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In Ye Olde Pointlesse, a luxury gastro pub in Mayfair, Campbell, Mandelson and Blair meet up once a month for a chat. As Blair mulches his Quail Gizzard à la sacré bleu, Mandy points out that Corbyn hasn't resigned yet. 'DONT' F*****G REMIND ME, SLIMEBALL!!!' Campbell yells.
"Well, you Scots c**t,' said Mandy as he gulped his oyster parfait, 'if you hadn't cooked up the 45 minute f*****g fandango, our Tony would still be in and us with him.' Tony sighed. 'Boys, boys. We've got a job to do. We said we'd finish off Saddam and we did. Now, it's Corbyn.'
Mandy sipped his 1886 Chateau Sinistre. 'O let's hear how Ali's wonder-w**k plans are going? Corbyn the feeble geography teacher - f****d! Corbyn the Cenotaph Tramp - f****d! Corbyn the Czech spy - f****d! Corbyn the sex-maniac - f••••d!' 'But who found Hodge?' Ali pleaded.
'Ah, La Santa Margareta,' Tony winked, 'no one does the pained damsel more convincingly or with less justification. But y'know, I'm not sure the Wailing Wall line is working. I mean, y'know, in Northampton, in Basildon, in Chester, does anyone really care about the y'know...?'
Ali ordered his eighth pint of Newcastle Brown. 'Well, they didn't give a tuppenny f**k's a***ole, when I did that brillo campaign ad with f*****g Howard and Letwin looking like two rabbis in a pig farm.' Mandy winced and took another sip of his 1886 Chateau Sinistre.
'We shouldn't congratulate ourselves on our past failures,' Tony smiled in his winning way. 'We need to find another tune. Think Springsteen. Think Sir Tom. People never forget their first affections.' Tony caught sight of himself in the gilt-edged mirror. He winked at the sight.
Ali's head hit the table.Mandy turned away in disgust. He always detested Campbell's vulgarity even if he admired his ability to bite what others preferred to throw in the bin. 'Tony, just because two old hacks in Current Affairs keep asking you back, forget it. People hate you.'
Tony didn't waste a second. He loaded his right fist and it shot towards Mandy's nose at just below the speed of sound. Mandy took the blow and stared back into Tony's face. 'Without me, you're like cack in the wind. See you in a month's time, Mr Blair,' and he swept out.
