Shared with permission.
The year: 2011. A young #Pharmacist, career-focussed, is part of a thriving business. She stands on her own two feet.
The encouragement & support from her parents is all she needs. They've always supported her. Nothing can shake her resolve. Can it?
1/
The year: 2011. A young #Pharmacist, career-focussed, is part of a thriving business. She stands on her own two feet.
The encouragement & support from her parents is all she needs. They've always supported her. Nothing can shake her resolve. Can it?
1/
One Saturday morning she rushes down the stairs to get ready for work.
The sound hits her first.
It’s guttural. Choking. Someone can’t breathe.
She’s bleary-eyed from the long workdays, 6 days a week.
She’s not complaining. It’s necessary
2/
The sound hits her first.
It’s guttural. Choking. Someone can’t breathe.
She’s bleary-eyed from the long workdays, 6 days a week.
She’s not complaining. It’s necessary
2/
She steps into the bathroom & that’s where her brain tries to correlate the image with sounds.
‘Is she gargling? Is she choking?
What is her mum drinking out of a 2-litre bottle at 5am?
Why is the mouth frothy?
No answers avail themselves.
3/
‘Is she gargling? Is she choking?
What is her mum drinking out of a 2-litre bottle at 5am?
Why is the mouth frothy?
No answers avail themselves.
3/
She rubs her eyes to refocus.
Her mum collapses onto the floor.
Minor fits, spasms. That sound again. Choking but this time she’s trying to speak but can’t.
The smell hits her first.
Like burning flesh.
Like when you singe your eyebrows or arm hair.
Nothing computes. 4/
Her mum collapses onto the floor.
Minor fits, spasms. That sound again. Choking but this time she’s trying to speak but can’t.
The smell hits her first.
Like burning flesh.
Like when you singe your eyebrows or arm hair.
Nothing computes. 4/
She grabs her blackberry trying to dial 999 but in error has already long pressed the call button. It autodials the last no.
It’s to a friend who doesn’t answer & goes to v/mail.
In a frenzied moment, not realising she needs to hang-up, is still trying to dial 999 & fails.
5/
It’s to a friend who doesn’t answer & goes to v/mail.
In a frenzied moment, not realising she needs to hang-up, is still trying to dial 999 & fails.
5/
The v/mail records everything.
It records her mother struggling for air, the gurgling sound.
It records the beeps to dial 999 shouting at the phone “come on!”. It records..
“Tell me what to do Mum!
I need you!
I don’t understand!”
6/
It records her mother struggling for air, the gurgling sound.
It records the beeps to dial 999 shouting at the phone “come on!”. It records..
“Tell me what to do Mum!
I need you!
I don’t understand!”
6/
It records sobbing, anxiety & pain.
It records her trying to calm herself.
Trying to appease,
“Everything will be ok Mum, you’re going to be ok!”
It records her blood-curdling scream calling her Dad,
who is stunned & shakes.
He dials 999.
The recording stops.
7/
It records her trying to calm herself.
Trying to appease,
“Everything will be ok Mum, you’re going to be ok!”
It records her blood-curdling scream calling her Dad,
who is stunned & shakes.
He dials 999.
The recording stops.
7/
One full minute elapses. It must have felt like a lifetime.
In fact, it did.
The pharmacist… is me.
My Mum attempted her 1st self-harm. She ingested a mixture of two corrosive substances.
The smell, the froth, blood specks mixed in- it’s her mouth & oesophagus burning.
8/
In fact, it did.
The pharmacist… is me.
My Mum attempted her 1st self-harm. She ingested a mixture of two corrosive substances.
The smell, the froth, blood specks mixed in- it’s her mouth & oesophagus burning.
8/
The next moments are blank for me.
I’ve blocked them out.
But this isn’t about me.
This is about the true face of a Mental Health crisis.
It can kill. Its effects are far-reaching.
The next time I see my Mum, she’s out of theatre & in a comatose sleep.
9/
I’ve blocked them out.
But this isn’t about me.
This is about the true face of a Mental Health crisis.
It can kill. Its effects are far-reaching.
The next time I see my Mum, she’s out of theatre & in a comatose sleep.
9/
Nothing could shake me, right?
I’m broken.
My mum’s voice is always in my head.
She encourages me, pushes me to do better
…She can’t leave me!
The mental health nurse is holding me up as she takes me in to see her.
10/
I’m broken.
My mum’s voice is always in my head.
She encourages me, pushes me to do better
…She can’t leave me!
The mental health nurse is holding me up as she takes me in to see her.
10/
The surgeon speaks.
Explains there are burns to her oesophagus, top of the stomach & only time will tell.
The scar tissue could be a problem….
I have so many questions, the answers are all clear as mud.
The mental health nurse is kind. Her words will never leave me.
11/
Explains there are burns to her oesophagus, top of the stomach & only time will tell.
The scar tissue could be a problem….
I have so many questions, the answers are all clear as mud.
The mental health nurse is kind. Her words will never leave me.
11/
“This illness has many hidden faces.
It doesn’t discriminate.
No one is immune. It's silent.
It’s not your fault.
We will all work together, to bring her back.”
Bring her back. I nod.
….. but when did she leave?
12/
It doesn’t discriminate.
No one is immune. It's silent.
It’s not your fault.
We will all work together, to bring her back.”
Bring her back. I nod.
….. but when did she leave?
12/
After hospital recovery, Mum is sectioned, admitted to a mental health ward.
The first night was the hardest.
I cried a lot.
Despite being vacant, shutdown, deep down I know Mum is scared.
“The 1st night is the hardest” confirms the lead nurse.
13/
The first night was the hardest.
I cried a lot.
Despite being vacant, shutdown, deep down I know Mum is scared.
“The 1st night is the hardest” confirms the lead nurse.
13/
Mum recovers through intensive MH interventions.
It is evidence-based, shared care, holistic & humanity focused. They go above & beyond.
It’s a true collaboration of skilled HCP’s in MH. Everyone is so kind.
It melts me. Nothing but tears of gratitude & praise for all.
14/
It is evidence-based, shared care, holistic & humanity focused. They go above & beyond.
It’s a true collaboration of skilled HCP’s in MH. Everyone is so kind.
It melts me. Nothing but tears of gratitude & praise for all.
14/
Fast forward: 2015. I’m 6 months pregnant.
Mum relapses. She’s under section again.
I visit her daily. Sit in silence, exchanging few words.
“Time to bathe you”
“I’ll feed you”
The hospital staff & residents are growing fond of my bump. I’m a consistency.
I carry hope?
15/
Mum relapses. She’s under section again.
I visit her daily. Sit in silence, exchanging few words.
“Time to bathe you”
“I’ll feed you”
The hospital staff & residents are growing fond of my bump. I’m a consistency.
I carry hope?
15/
The ward nurse adores embracing my bump.
I let her as well as some residents who seem to react well.
“You’re having a boy!” they predict.
“Yes.”
“He will do for you, what you do for your mum.” Says 1 resident.
I see her briefly, before her darkness returns.
16/
I let her as well as some residents who seem to react well.
“You’re having a boy!” they predict.
“Yes.”
“He will do for you, what you do for your mum.” Says 1 resident.
I see her briefly, before her darkness returns.
16/
When #COVID lockdown was enforced. My insides were nervous. I rang Mum daily.
“Are you ok?”
“Tell me if you think about self-harming ok?
Talk to me about your darkness, I will listen.
I won’t judge, you’re in a safe space.
I won’t share anything you don’t want me to.”
17
“Are you ok?”
“Tell me if you think about self-harming ok?
Talk to me about your darkness, I will listen.
I won’t judge, you’re in a safe space.
I won’t share anything you don’t want me to.”
17
Her triggers have evolved, just like a virus.
Within weeks of lockdown, she’s admitted under section 3.
As a family we’re familiar, we accept it.
It’s the level of care she needs.
It still hurts.
The important lesson is, never stop asking for help.
18/
Within weeks of lockdown, she’s admitted under section 3.
As a family we’re familiar, we accept it.
It’s the level of care she needs.
It still hurts.
The important lesson is, never stop asking for help.
18/
Mum was discharged last week.
She’s recovered quicker, we’re grateful.
The home support restarts soon.
She’s engaging again.
I ask her if I can write her story. No reply.
“Actually Mum, I don’t think I can, it’s difficult.
I’m not strong enough.”
19/
She’s recovered quicker, we’re grateful.
The home support restarts soon.
She’s engaging again.
I ask her if I can write her story. No reply.
“Actually Mum, I don’t think I can, it’s difficult.
I’m not strong enough.”
19/
I imminently feel selfish, too raw for her.
I backtrack.
She replies “Whatever strength I have, its ten-fold in you.
You get me through every time.
Write it.”
She fights on.
She remains in me, the single voice in my head.
Pushing me to do better.
20/
I backtrack.
She replies “Whatever strength I have, its ten-fold in you.
You get me through every time.
Write it.”
She fights on.
She remains in me, the single voice in my head.
Pushing me to do better.
20/
COVID has affected so many disciplines.
It induces a large levy on MH services.
Another alternative cost to this pandemic.
While this is a personal thread, I want to highlight, commend and thank the tireless heroes everywhere who provided MH support to so many during COVID.
21
It induces a large levy on MH services.
Another alternative cost to this pandemic.
While this is a personal thread, I want to highlight, commend and thank the tireless heroes everywhere who provided MH support to so many during COVID.
21
Through my experience & role. I’m more aware, empathetic but still learning as a #pharmacist.
I encourage everyone to learn how to support someone with #mentalhealth.
It is an etiquette, a language, a level of humanity that will change you.
You will never look back.
22/
I encourage everyone to learn how to support someone with #mentalhealth.
It is an etiquette, a language, a level of humanity that will change you.
You will never look back.
22/
Thank you to all Mental health care staff across all sectors, organisations, charities, researchers.
I am indebted to you all! 🙏♥️
@Samaritans
@MindCharity
@NHS
@PharmaSupport
@mhresearchleeds
#MentalHealthMatters
#nurses #pharmacists
@cppeengland cppe.ac.uk/programmes/l/m…
I am indebted to you all! 🙏♥️
@Samaritans
@MindCharity
@NHS
@PharmaSupport
@mhresearchleeds
#MentalHealthMatters
#nurses #pharmacists
@cppeengland cppe.ac.uk/programmes/l/m…
