Thread by @DRedmosquito

I decided to join Tinder a few days ago. I know, I know what my mind and ego would say, big boy like me no suppose dey join Tinder. No matter as jungle hard reach, Lion no suppose dey chop grass. I should always always aspire to pespire, aspire to never retire .
A thread

Ogbeni, if Jungle choke, even Lion dey chop grass oo. Don't tell me nonsense.
Don't get me wrong, I personally have no qualms with Tinder you know, I've joined it once or twice back in Nigeria, but I never liked the idea of people judging you by your pics,
#Philly #COVID19 #Lagos

always felt objectifying, yknow, like people were being placed on a slave auction table, all your qualities are reduced to a few pics, all your intelligence and quirks don't matter, it feeds off the halo effect (Google it), I dunno, maybe it's just me and my sentiments.

perhaps it's because I was always unlucky. Anyways, I've never lasted more than a few days on the app before deleting it.

I was supposed to be here for 3 weeks, Covid happened and now this is my fourth month.

The last time these lips have kissed the lips of another, was four months ago, before I got on a plane. If the body is truly the temple of God, then this my temple has grown cobwebs left right and centre. This bobo don starve. Conditions are hard, and the cold weather

in the past few months, made it even harder. Chai! Body go just dey freeze, nobody to cuddle, nobody to kiss my neck, to hug my chest. My nipple just dey hard like unripe agbalumo, Chai! E don ossify like igneous rock.

These are the conditions your boy has been living in oo. Me that back in Lagos, I was living like a king, I go don drive go pool or just drive around town and interact with my Naija people, for Lagos I was thriving oo, I had access to two cars. My table no dey ever empty.

for here I come be like leper, I just dey trek up and down like Alabaru, I no get driver's license. I'm staying with my Uncle, I sometimes hang out with my cousin too, both very lovely people.

Dark days, I tell you. These are dark days. Now I'm understanding when they say Nigerians alone abroad fit get depression, this thing is real oo. Even the neighbours for here no fit come follow you do aproko or gist. All man just dey strong face. One time I heard my neighbors

, I went to knock on their door, they looked at me like I was mad. They dinnor even say, "Bros, enter and chop meat pie!"

So yh, I decided to join Tinder, at least, as a pauper, I no get choice now. Hunger don turn carnivore to herbivore.

I get on the app, upload a few pics to show my market, swipe a few women that look attractive to me and go to bed. Wake up the following morning with three messages.

I'm thinking to myself, "Oh! This thing fit pure oo!"

One of the women, Lillian, suddenly begins to chat me up as soon as I reply, she seems nice and lovely.

"What would you like to have from me?", she asks.

I know Tinder is sometimes full of sex-starved people. I agree I'm sex-starved too, of course, but that doesn't mean

I'm starved enough to rush into sex-talks with strangers. I still get tablemanners.

So I'm like "Oh! I'm just here to make friends oo, you cool with that?!"

Next thing I know, Aunty Lillian

spins the whole thing into some funny sexual exchange, "Oh, I really want someone to just cuddle with me! I'm staying with my grandma till weekend, I want to cuddle with you tonight"

My brain first shock. Na so e dey easy reach ni. My picture on Tinder is fine, of course,

but it's not that fine na. I've heard American babes are more open and relaxed , but this of course, is way too open and relaxed.

She's like "I blocked my profile as soon as I clicked with you, so I'm only chatting with you. I'm just two hours away!"

"Ha!!", my spider senses began to tingle, this thing be like danger. But my body also dey tingle, my nipple sef don dey vibrate, this thing might also not be danger oo. My brain just dey warn me, "Ogbeni, you came for medical conference oo! You're a doctor oo. If dem murder you

for cheap motel room, your uncle no go find you oo! Nobody go fit protest for you for here oo! All your people dey house for Naija , nobody get visa to come protest for you oo. Las las, na Zoom protest boys go organize for you"😭😭😭

Chai!!This thing was turning my head. But as a sharp Lagos boy na, I decide to play along. At least see where it will lead to. My brain don dey calculate am like chess, my nipple sef dey talk him own, every body part sha dey put mouth. The thing be like Board of Directors meeting

Nipple go talk, preeq go nod head, Brain sef go drop counter.

We're chatting along sha. Aunty Lillian is getting very freaky-freaky, I'm trying to maintaining decorum. A gentleman is a patient man. You don't just lose home training because of small horniness. No no!

Suddenly she goes, "I'd like to see you tonight, is that cool with you?!"

My uncle works night shifts, so when he leaves for work, I can go out to see what she has to offer. I'm praying she's not a prostitute. I respect them, but I don't flow that way. Even if she is,

we can just hang out and chill. I can enjoy her company without the sex. I don't discriminate.

So I reply, "Yeah, that's cool."

Then she says, "Before we meet though, go to this site and verify yourself so I'll be sure you're not a weirdo."

She sends a Tinder Verify link. In my mind, I'm like "yh, this makes sense", I understand how dangerous the world is for a woman so it makes sense for her to verify some guy she met on the internet before hanging out with him. Even Almighty America isn't a totally safe place

as I've come to realize. So I go on the website and I'm filling all my details, cos it actually looks like a legit Tinder link, it brought up my picture and all.

Suddenly I get to a part where it asks for my credit card number. Ahan! Credit card number to verify me?!

When did that one start?! Gbogbo eleyi ko necestree na! Ko necestree!! Ahan! My nipple is arguing with me, saying, "Guy, you have credit cards that are empty, like that stupid Firstbank card that you've abandoned. Use it".

But my brain is cool, "Guy, be careful oo! Its not just

the credit card. Think! Why will a site need a credit card to verify your identity? It doesn't add up, if this site is fraudulent then this entire encounter is based on fraudulence." I skip the credit card section and scroll down and I suddenly see like a dozen nudes

of Aunty Lillian and I'm seeing things like" Interested in anal Sex and doggy ". Mo daran! I'm like "wtf is going on here!"

I message Lillian like "Yo, what's that site all about, why are they asking for my credit card details?", she's getting desperate.

I can sense it, "Baby boy, what's the matter? It's just to verify you aren't a wierdo. Just put it. And send me the code? I promise you a good time when we see tonight, I'll leave you empty!"

Haa! Even if this is legit, this thing is already sounding like a

one way ticket to Staphylococcus and Gonorrhea. Contrary to popular belief, there are some things even the condom cannot save you from oo, omo iya mi.

I quickly google up" Tinder Verify! "

Ase Scam site ni Oloshi. Lillian is a bloody 419. The verify site is a scammer bot that

collects your credit card details and begins to debit your account heavy sums monthly. Mo ni Haaa!! And I told this scammer I'm a Nigerian and the bloody fool still wants to scam me. Emi!! Wow!! Me that I'm from the tribe of Hushpuppy, the great Invictus is my fellow country-man.

Is it not my people that pulled off the greatest heist in modern history? The sale of an International Airport for $300 million by the mighty Nwude.

Haa!! I shock. Me that they never scammed me in Ikeja, they dinnor scam me in Computer Village, they dinnor scam me in Mushin

Ojuelegba, Yaba or Idi-Araba. They will now scam me inside Philadelphia. Haa! Eleda mi! Ontop small sex. Oyinbo wan scam a whole me. My ancestors will never forgive me if such should happen. The thing just dey pepper me.

A whole me, they will now hear that they gbe mi ni handicap inside Philadelphia. Haa! I vex no be small. I para for Lillian. But I'm a gentle man, so even my vex was a mere one sentence long statement. I just sent her something like "Ogbeni, I don catch you. You dey craze!"

Because las las, Scamming is like catcher. You go just gaz sharp make them no chow you.

This is like day 5 now, I'm still on the bloody app, las las, by weekend I go delete am. Unproductive much

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