Thread by @markiliffe

#MentalHealthMatters, especially in the time of Covid-19. While we're working from home, many are apart from their colleagues, loved ones and family. For some, including myself, it's been incredibly hard to remain 'functioning' and admit to yourself that things are not ok 1/?

In late March, I fell in a period of massive depression; couldn't focus, everything I did seemed rubbish. As the days progressed, things got progressively worse and I just became more and more negative about myself, my work, and started to shut myself off to the world 2/?

I kept posing questions to myself: "Why cannot I not get 'good' work out; why am I being rubbish..." I kept pushing and searching *why*. The concept that I was severely depressed was still too hard to swallow. Like anyone, I have my ups and downs, but nothing like this 3/?

Sleep fell off a cliff, things started getting worse, deadlines slipped by, work piled up. Feelings of negativity just increased, more and more. But, I couldn't be that bad, right? 4/?

Ended up speaking to a psychiatrist. Got the diagnosis that was clear to anyone that spoke to me, except myself. Clinical Depression; their message, we'll work with you to get better. It's going to be a long road, but you'll get there. 5/?

Then the shame kicked in. Getting a diagnosis was one thing, but then articulating that to others just brought so much shame. To admit that I had 'fallen' so hard, to a point I 'needed' help. Outwardly, after the drugs and therapy kicked in, started to feel a bit better 6/?

I felt I couldn't talk to my close (and male) friends about it, it was easier with my female friends. In retrospect, the fragility of my masculinity is astonishing. The perception of how I saw myself with a mental illness ended up contributing to it gnawing at my soul. 7/?

I was still frozen in my work, I was beginning to feel a bit better, but still had so much shame and became a vicious circle that I couldn't get away from. Everything that I'd done that week seemed so insignificant... then completely froze in a team meeting. 8/?

I couldn't hide my shame anymore. Ended up reaching out to my bosses. Went into the conversation thinking that I didn't deserve to sit at the same table. We spoke about things. I was completely astounded by their responses. 9/?

They were completely understanding. Gave me full support. Where I was ashamed I needed help, I was given it in spades. Even in this time of awareness, even in this time of org/law mandates, I didn't want to admit to myself that I needed to reach out and talk about it. 10/?

Little by little my confidence was restored. I started to look back at what I'd done in the interim with fresh eyes. Some of it was bad, but some of it was good work. Work I'd just beaten myself up with at the time. Was able to speak to friends about why I'd gone silent 11/?

This morning, I facetimed my parents. They're in Leicester, now under a renewed lockdown. As pretty much the only family I have, they feel so far away from me, more so since #Covid19. I told them I had been diagnosed with depression. I had tried to hide it from them before. 12/?

The love I received back was truly heartwarming. My father was worried, but told me he understood and gave his own experiences, some I knew, some I didn't. My mother told me that she was proud of me (I'm still unsure she has any idea on what I do, but that's another story!). 13/?

Now, sitting here in reflection, something has changed. Like everyone else, I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I'm positive about it. I don't feel shame about having a mental illness and for the first time, I feel positive about speaking about it. 14/?

So, with that rather long preamble...
here is what I've learnt:

1. Look after yourself - you are way better and doing better than you think you are;

2. Be kind to others, you never know what they're going through;

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3. There is no shame in this. If you're not honest with yourself and you don't take steps to deal with it, it's going to fester.

4. The people around you are there for you. In good times or bad. Believe in people.

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5. Talking is good for you. It helps you see your perspective in a different light. People will be receptive and often have their own experiences that you are not aware of. Our #MentalHealth is more important now, more than ever, being there for others is so important.

and... 6. It doesn't matter who you are. Bar a tenuous relationship with my waistline that strongly correlates a love of stout, I think I'm within the ideal of what a privileged man is. I'm 6'6", muscular, fluent in a few languages, relatively tanned, educated, good job etc 18/?

Mental health doesn't care about your social standing, education, how much you earn, or where you're from. If it's going to hit you, it's going to hit you. But, you can chose to talk about it. I felt so much shame... 19/?

It was that shame that made me start to think I wasn't worthy, that it would be better that I wasn't here. Talking about it with my friends and colleagues helped me get on the path to recovery.... and by just about any measure, I'm in the privileged 1% globally. 20/?

So, to the twitterverse, reach out to those you've not spoken to in a while, check-in. Be kind to each other. At times, I feel so alone and disconnected with the world, then a little of light breaks through. 21/?

You never know how people are dealing with this and whether they know how they're doing themselves. With all of this, I'm going with "if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone". With #Covid19, we need to be kind to each other. 22/?

#Covid19 is the biggest challenge of our generation, so far. Some have referred to this as a war; the changing nature of our environment, lockdowns, etc are constantly changing. Uncertainty is seemingly the only constant. 23/?

But this isn't a war, it's an opportunity to show our humanity. We may be further away from each other, we can still overcome our fears, shame and stigma around #MentalHealth. 24/?

Now my questions resolve around: How can we reach those furthest behind? I was so fortunate to have good friends, bosses who understand and family to support. How can we support all? Those that are least fortunate. I guess, I'll be looking to push this on little bit 25/?

Looking forward to that conversation with the Twitterverse. Looking for input, comment, good or bad. I guess, with all of this, I'm happy to be wrong. I'm happy to not be ashamed anymore, even if I'm wrong! Stay well all :-) 26/26