Riotsheds: a tragicomedy
Friends, Portlanders, Suburbanites, Lend me your ears: We come to bury the bourgeoisie (in a metal box that costs as much as a year of college), not to praise them.
Friends, Portlanders, Suburbanites, Lend me your ears: We come to bury the bourgeoisie (in a metal box that costs as much as a year of college), not to praise them.
These fliers are apparently being handed out in the Laurelhurst neighborhood. The website is real, and kind of awe inspiring. First: if your disaster plan involves locking yourself in a metal box with one door and no windows, our condolences: you have made a bad disaster plan.
In this thread, we hope to illustrate the ways in which Riot Sheds are not, in fact, An Realistic.
Second: if your high security shed costs 16k, and doesn’t even stop pistol calibers, then your high security shed is every bit as much of a emergency safe room as this corrugated steel shack. But the riot shed is much smaller.
On the bright side, your $16k, non-bullet-resistant safe room with the hinges on the outside of its only door, also has things like “insulation” and “siding that will break blades”. So like, siding, i guess.
The website provides this helpful illustration of how, when you hold a circular saw against metal siding, it makes sparks. Protip for the marauding antifa hordes: don’t use a circular saw when trying to cut metal. Angle grinders or nothing. Also, don’t hold your saw like this.
Not only does the shed come with only one door, which opens outward and has exposed hinges, but for 205 bucks you can have a bench!
45th Absurdist Antifa Mob Solutions is pleased to present the following limited time offer: for the low price of $15k, we will build you that $700 metal shed, and line the inside with sandbags. For only 161 bucks, we’ll even mount the hinges for the door on the inside!
And for an additional payment of $1000, we’ll equip your shed with a trap door to a dark hole that you can cower in until antifa finds you and makes your kids gay!
Gayness at no extra charge.
Gayness at no extra charge.
Antifa Sheds are also guaranteed to withstand incongruous clouds drifting harmlessly nearby.
Alternately, the elite package is $29k, for which price we’ll build you a cinder block wall filled with sand in your basement, and then hold your hand while you distribute $28,000 in cash to your houseless neighbors, thereby ensuring near-immunity for the hordes of poors.
Or you can do whatever this is. Just an plain garden shed. To hide from the looting zombies.
Just thinking about how if 2 different people scared of antifa decided to instead spend $50k buying antifa’s goodwill on venmo, then the kids could upgrade their tank.
We have not yet reached riotsheds.com for comment. If you work with this fine and innovative company, cornering the tiny-house demographic of the Nuclear Bunker market, get in touch!
The thread was broken. Much like the dreams of a yuppie watching an antifa mob topple a $40,000 bullet-resistant human-cabinet, using only enthusiasm and truck chains.
https://twitter.com/45thabsurdist/status/1330719164709781505
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