Telling a sick or disabled person "oh but you don't look sick" is actually really crappy and hurtful, even if you mean it as a compliment.
Let's talk about the reasons why.
1/
Let's talk about the reasons why.
1/
First of all, some background. Not every illness or disability is visible.
Some flare intermittently, some are never visible. Sometimes people are in incredible pain but don't show it because they're used to it, or just don't want to talk about it with you.
Lots of options.
2/
Some flare intermittently, some are never visible. Sometimes people are in incredible pain but don't show it because they're used to it, or just don't want to talk about it with you.
Lots of options.
2/
Autoimmune disorders, autonomic nerve disorders, digestive disorders... tons of conditions are only visible on the inside. And not everyone's going to show you the proof, because more often than not it's none of your business.
3/
3/
So with that in mind, suppose someone has an invisible disability/illness/chronic condition. (I do! ME/CFS is invisible.)
Why is it so crappy to tell them that they don't LOOK sick?
4/
Why is it so crappy to tell them that they don't LOOK sick?
4/
1) It's invalidating
Not looking sick doesn't = not being sick. People already get grief from folks who think they're faking, think they don't need the accommodations they request, etc etc. Even docs sometimes don't believe patients w invisible illnesses, which is traumatic.
5/
Not looking sick doesn't = not being sick. People already get grief from folks who think they're faking, think they don't need the accommodations they request, etc etc. Even docs sometimes don't believe patients w invisible illnesses, which is traumatic.
5/
2) It's arguing something you have no basis to argue
You don't know a person's health better than they do. You're not their caregiver, and you're not their doctor. You don't see their worst days. So why would you make them justify their own pain and suffering to you?
6/
You don't know a person's health better than they do. You're not their caregiver, and you're not their doctor. You don't see their worst days. So why would you make them justify their own pain and suffering to you?
6/
3) It's rude
Is it really on you to comment on someone's appearance, unasked? "You don't look sick" can be unpacked as "you don't look like the withered invalid stereotype I have in my head", which is a backhanded compliment AT BEST.
7/
Is it really on you to comment on someone's appearance, unasked? "You don't look sick" can be unpacked as "you don't look like the withered invalid stereotype I have in my head", which is a backhanded compliment AT BEST.
7/
4) It makes their coping skill (masking) a problem
Folks mask pain for many reasons. They can want privacy, or to focus on enjoying their current activity, or just not to hear "wow you look terrible". They shouldn't have to change/explain how they get thru the day for you.
8/
Folks mask pain for many reasons. They can want privacy, or to focus on enjoying their current activity, or just not to hear "wow you look terrible". They shouldn't have to change/explain how they get thru the day for you.
8/
So for these reasons & more, if you find out someone has an illness/disability & they don't look it, don't say "but you don't look sick". It's hurtful for reasons you probably hadn't considered, & you not meaning harm by it doesn't mean no harm happened.
Tell your friends!
9/9
Tell your friends!
9/9
#Spoonies #chronicpain #MECFS
☝️🏻☝️🏻☝️🏻a thread about why "you don't look sick" sucks to hear, in case anyone wants something to forward around.
☝️🏻☝️🏻☝️🏻a thread about why "you don't look sick" sucks to hear, in case anyone wants something to forward around.
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
