Leave a detailed review online so other women can avoid such places.
Read 5 tweets
16 Nov
"Yesterday night at about 7pm, I was riding when I saw a dead body. Or so I thought.

The body was still, in the middle of a residential area in Garki, Abuja. That’s not a regular sight, so I stopped. There where people around the body.

“The man just slumped,” someone told me.
They didn’t know what to do; whether to touch him or leave him.

“There's a hospital on this street,” I volunteered.

“Let’s get a doctor,” said another person.

“Na BP,” someone whispered.

But nobody seemed ready to listen to me. Then something happened.
The dead man came back to life.
Just barely. His breathing was shallow, uneven, almost nonexistent.

"He’s alive!" we shouted.

Then confusion set in with different suggestions.

“Let’s take him to the hospital.”
“Let’s move him across the road.”
“Bring water, let’s pour on him.”
Read 12 tweets
13 Nov
On Project/Master's Thesis Defence in Nigerian Federal Universities - A thread:

"We had to pay hotel bills for the members of the panel. You could also offer sex, if your supervisor is the devil's apprentice. Transport money inclusive."
- Erdoo N.
"I decided I'd never have anything else to do with Nigerian universities, the day I saw people defending their masters dissertation presenting coolers of rice, garden eggs and crates of drinks to their supervisors. I legit thought someone was getting married."
- Bibian U.
"We we're told we'd pay 60k each, for both entertainment and logistics of external supervisor."
-Chiamaka O.

"We spent the night prior to my mother's defense at the University of Ilorin, cooking coolers of rice with assorted meat for the lecturers."
- Omekagu.
Read 15 tweets
12 Nov
"Eketi, this is in response to your post about the worst breakup.

We started dating in secondary school. Everyone in our families knew we were in a relationship. We both came from a poor background, so, going higher institution was impossible.
After WAEC, I decided to work as a security guard and sponsor her through school with my salary. The plan was after she finished, she would work while I went to school.
Before she finished, she got pregnant. Since everyone knew it was mine, our families decided we should wait until after she finishes, before we got married.

She gave birth to a boy.
Read 16 tweets
24 Sep
I am fourteen.

My sister has just returned from her afterschool lesson. Her face is stormy as she dashes to her room, unwilling to respond to our greetings and customary question, “how did your lesson go today?”

Mama asks me to go see to her, ask what is the matter.
I find her lying face down on her bed, head buried in the pillow, quiet sobs shaking her shoulders.

My sister is reserved. She doesn’t speak unless she wants to; she’s always had a mind of her own. So, I know that nothing I say will make her tell me what’s wrong.
We will have to wait until she’s good and ready. So, I put my hand on her shoulder and tell her everything will be fine.

I say, “You can always tell me what’s bothering you, you hear?"

I get up and head for the door. My hand is stayed when I hear her whisper something.
Read 20 tweets
13 Sep
Years ago, my father said something to me that was a teaching moment.

A former tenant had owed rent for almost three years. Then his light disconnected by NEPA. When they left, he began to tap light illegally. If NEPA came for an inspection, my father would have to pay the bill.
Knowing this, Dad did what was necessary; he called a professional to come and disconnect the light.

While he stood to the side and watched as the electrician did his job, one of the man’s children came outside. On seeing the two men, she lost it.

"You're very wicked!
Stupid man!” she railed. “You’re doing as if you’re God because you’re the landlord. You want us to live in darkness? Wicked man! Bet here, we’ll have our own house one day. If you like, cut the light.”

Fact to note: my father was older than that girl by at least thirty years.
Read 9 tweets

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