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Joke Thread:

I can't for the life of me work out why it's safe to reopen gyms, but live comedy is still considered dangerous?!?

So here are some jokes about gyms & exercise I wish I was allowed to tell in a live comedy club!

#SaveLiveComedy
On my first day at the gym I was given a gun and sent to shoot Nazis in the woods. Not how I'd imagined Resistance Training.
My personal trainer always gives me a Boost! Or a Twix. Whatever he’s got going spare really!
Never exercise straight after eating. I did, but was asked to leave the gym for doing too many burpies.
My personal trainer said he wanted me to feel the burn. The doctor said I should have made him wear a condom!
My gym is a mix of serious exercisers and bored gossipers. You look around the room and it’s like, “run…rabbit….run…rabbit…run run run”
I fired my personal trainer for saying I could lose weight just by standing still. I told him it wasn’t working out.
So, just a few jokes for you there.

Maybe it's the right decision. Maybe the science supports #GymsOpening over #ComedyClubs. But one thing we know is that in the next year 80% of comedy clubs will close if we don't support them.

Please, let's cub together and #SaveLiveComedy!
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More from @PhilipsComedy see all

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Philip Simon 🎭 #SaveTheArts
@PhilipsComedy
I miss everything about being a #comedian, both on and off stage.

I’ll list some below but as we ask @OliverDowden to #SaveLiveComedy, as a comic or a punter, what do you miss about #LiveComedy?
I miss not knowing how a gig will go beforehands and then standing on stage telling jokes to a room that will judge a punchline in the moment & not based on any knowledge of how it’s been received before. I miss reading the room and editing as I go to get the best of a set.
I miss the awkward conversations with audience at gigs. The praise when things go well and avoidance of eye contact when you’ve died. I even miss hearing their jokes and being told “here, you can have that one for your skit!”
Read 12 tweets
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Philip Simon 🎭 #SaveTheArts
@PhilipsComedy
Ah, the life of a #Freelancer ... a thread:

A lot has happened since lockdown, so perhaps you'd be so generous as to let me spill the beans on everything I've been up to over a coffee:

ko-fi.com/philipscomedy
I've been slowly updating and adding new content to my YouTube comedy channel. It would be great to get a few more subscribers on there to help unlock some of the features only available to the super popular.

bit.ly/P_S_YouTube
I created children's YouTube show School's Out Comedy Club - bit.ly/SchoolsOutCome…

Through this I've hosted a few local & international live streams for various children's groups - Cubs, Brownies, Guides, Scouts, Schools, etc...

Get in touch if you'd like to book one.
Read 8 tweets
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Philip Simon 🇬🇧🇪🇺 #StayHomeSaveLives
@PhilipsComedy
Before I started comedy I taught #SexEducation, going into schools teaching about relationships, boundaries, puberty, that kind of thing.

When I say "going into schools", I was invited. I didn't just stand in the playground with a banana & a condom talking to kids about sex!
Hearing this, someone recently asked, "if you catch #CoronaVirus from a lover does that make it an STI?"

I said "no". Banging your head during sex wouldn’t mean a headache was an STI...actually in some relationships a headache could really be considered a form of contraception!
Thinking about this encounter, I was reminded of stuff the kids would ask.

In the spirit of “there’s no such things as a stupid question” we'd encourage them to ask anything, and to keep it anonymous they'd write it on a scrap of paper so no-one knew who asked the question.
Read 25 tweets

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