Thread by @thinkingautism

[CN: murder of an autistic child, parent-victim fallacy]

Yet another autistic child has been murdered by a parent, who claims the child is in “a better place.” F*** that. I’m not going to link, bc all the expletives, and mourning a bright life lost. Here’s a thread instead. 1/

There is a horrifyingly typical coupling of devotion with murder, whenever disabled people are the victims. Both the reporting and the judge on such cases tend to portray murdering parents as loving, but "driven to kill.”

I'm here to say: Fuck that.

2/

I need you -- and judges and reporters everywhere -- to understand that, however difficult it may be for families to support their disabled loved ones, murder is never excusable. There are always other options. *Always*. 3/

Disability-related filicides are more common than the occasional high-profile story might have one suppose—according to Julia Bascom @JustStimming of @autselfadvocacy, the average rate for these murders is One. Each. Week:

https://twitter.com/TheTaskForce/status/837071686671294465

4/

These killings always knock me off my feet: reporters' descriptions of victims are so similar to how my own son gets perceived by journalists & even acquaintances. B/c my son needs (& deserves) full-time support, my spouse & I are automatically considered good selfless people. 5/

This is what keeps me up at night: Would people really sympathize with me if I hurt my son? Could they really justify the loss our wonderful son because he was born autistic and with a communication disability? Would they write off his murder as a "burden being lifted”? 6/

I blame the tendency of such twisted dismissals of the value of autistic lives like my son's on the constant negative media barrage about autism, especially the recurring theme of how awful it is to be an parent of an autistic kid like my son. (cough, cough, @npratc.) 7/

When stories about "loving parents" violate the most private moments of the autistic children in question, listeners are further conditioned to see parents as victims, and their kids as unreachable and inhuman. 8/

It's just that ... parents rarely write mainstream accounts of autism any other way than centering the parent experience and othering their own kids. Autistic people who don't tell their own stories are rarely portrayed as fully human. 9/

I'm not saying parents like me can't write about parenting, or can't be honest about how we feel. But we have to always weigh what we say publicly against the potential long-term harm to both our kids & disabled people like them, & be vigilant in monitoring those boundaries. 10/

And yes, I’ve been criticized about my "lack of understanding" for the mental states of parents who murder their autistic children, and I have been told, "This was not just a mother not willing to be as strong as you.”

But the thing is, I'm not strong. I'm *lucky*. 11/

I have a great husband, great family, my son has great supports, & I belong to tight communities both offline and on. People have been are generous in sharing their experiences & helping me learn to be a better parent to my son. My family/community are strong. *I* am not. 12/

I'm actually prone to depression, & have been in a serious funk for a long time (medication helps, pandemic chaos & uncertainty does not).

Thing is—and I want to be clear on this—my depression has very little to do with being a parent of a high-support autistic teenager. 13/

Some of my depression has to do with parenting in general being an overwhelming job, especially for someone with my compromised executive functioning skills and introvert traits; most has to do with not being able to fix broken matters over which I have no control. 14/

Not being able to fix things fucks me up—there's no non-NSFW take. That is why, when my son was first diagnosed with autism in 2003, & media portrayals of autism were all horror shows and head-banging and soulless eyes and doom, I went into the deepest depression of my life. 15/

I was depressed because I thought my son was broken, and I didn't know how to fix him.

And it took years, but I eventually realized that parenting is not about fixing. It's about supporting, accepting, finding best practices, and fighting for your kids' rights. 16/

Parenting is about unconditional love. It's about putting your kids first. About making other people see your kids—and kids like them —the way you do, the way every kid deserves. About accepting the changes kids bring to your life, even if they weren't what you expected. 17/

I don't want any parent to go through that autism diagnosis depression grind; that's part of why I co-created TPGA. But even a fabulous autism resource can't magically fix everything for parents, not as long as society continues to portray autism as The Worst Possible Thing. 18/

I do realize that for many parents whose kids are diagnosed as autistic, there’s still the initial shock to get over. But then, hopefully, the epiphany that autism is not The Worst Possible Thing, after all. That you're all going to be OK, and that you're not alone. 19/

But even parents who ramp up quickly to accepting their child as autistic still need time to adjust. Anyone does, when they go through a significant reality rearrangement. Depression & anxiety are understandable during that transition. & anyone who is depressed deserves help. 20/

The need to get help is all the more critical when the depressed person is a parent or caregiver.

The tragedy sets in when parents like me—through isolation, lack of support or communities that reinforce negativity—continue to believe autism is The Worst Possible Thing Ever. 21/

Parents need to learn how to support autistic kids through crises & with communication aids, to witness & appreciate their autistic kids for their own selves, & to appreciate the many amazing autistic adults whose stories and very existence defy mainstream autism stereotypes. 22/

I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be if my son and I didn't both have supports and understanding and community. And I worry, a lot, about the children and families who don't have what we have. That is why I do the work I do. 23/

It's been more than a decade since my son's autism diagnosis. I no longer worry over autism as a nasty boogeyman that I can't fix, or could fix if I tried hard enough (a quixotic and demeaning approach at best). 24/

I do worry about my beautiful son, who is autistic. I worry about what he needs from me, and whether I'm a good enough parent, a strong enough person to provide it. Mostly I just do my best to support him. 25/

It's not always easy. Sometimes it sucks, like when my kids brawl. My pain comes from the helplessness of not being able to instantly make everything better for these three people who were ripped from my soul & whose unhappiness has the power to destroy that soul entirely. 26/

When my kids aren't trying to kill each other, they are my joy & solace, as is my husband.

I'm not strong. But I'll get by. Sometimes, that's all any parent can do; & finding the right tools & resources to get by—that can make all the difference:

thinkingautismguide.com/2017/03/untwis… 27/27