One time I was at a con where David Hasselhoff was a guest, also. We crossed paths several times and he was very friendly, seemed like a perfectly decent dude. He was very fit and handsome, just seemed like a very nice guy for a celebrity. BUT...
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...the con hotel, which was very nice, was a bit remote from anything so we all ended up staying around the hotel when the con was done. The celebrities and comics people mixed a little bit, but mostly kept to themselves.
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The thing is, this lovely hotel had a glass elevator that game a very nice view, but was very very slow. I don't know why, but it took FOREVER to get to the upper floors. So, one night, after an exhausting con day, @RocketSpouse and I got in the elevator. And...
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...someone asked us to hold the door.
It was the Hoff.
And I panicked a little.
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It was the Hoff.
And I panicked a little.
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Not because I was starstruck. More on that in a second.
My husband is always a gentleman, he held the door immediately, and we're in the glass elevator, the world's SLOWEST elevator, with that actor.
And he gets in, smiles, says hi, and thanks, he's really a nice man.
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My husband is always a gentleman, he held the door immediately, and we're in the glass elevator, the world's SLOWEST elevator, with that actor.
And he gets in, smiles, says hi, and thanks, he's really a nice man.
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And I realize, I'm totally screwed.
I have been to a lot of cons, I've met a lot of celebrities, most of them are perfectly nice, and you share some small talk they've heard a million times.
"I like your show."
"I'm a big fan."
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I have been to a lot of cons, I've met a lot of celebrities, most of them are perfectly nice, and you share some small talk they've heard a million times.
"I like your show."
"I'm a big fan."
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And here's the thing, I say again, Mr. Hasselhoff could not be nicer. It's not a phony Hollywood thing, he's just genuinely warm and kind. He's super fit, looks great, he's wearing a white cream suit, he looks like a tv star. And he's very friendly but not smarmy.
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And I start to realize...
I have never seen a single episode of anything he's done.
No Knight Rider
No Baywatch
No Nick Fury
No nothing.
I got NOTHING.
And even WORSE...
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I have never seen a single episode of anything he's done.
No Knight Rider
No Baywatch
No Nick Fury
No nothing.
I got NOTHING.
And even WORSE...
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I realize that at some point, I have tried to watch all three of those things...and turned them off after a few minutes.
I'm not being a snob, I don't watch much tv and these shows were not for me for whatever reason.
AND THERE'S EVEN ONE WORSE THING.
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I'm not being a snob, I don't watch much tv and these shows were not for me for whatever reason.
AND THERE'S EVEN ONE WORSE THING.
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I realize that the ONE THING I had actually seen of his all the way through was a video of him singing on the Berlin Wall in a leather jacket that had twinkly lights on it.
THE HOFF ON THE WALL.
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THE HOFF ON THE WALL.
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SO I am doomed. I can't say 'I'm a fan.' I can't say 'I love your shows.'
Because in my panicked head, he's gonna QUIZ me on who voiced the car or some such shit and I'll be revealed as a FAKE ENJOYER OF CRIMEFIGHTING CAR SHOWS.
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Because in my panicked head, he's gonna QUIZ me on who voiced the car or some such shit and I'll be revealed as a FAKE ENJOYER OF CRIMEFIGHTING CAR SHOWS.
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Again, this is 100% me and I'm quite sure he wasn't waiting for random people to fawn over him but I LITERALLY can't think of a thing to say.
And the phrase hits me. HOFF ON THE WALL.
And I bust out laughing. I cannot stop it, it's a volcano that is beyond me.
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And the phrase hits me. HOFF ON THE WALL.
And I bust out laughing. I cannot stop it, it's a volcano that is beyond me.
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Oh, cast your scornful eyes my way, sure.
BUT YOU TRY NOT LAUGHING WHEN THIS POPS INTO YOUR BRAIN AND WON'T LEAVE.
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BUT YOU TRY NOT LAUGHING WHEN THIS POPS INTO YOUR BRAIN AND WON'T LEAVE.
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HOFF ON THE WALL!
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So now, the guy who had been nothing but polite and who was clearly just looking to get back to his room realizes he's stuck in the elevator with a Goofus Magoo and that makes me laugh harder even though I AM TRYING TO STOP.
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Thinking quickly, with the swift assuredness of the jungle cat, I mumbled, "Sorry, was thinking of a funny thing. mumble mumble"
He was not convinced.
NO ONE FOOLS THE HOFF.
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He was not convinced.
NO ONE FOOLS THE HOFF.
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And the RIDE STILL WENT ON so I complimented his shoes and he said that's very nice and explained where he bought them and twenty seven hours later we got to his floor and he said have a nice night and I had to literally chunk my fingernails into my palms to not laugh again.
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In case you are wondering who the asshole is in this story, let me help you out.
It was me, the asshole was me.
I was not mocking Mr. Hasselhoff, I simply got a brain meme and IT WOULD NOT DIE.
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It was me, the asshole was me.
I was not mocking Mr. Hasselhoff, I simply got a brain meme and IT WOULD NOT DIE.
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So he leaves, I'm sure he forgot the entire thing instantly, AS WELL HE SHOULD.
Husband looks at me, and I am stills struggling. He says what is wrong with you?
And I blurt out, HOFF ON THE WALL!
And collapse in laughter. Amazed I didn't pee.
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Husband looks at me, and I am stills struggling. He says what is wrong with you?
And I blurt out, HOFF ON THE WALL!
And collapse in laughter. Amazed I didn't pee.
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Riotous GALES of laughter, like the kind where you think you're going to collapse.
We're on the next floor, I get out, and for A WEEK I keep thinking of this perfect moment of panic, hilarity and embarrassment and keep crying in laughter IN PUBLIC for NO APPARENT REASON.
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We're on the next floor, I get out, and for A WEEK I keep thinking of this perfect moment of panic, hilarity and embarrassment and keep crying in laughter IN PUBLIC for NO APPARENT REASON.
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A week later, hubby looks at me and he's clearly lost the humor of it all and says, "Why didn't you just say it was nice to meet him?"
And that made it even funnier. Because I can say with absolute certainty that Mr. Hasselhoff did not care that I hadn't seen Baywatch.
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And that made it even funnier. Because I can say with absolute certainty that Mr. Hasselhoff did not care that I hadn't seen Baywatch.
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No doubt he forgot instantly.
BUT THIS HAS MADE ME FEEL GUILTY EVERY TIME I SEE HIS FACE.
FOR OVER A DECADE.
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BUT THIS HAS MADE ME FEEL GUILTY EVERY TIME I SEE HIS FACE.
FOR OVER A DECADE.
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SO!
For future reference, if you meet, say, Hitler, and you're not a fan of his work, just say, "It's nice to meet you."
EVEN IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT.
It's better than this Hoff guilt I carry like a boulder on my back.
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For future reference, if you meet, say, Hitler, and you're not a fan of his work, just say, "It's nice to meet you."
EVEN IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT.
It's better than this Hoff guilt I carry like a boulder on my back.
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