Thread by @societyforepi

let's talk about boundaries! (saying no)

@Doc_Courtney asked this great question to @ProfMattFox and me after this week's @ShinyEpiPeople episode on kindness.

to me, questions about balancing kindness and your own work are about setting boundaries. 1/

https://twitter.com/Doc_Courtney/status/1308060596949020672

Anne Katherine has a couple of great books on setting boundaries. the quotes here are from her book Where to Draw the Line:
'A boundary is a limit. By the limits you set, you protect the integrity of your day, your energy and spirit, the health of your relationships,...' cont. 2/

'...Each day is shaped by your choices. When you violate your own boundaries or let another violate them, stuffing spills out of your life.'
(ok and who wants to lose their stuffing and become one of those stuffed animals with the droopy head b/c you have no neck stuffing??) 3/

at work, we often struggle with taking authority over our own time.
'We hurt ourselves when we give our time, the minutes of our life span, to pursuits that don't match our own values...' continued. 4/
#BodnarTwitterTakeover #epitwitter

'...We each need to assess our own truths around the use of time, be clear about our own feelings and values, and protect our own time needs.

'Your time is your life. You are absolutely the final authority on how you will use it.'

so this is our job. wait, there's more. 5/

'Ultimately, it is your life that will be used up by your decisions. No one is as accountable for the use of your time as you, & no one will pay the consequences for those decisions as much as you will.'
easier to blame others (amirite??), but setting the boundary is our job. 6/

'Healthy time boundaries are somewhat flexible, allowing for the insertion of a new decision based on your priorities and your true obligations to others. They are also somewhat firm, protecting your schedule from interruptions that don't truly require your attention.' cont. 7/

Remember this:
'Your greatest obligation in your use of time is to yourself, so that you are filling the days of your life with the pursuits and activities that reflect your deepest values...' cont 8/
#bodnartwittertakeover

'Time boundaries protect these pursuits, creating limits that allow you to interact most fully with what matters to you.'

ah, Anne Katherine, good stuff!!
9/

'When we clutter our lives with imagined obligations, unnecessary activities, & distractions, we dilute the power of our lives. At the end of your life, none of the excuses or defenses matter. What will matter is that you spent ur time on experiences you wished to have.'
BOOM 10/

ok, but can we set boundaries with kindness? absolutely!

boundaries communicate your needs and expectations. you have to communicate them with the person who wants some of your time or else how will they know? we can't read minds (though it's easier to assume we can!). 11/

it's sometimes hard to set boundaries (bc we have to identify our priorities). once you decide on the boundary, setting it often doesn't come easily to us. why? often we fear disappointing others, being seen as mean/selfish, or ruining relationships. i have all these fears! 12/

setting boundaries is an act of kindness to others AND to ourselves!
wouldn't you rather know what your chair or your partner (boundary setter) expects of you than guessing (reading minds)? yes, we want to know the boundary. that act is treating us with kindness and respect. 13/

boundary setting is kind to ourselves because we recognize our own priorities, we remember that we matter, our happiness matters. we can be a better mentor/partner/etc when we are operating on clear terms. otherwise we can become resentful/angry, which isn't kind to ourselves 14/

how can we set a boundary with kindness? great article! blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2019…
a few ways:
-keep the focus on your own feelings & needs.
-be direct (being wishy-washy isn't kind).
-be clear & specific (specificity allows people to understand what you mean (no mind reading!)15/

-use a neutral tone of voice (super important and a hard one for me!). otherwise, this person can shutdown or become defensive.
-choose the right time. right after they screw up probably isn't a good time.
-consider the other person's needs (but don't concede all yours) 16/

something i really struggle with when it comes to boundaries is this: i can set the boundary, but oh boy, i have a hard time HOLDING it! but we can hold a boundary w kindness to others. holding it is kind to ourselves. we have to have empathy for ourselves to hold a boundary 17/

and yes, yes, yes, it is possible that we set and hold our boundary and people do think we are mean/selfish. but (my therapist reminds me of this constantly!): we cannot control how others respond to our boundary. we can only control how we set it and how we maintain it 18/

and if a person thinks your boundary is mean or you are being selfish by having a boundary, than dudes, that person isn't worth having in your life.

and one more thing... 19/

people will inevitably be disappointed in us for having a boundary. you know what? that is ok. disappointing people isn't the end of the world. your happiness is worth it. you'll feel freedom! you'll feel love & empathy for yourself! it's hard at first but it feels great /20

this rambling about boundaries is just what i think (and let's be honest, what my therapist thinks!). many people are MUCH smarter than i am about this. please weigh in. but before you do, please send me a check for your copay. #BodnarTwitterTakeover.