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Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

10 Oct, 11 tweets, 3 min read

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Doug Ford inadvertently reveals his top-secret Pandemic Command Table is made up of his wife.
2. Doug says he was so busy campaigning across Ontario this summer he didn't realize Ontarians were behaving irresponsibly during a pandemic.

3. Jason Kenney says Alberta will move ahead creating its own police force, saying 35% of the 10 UCP party supporters he asked say it might be a good idea.
4. Brett Wilson starts moving his money out of Alberta and burying it in Scott Moe's backyard garden.

5. Kenney says UCP is creating new jobs in Alberta and hiring Stephen Harper's son in just the beginning of that growth.
6. Doug Ford announces he's overcome his fear of electric cars.
7. Jason Kenney scratches Doug Ford off his Christmas card list. Waves fist at unicorn farts.

8. NDP support motion to stop CPC's WE crusade. Poilievre outraged. Says he needed prior notice of the motion so he'd have time to get his spy drone fleet back up over Trudeau's house.
9. Trudeau government moves to ban single-use plastics. O'Toole says he'll stand up for sporks.

10. Green party elects new leader. That is all.
11. With Ontario reaching record case numbers this week Doug says he doesn't regret opening casinos for two weeks because the revenue generated will be used to create community programs that will be shut down due to the pandemic.

12. O'Toole and CPC outraged. Then realize Trudeau said single-use plastics, not single-use memes.
13. After co-opting the RCAF's logo and motto O'Toole appears in Parliament dressed as hotel-dot-com's Captain Obvious.
14. Andrew Scheer writes a letter on behalf of Andrew Scheer.

15. Tory says decision to shut down Toronto business is a provincial decision. Doug says decision to shut down Toronto business is a Dr. Williams decision. Dr Williams says he has to defer to the data. Doug calls his wife Karla to ask what province should do. Karla makes gravy.

16. Elliott says record numbers of Covid cases and increasing number of hospitalizations the result of Ontarians being reckless and doing all the stuff permitted by the Ontario government.
17. Millions across Ontario cancel family Thanksgiving dinners. And the big turkeys danced.

18. Asked what he will do if Trump refuses to hand over the WH peacefully, Mike Pence says his housefly lawyer counsels him not to answer the question.
19. Trump says he feels better now than he did before the Covid. Goes on to roid rage at a Christmas tree.
20. Melania who?

21. Finance committee Chair, Wayne Easter, shuts down committee by holding thumb and index finger up to webcam and saying to Poilievre, "I am squishing your head! I am squishing your head!"
22. Doug blames delays in test results on California wildfires.
23. Doug's heart. Broken.

24. I picked up the guitar as a kid thanks to Eddie Van Halen. Paying him a huge debt of gratitude.
25. 2020's not been great. But it's Thanksgiving. So grab your longboard and cranberry juice. Go for a ride. Chillax. Breathe. Take it all in. Be well.

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More from @mynamesnotgordy

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

11 Oct

Saw the blue sky this morning and thought it looks like a rockstar day. Stepped outside and the chilly temps broke my heart. Saw all the leaves on the ground and I hit the roof. Put all my sweaters on the table. Spared no expense on coffee. Then I got laser focused on some bacon.

Saw the neighbours passing doobies. I yelled "What're ya doin, ya Yahoos?!" I was shocked the leaves were falling in autumn. Made raking the leaves my number 1 priority. Created a robust and massive plan to make a pile of leaves. Kids belong in leaf piles, I thought to myself.

Decided to create the leaf pile one leaf at a time, because kids wouldn't understand the leaf pile if I built it all at once. I saw the kids were jumping into the four or five leaves and hurting themselves, so I made jumping in the leaf pile by appointment only.

Read 5 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

3 Oct

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Ford government moves Ontario back into lockdown Stage 12.B Plaid. Strippers are no longer allowed to visit family for Thanksgiving weekend unless the dinner is held at a casino.
2. Trump says there's a slight chance COVID isn't a hoax.

3. After writing Nat Post piece saying socialist coup is likely in Canada, Leslyn Lewis warns old stock Canadians to be on the lookout for telltale signs like universal healthcare, more VW camper vans and fewer O&G bailouts.
4. O'Toole announces new CPC slogan: "Slogans're bad!"

5. UCP Issue Managers say lower corporate taxes means corporations pay more taxes. That's it.
6. UCP MLA says people collecting federal pandemic support spend their days eating Cheezies and watching cartoons. W. Brett Wilson outraged; says he also spends part of his day tweeting.

Read 11 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

26 Sep

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Liberal Throne Speech addresses four foundations: fighting the pandemic, supporting people and business, building Canada back better, and standing up for Canadian values. Kenney outraged there's no specific mention of W. Brett Wilson.

2. At least 15 people contract COVID as a result of O'Toole's campaign visit to Montreal. O'Toole changes party slogan to "I'm taking back COVID. Are you with me?"
3. Ford "junior staffer" tests positive. Doug says staffer grounded for a week and lost their Tweeter privileges.

4. In cheeky video, O'Toole says only thing harder than being in the military is being on Twitter. Proof positive he's never watched a teleprompter speech by Doug Ford.
5. In effort to slow second COVID surge, Ford and Elliott release Fall Pandemic Plan on 27 cocktail napkins.

Read 12 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

19 Sep

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. O'Toole says Ontario's Health Minister Trudeau isn't doing his job.
2. CPC outraged about federal spending. Provincial Conservatives demand more federal money. Hospitals report spike in ER visits for incidents of Conservative Whiplash.

3. Ontario's COVID cases match June's highs. Ford and Elliott encourage people to get out and buy Smile cookies at Timmy's.
4. Doug says house parties and weddings are the cause of COVID spike. Says, now that Mother's Day and Stan Cho's wedding are done, it's time to buckle down.

5. Kenney applies to Fed gov't for a CHIP Reverse Equalization Mortgage. Says his mom's retirement home needs a new hot tub.
6. Schweitzer says "Alberta is the new player in Canadian tech innovation!" Releases statement via his MySpace page.
7. Wexit changes name. No one notices.

Read 11 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

12 Sep

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. O'Toole appoints the Average White Band to all fill 127 CPC shadow cabinet positions.
2. Pierre Poilievre retains role as Finance critic after misunderstanding what a wealth gap and poverty levels are. That's it. That's the funny part.

3. Doug says COVID levels are really only a problem in places where people live.
4. Lecce inspects 27 school parking lots and confirms there's no sign of COVID in any of them.
5. Ford indicates he's considering appealing court's decision to quash pretty much all his policies.

6. Kenney government plans to cut support for those with disabilities and instead spend $112M a year on Alberta police. Says homelessness will increase, so there must be police at the ready.
7. Adriana LaGrange enters the Witness Protection Program after school starts in Alberta.

Read 14 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

5 Sep

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Superior Court hits the roof, ruling Doug's gas pump carbon tax stickers unconstitutional. States "We are absolutely heart broken to learn Ford ignored the people's rights."
2. Doug reveals plan to save CNE by opening cheesecake kiosk.

3. Friday before school starts Doug announces amendment to his back-to-school plan. Ford says "it's imperative for the safety of the childrens that they refrain from sharing their doobies."
4. Meanwhile, Lecce tours 407 construction site on Friday to ensure classrooms are safe.

5. With Alberta schools now opening Kenney focuses all his energy on saving and protecting inanimate objects. I mean statues. Not Issue Managers.
6. Alberta provides Fed relief funds to private schools. LaGrange says wealthy children's butlers should feel safe at school too.

Read 10 tweets

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