Thread by @NevilleSouthall

So... briefly our stories......

@Nat_itsme_uk
I never wanted to be trans, it took me until 44 to accept who i am, overcome my fears & guilt (my own transphobia)
Spent my life trying to repress, ignore and overcome these feelings – I could no longer do that, being me was one of the hardest things I ever did /1

struggled with being told was a boy all my life, earliest memories of this struggle are from around age of 6, being told i was a boy i could no longer dance the girls part in ballet with the girls. never danced again.. Always crossed dressed, always wanted to be a princess! /2

puberty was tough… hated my body, used to steal my sisters clothes sleep in them at night praying my body would correct itself and i would wake up as a girl in the morning… used to get caught, ridiculed & punished for that .. but now my body and mind align - for me amazing /3

For most ppl your body (how you identify with it), your sense of who you are matches the sex you have on your birth certificate, (called Cis- Cis is short for ‘cisgender’) meaning somebody whose gender identity matches the sex they were given at birth. Basically, ‘not trans’. /4

I had battled severe depression and anxiety for decades, nothing I tried seemed to help this inner turmoil I felt … transitioning has been the most liberating thing I have done, finally I feel free and able to live who I am, its not easy at times but that darkness has lifted /5

first experimented with my identity (without realising it) in my 20’s at uni, used to go out in drag, imagining i was how i felt inside… been pansexual as long as recall, a time of experimentation… one night had date with a guy, later woke up spiked drink and had been raped /6

that put me into the closet for decades… shortly afterwards got married, didn’t last long, 14 months later divorced …. work career was taking off, wasn’t part of the normal groups .. ppl started questioning so felt to succeed needed to conform to expectations.. married again /7

September 2015, had buried myself in work travelling to a meeting in London, was a mess, missed my tube stop. Found myself on an empty platform waiting for the right tube – this overwhelming feeling of just escaping by jumping in front of a train overcame me … /8

…the platform was empty, before I knew it I was walking towards the platform edge… I never saw this person but from nowhere an arm touched mine and the words ‘are you ok?’ suddenly came into my consciousness… I wasn’t, I broke down, fell to my knees and cried… /9

…on the journey home what the hell is wrong with me kept going around my head, wasn’t the first time had been in complete state of despair and wanting to end it all… sad fact 41% of trans ppl have at some point attempted suicide…some succeeding… still hadn’t accepted me.. /10

nowadays i understand this more, diagnosed with C-PTSD, this was a time of overwhelming life pressure and something had to give..I'm not sure what the trigger actually was now nth but all that stuff that had been buried for so so long ... suddenly came back with vengeance /11

didn’t sleep that night, spent it online trying to understand what was going on in my head…saw GP next day prescribed antidepressants sadly they didn’t help
Nothing read about depression or suicidal thoughts seemed to fit how I felt. Then at some point came across a blog../12

reading blog was like someone had written about my life, childhood, puberty & young adulthood…at the end it was written they were transgender…WTF ?? had no idea what that meant, surely I can’t be trans, …the start of a rollercoaster of emotions & events, changed my life /13

fear & denial were overriding, all could focus on was rejection by loved ones, all seemed to read about was ppl suffering abuse in public, losing jobs, losing partners, being rejected by family & friends … family is the most important thing to me. I didn’t want to be alone…/14

next 6 months spent every week seeing a counsellor, my GP & talking to my then wife about how I felt … became more withdrawn, wasn’t sleeping at all & ended up with another attempt to end it all… it was all too much for me to deal with overwhelmed, frightened and numb…./15

April 2016 therapist simply said in one session ‘why can you not just accept who you are? Why are you destroying yourself trying to understand this and looking for reasons to deny you?’ just be you..... /16

Got the courage to see my GP (she was amazing but sadly few are) she referred me to a Gender Identity Clinic, but the waiting list to be seen was over 14 months then (nearer 3-5 yrs now, can you imagine waiting that long for anything else ?) I needed help now… /17

had good job & money so went private (not all have this privilege) spent the next month having blood tests, talking to psychologists. Now I knew that ether I accept & live who I am or I won’t be here. didn’t feel like a choice it was about surviving . May 26th 2016 HRT../18

2018... GRS Surgery .. for me important, this is a very personal thing & doesn't make someone more or less trans than anyone else, many sadly can’t have it for various reasons, some don't desire it.. its none of anyone else's business tbh and really isnt frankly important.. /19

(GRS) was a bridge too far for my ex-wife, she saw me as a woman now not as the person she married, she isn’t same sex attracted and filed for divorce - after a bitter battle have rebuilt, my relationships with my children and family and live with a gorgeous girl in London /20

during journey stopped working lost almost everything, came within a whisker of filing for bankruptcy. lived out of my car for weeks on end before meeting someone who changed my life - have to go back to work soon sadly still lots of discrimination against hiring trans ppl.../end

@StubbornDogs I’m 54, a counsellor & educator in private practice, single, a bit of a science geek, love creative stuff, footie & wild things

I’m a non-binary trans man. Was put in female box at birth but always felt male. Lived most my adult life as lesbian until active transition at 42. Now bisexual/queer & don’t see sex/gender as binary (only M/F)

@StubbornDogs always knew was different & didn’t feel like the ‘girl’ was told I was. As a kid I was just one of the local lads - had short hair, an Action Man, played footie, war & fought with boys. I was labelled a ‘tomboy’ but secretly hoped that one day my willy would grow /1

It wasn’t so distressing for me as a young kid because I could mostly express my maleness without getting shamed for it. When I was 10 we had a Victorian dressing up day at school & I went as a street urchin lad. No one batted eyelid at me & it felt great! /2

But body changes approaching puberty made it different. Remember at 11 my mum shouting at me on beach to put a top on & feeling real shame. By 13 I already had depression without the words for it. I wrote in school work about ‘when I am a man’ but no one spoke to me about it /3

Vulnerability made me target for bullying & skipped lot of school. Later tried to talk to couple of mates but none of us had the words & was a disaster so kept it quiet. Complicated by being raped at 15 & 17. Felt confused about gender & sexuality. /4

Was all very mixed up with no info & no role models except Boy George!

finally found some language for feelings at college at 21. Was time Section 28 was coming in (1988) & lesbian felt ‘best fit’ as well as channeling my growing anger about male violence against women. /5

Had a very (wrong) idealised view of women versus men which made me feel much shame about own maleness /6

After several breakdowns & one very dysfunctional/abusive long-term relationship ended up in new relationship with a woman who wanted a child with me. Found a sperm donor & began trying. In 2004 we watched ‘Make Me A Man’ on C4 - a doc about 4 trans men. /7

I said to girlfriend ‘if I was younger I’d do that’. She said she’d leave me if I did so buried it again & went into another deep depression. It would take me another 5 years before realising I wasn’t dead yet & could transition as adult. /8

Later had another crisis triggered by working with a teen who mirrored my own experience.

in 2005 my girlfriend conceived. I’d already started my training to be a counsellor by then & was noticing my own reactions more /9

Despite having no issues with lesbian mums what struck me massively was how I felt like I was going to be a dad. With that, and after we lost the pregnancy early on, & I still had to deal with the rapes from my teenage years, I went into long term therapy. /10

After that relationship broke down & couple of short term flings that went badly inc with one quite butch lesbian - which felt strangely ‘gay’ to me & she tried to feminise me, I then met my last girlfriend /11

By this time I was describing myself as ‘gender ambivalent’ - this was before non-binary identities was talked about. /12

But still my underlying maleness was there. I’d dealt with the rape issues by historically reporting so I wasn’t carrying the shame of that any more to confuse me.

But in autumn 2009 I had another severe breakdown ... /13

This culminated in a suicidal crisis after had researched trans info online (actually discovering that many Native American tribes had more than two genders) & named that in myself. /14

@Nat_itsme_uk & @StubbornDogs taking over Neville’s twitter from 7-9pm for #TransAwarenessWeek

At that point I was desperate to avoid putting girlfriend & family through process & was looking up lethal doses of meds when my manager called …
I’d been signed off with depression at that point & boss called for welfare check at that exact moment I needed support. /15

She was wonderful & was the first person I told. She was so supportive & affirming of me that it gave me courage to tell girlfriend & then family. They were also brilliant & everything clicked into place for them. I was very lucky! /16

But my first try at talking to GP was awful & had it not been that I took the NHS protocols to her I wouldn’t have been referred to local adult mental health team for initial psychiatrist diagnosis (this was under old protocols now changed) & a referral to the GIC specialists /17

Moved GP to wonderful accepting practice who agreed to shared care with private consultant so could start testosterone (T) sooner than the long NHS waiting time would allow me - in May 2010. Had to get MP’s help for funding. Eventually via GIC referral had chest surgery 2012 /18

But I have had a very long wait for further surgery since - only in 2016 did I finally get hysterectomy & first stage of surgery on my bits. That’s 3 years after recommended time for health reasons when you’re on Testosterone

/end

@Nat_itsme_uk & @StubbornDogs taking over Neville’s twitter from 7-9pm for #TransAwarenessWeek

well that was actually emotional for us both to relive - hope it gives you all some context xx

Terminology...
Gender Dysphoria (incongruence) - in simplistic terms a sense of unease that a person may have because of a ‘mismatch’ between their ‘biological sex’ and their ‘gender identity’.
Not all trans people suffer from it and those that do, do so to varying degrees

@Nat_itsme_uk
I used to have huge distress caused by the fact my body and face do not match how I feel inside. For me was massive, took me ages to be able to go out in public from anxiety, these day I’m so much more at ease mostly gone, still bites very occasionally though.

i’m also very privileged as a trans woman to have a feminine figure despite height, HRT has been kind and facially sometimes i see me…ppl are all shapes and sizes thou not just stereotypes, surgery (GRS) surprisingly helped me a lot, facial surgery still a dream atm due to cost

I never realised how expensive transitioning would be, clothes …. Facial hair removal … changing documentation …. Even simple things like haircuts which all cost more as a woman….

For work I needed an appropriate wardrobe far more outfits than I ever needed as a male…facial hair removal I started 4 years ago and is still ongoing spent over £9K so far for many that is just not possible…

Facial hair is for me one of the things I hated most. For 4 years had electrolysis Its painful and expensive, can take 1 to 4 years depending upon person.

So far I have spent £9K on this to date - with more to go, many just cannot afford this & this year been almost impossible to get regular treatment due to lockdown .. for many this just massively increases dysphoria (me included) x

@StubbornDogs
My own dysphoria was mostly around my former breasts & body fat distribution (female shape) as well as voice & lack of facial hair. This got progressively worse as I got older & breasts got bigger. I developed sores & had to double bind them for two years

With T & chest surgery most of my dysphoria disappeared. My body shape changed & voice deepened quickly for me after T & have a full beard now - admired by cis men I know! Did still have some dysphoria around womb/ovaries & changing genitals as result of T but later for that ...

For me the cost of the initial private consultation needed prescription T just about manageable on average public sector wages at the time I started (about £200). But cost of travel to appointments, loss of wages after I had to take extended time out of work I was doing at time

where I was working with high risk/highly vulnerable young offenders - challenging without going through your own second puberty! Took 10 months to get another job