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The Mossad: Zionists and Loving It

2 Dec, 9 tweets, 5 min read

ANNOUNCEMENT
I'm throwing in my hat for Knesset.

I'll be running an extremist campaign filled with factual errors and lofty unachievable promises. We will have diplomatic relations with Antarctica and we will put a man on Io.

#IsraElex4
#Mossad4PM 🇮🇱

@khamenei_ir

Spoiler about Io: it'll be @khamenei_ir and he won't be coming back.

All Jewish, Christian and Muslim holidays will become statutory holidays with pay. The work week will be Monday to Thursday. Free health care but only for gun owners. Free guns but only to health workers and every household gets their own Iron Dome.

#IsraElex4
#Mossad4PM 🇮🇱

The lady who sells bread at Shuk Hacarmel (those who know know) will bestowed the honour of lighting a torch on Yom Haatzmaut.

#IsraElex4
#Mossad4PM 🇮🇱

We will support the 2 state solution. For France.
We will introduce UN resolutions condemning France for no reason. We will demand reparations from France for all tourists who were disappointed that Paris wasn't as romantic as they thought it would be.

#IsraElex4
#Mossad4PM 🇮🇱

We will annex Sharm el Sheik and rename it Sharkey Shark.

#IsraElex4
#Mossad4PM 🇮🇱

We will rename the city of Kiryat Ono, Kiryat Oh Yeah.

#IsraElex4
#Mossad4PM 🇮🇱

We will change the flag of Israel to a full length unfurled Torah scroll.

#IsraElex4
#Mossad4PM 🇮🇱

Dessert hummus will be punishable by death.

#IsraElex4
#Mossad4PM 🇮🇱

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More from @TheMossadIL

The Mossad: Zionists and Loving It

@TheMossadIL

18 Oct

Welcome to the club, French police. Welcome to the club.

Poor knife man. nytimes.com/video/multimed…

nytimes.com/2016/01/26/wor…

Read 6 tweets

The Mossad: Zionists and Loving It

@TheMossadIL

13 Sep

Anyone who is familiar with Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People can go down the list of all 7 to see how the Palestinian Authority failed at each one and explain how it's their own damn fault.
jpost.com/middle-east/pa…

1. Be proactive.
Take the initiative to respond to your experiences positively and improve the situation within your circle of influence.

PA Grade: F
Only reacts. And always negatively.

2. Begin with the end in mind
Act based on principles and constantly review your mission statements against the goals you set.

PA Grade: F
Policies of rewarding terrorism, and international bullying don't help achieve goals.

Read 9 tweets

The Mossad: Zionists and Loving It

@TheMossadIL

26 Jul

Antisemitism: A Brief History

100 - 1100
Q: What is the worst possible thing you can be accused of?
A: Deicide

Conclusion: The Jews killed Jesus Christ

1100 - 1500
Q: What is the worst possible thing you can be accused of?
A: Ritual murder of children

Conclusion: The Jews disembowel children for their pastries.

1348 - 1351
Q: What is the worst possible thing you can be accused of?
A: Causing the Black Death

Conclusion: The Jews caused the Black Death because they were seduced by the devil.

Read 13 tweets

The Mossad: Zionists and Loving It

@TheMossadIL

13 Jul

Farrakhan's followers are saying that the Jewish people aren't the original Jews and not actual Semites.

Boy will there be egg on Tomás de Torquemada's face when he realizes he inquisited the wrong people.

Farrakhan's followers are saying that the Jewish people aren't the original Jews and not actual Semites.

Boy will there be egg on Adolf Hitler's face when he realizes he genocided the wrong people.

Farrakhan's followers are saying that the Jewish people aren't the original Jews and not actual Semites.

Boy will there be egg on Emperor Claudius's face when he realizes he expelled the wrong people.

Read 5 tweets

The Mossad: Zionists and Loving It

@TheMossadIL

13 Jul

Look at this woman enjoying her #JewishPrivilege.

Jews in Baghdad sure enjoyed their #JewishPrivilege in 1941.

These Jews in Hebron enjoying #JewishPrivilege in 1929.

Read 8 tweets

The Mossad: Zionists and Loving It

@TheMossadIL

5 Jul

We are dealing with the following types of antisemites:

1) We acknowledge your existence, but we don't acknowledge your right to govern yourselves free of persecution.
2) We acknowledge your existence, but we also think you are the cause of all the world's problems.

3) We acknowledge your existence, but we have to kill you.
4) We acknowledge your existence, but we only like you if you fit the narrow definition of a stereotypical neurotic Jew.
5) We don't acknowledge your existence and the people who call themselves Jews are from Russia.

6) We only acknowledge the existence of European Jews so that they fit the profile of the privileged white European despite the genocide that happened.
7) The people who call themselves Jews today have no connection to the Jews of the past, therefore Jews don't exist.

Read 20 tweets

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