Thread by @tesseralis

Its staaaaaartiiiiiing

The music is very loud do any of the exhibiting companies have earplugs as swag

Also, epilepsy warning much?

Its cool you made the whole presentation entirely in a web page but cmon we got rid of <blink> for a reason

I didn’t go to css conf yesterday, but i figure i’ll get enough today. You could say I prefer my css in js conf

I’m not sure if I’m at a tech conference or a CHVRCHES concert

ITS SO LOUD

Pronouns on badges are nice but they’re so tiny its impossible to read them without squinting awkwardly

Oh hey it’s laurie, I wonder if he’s gonna fire someone during his talk

It’s been two minutes and he hasn’t said “fuck” yet this is atypical

HE SAID FUCK

This statement fills me with both joy and great sadness #ScalaForever

Everything in the registry grows except for leftpad

Yeeeeeeeeeeeehh

9% are writing React at this very moment instead of paying attention

New idea: otome game where you try to court different javascript web frameworks. React is the popular distinguished senpai. Vue is the up-and-comer freshman. Angular-kun keeps getting mistaken for their older sibling AngularJS-kun.

Laurie we don’t say the <?php> word

Wait the main web frameworks are next, nuxt, and nest???

Hey, 13% of those typescript devs just type everything as ‘any’

Heh, Flow isnt even in consideration

Omg he’s A/B testing the audience

Oh, i don’t write javascript because i like it, i write it bc i want the feeling of running my hands through expired spaghetti in a programming language

Laurie no don’t mention hooks you’ll suck everyone in more

Resistance is futile. All will be assimilated to the shadow DOM

Comics!!!!!

I’m calling it now, she’s going to say “infinite canvas”

What are the odds homestuck will be mentioned

Not pictured: dealing with a horde of harassers on twitter telling you you’re ruining comics with identity politics

“How do you read comics if youre visually impaired” ooh this is interesting

Yeaaah we’re hypercomics now

The irony is that my livetweets aren’t screenreader friendly cause the talk moves too fast for me to be able to add captions and twitter doesn’t let you add them later

<span class=“visually-hidden”>ゴゴゴゴゴ</span>

The curb cut effect: preserving zoom also helps readers who are fans of cross-hatching

The honor of “first pokemon reference in jsconf eu” has now been stripped away from me

“People who are prone to seizures are affected by these flashing lights” @jsconfeu organizers please take note

Mmmhmmmm

It’s interesting thinking about how general a11y advice applies to comics. The last time i tried doing webcomics, i wasnt clued into a11y stuff so it’s interesting to see what applies and what changes

Oh wow the riverside/pool area is literally between the two conference buildings, time for mu conf tradition of “ditching talks to lounge by the pool”

Is admission to the badeschiff included as part of my jsconf ticket

Next up is cartoons!

I hope this talk covers “how did that TikTok girl move like an anime character”

“Disney’s 12 principles of animation for the web” is an interesting talk but I already heard it in .@sarah_edo and .@vlh’s animation workshop so i don’t have much to say 🙃

Bathroom break! The restrooms are gender neutral but the toilets are german so everyone is equally miserable

Next: ES2019 features (please be pattern matching please be pattern matching please be pattern matching)

Imagine in a slightly alternate world this conference would be EcmaConf 2019

EcmaScript: if Squirrel Girl was a programming language

Confession time: sometimes when I’m sad I get drunk and read EcmaScript proposals

I don’t want more string methods, I want weird functional programming constructs that take me back to my Scala glory days

Bold of you to assume I wrap anything in a try clause

People who don’t want this are fans of Java checked exceptions

The Yoda school of error checking: do or do not, there is no try.

Array.flat() will also be aliased to Array.kansas()

Huh, it’s .flat and not .flatten bc of MooTools incompatability.

Friends don’t let friends override prototypes.

Yes please!!!

New ES features: typing foo.doThing() instead of _.doThing(foo)

Next up: nail conf!

“Elder, why is it flat instead of flatten?” the student asked, “should the method not be in the form of an action, as spoken in the Old Tongue?”
The Elder sighed deeply and spoke: “Young One, that is a dark tale. First you must understand the history of the Tools of Moo...”

“Long ago, the sorcerers of J’Son followed no rule of law. Chaos reigned and wars fought over the true nature of the Script. Many prideful sorcerers fell, not anticipating the strange laws of Nature of other lands.

...but that changed with the Knights of Ecma.

“The knights knew the bloodshed had to stop, and so erected the Standard, an aegis so that all may practice the Code in safety.

“The Knights opened the doors to their citadels to the common Folk, so they all may add tribute to the Source.

“One fateful day, a tribute was made: a spell to flatten a list, to collapse layers and layers of nesting into one. It was a good thing, and the People rejoiced...

Except for the Tools of Moo.

The Tools of Moo were dark sorcerors, subverting and perverting the core Prototypes of the universe for their own gain and selling them to the unwitting. They balked and screamed at the very idea.

For the Tools of Moo had a flatten of their very own

The Knights knew not what to do. Abandon the flatten, and leave their charges in despair? Or risk angering the followers of Moo?

And then, the Jester spoke.

“This is ridiculous!” he said, “To wage war over what is merely a name! Is this not what we fought so hard against in the Age of Chaos? Why, if we need a new name, why not name it after the sound my buttocks make when I squeeze them together! Let the spell be smoosh!”

The Knights roared in laughter! So enamored were they by the Jester’s smoosh that they decided to share the joke with the common folk. And so, the next day, a Proposal for Smoosh was erected in the Hub of Git.

But the people were not so taken.

“Are you Knights or Clowns?” “I would rather practice the arts of coffee than write the blasted word in my spellbooks”

Days and weeks they protested, splattering the Yellow Thumb of Disapproval on the Proposal.

It was then that the Knights knew: the Sorcerors of Moo had won.

“And so, flat it became, and flat it shall remain for so long as we practice the Script.” The elder slumped over.

“Thank you elder” said the child. “I think I’m gojng to learn Rust instead.”

“That is probably for the best.”

This twitter fic is brought to you by me waiting in line to get my nails painted. Now back to our regularly scheduled JS conf livetweets

Next is Sher Min with retro art! (And then it’s my turn!)

Someone make this a screensaver

Ahaha what omg this is so cool

Is this Dwarf Fortress

Aditya’s up next!

Ooh I didn’t know there’s versions of COBOL in languages other than english!

The imperative style was chosen because Grace Hopper thought it was one of the most "universal" grammar construct

Translating keywords is cool, but how do you translate variable/function names?

Thankfully, programming vocabulary is often standardized and even translating parts of the names like write/read is a boon

"if you say something can't be done in javascript, within an hour of your talk there will be three npm packages that do it."

brb, going to reserve the koroscript package on npm

Translating (cryptic) error messages is an interesting case... for React, we went with keeping the error messages in English so that it would be easy to search for it in the documentation. But of course, it would be better if the error is clear enough to understand in the code.

Javascript is a viable candidate for a universal standard for programming languages because, like English, it is confusing and inconsistent and no one knows why we went with it in the first place.