And as it's the Feast Day of the Holy Innocents, celebrating Toughness on Crime, Lorranawdah & Zero Tolerance for Minglin' among the Judean Under-Fives from Jolly Old King Herod, it's time to announce the results of the #DrawPritiPatel CHALLENGE!!!
And first off apologies for the delay in announcing this. As you know, negotiations between the judges went right up to the wire, & the amount of swarfega we'll need to get the blood off that ceiling is nobody's business. Worse, the hand-slashed fish head bearing the results...
...was sat in the back of a refrigerated hearse in a layby outside Ashford while Matt Hancock rang round his mates to find someone to award the contract chaffeuring contract, £300m in used fivers no questions arsked got me? And then, of course, ripped to his tits on babycham &...
...sherbert dabs KGB Sleeper agent & Pantomime Prime Minister "Boris" Johnson sat on the results all over Christmas while he secretly flew by flying monkey to deepest Siberia as they dynamited the permafrost to create the grave for George Blake, the tears freezing on his...
...mottled cheek as "Boris" bade farewell to his old mentor and control. Anyway, let's crack on. And one thing the panel of experts agreed was that you lot really really don't like @pritipatel. Some might even describe your depictions of her as... well... bullying. Not I though..
...for I recognise good humoured joshing when I see it, and I'll give a chinese burn to any fucking snokwflake who disagrees, got me? And in that spirit of self-aggrandising arrogance, let's start with my own entry, submitted because no one else thought of it: The Priti Manger! 
Lots of you actually did some drawing this time, for which I commend you. But I'm always a sucker for objets trouve, so a special mensch to @StickyDrawer for getting all Archimboldo, & @ProfTonyPollard & former winner @JamesDFMellor shamelessly pursuing the Prittstick obvious gag
Also just slipping in as an object trouve is @lightacandleOTM's submission of a St Trinian's cartoon drawn by the great Ronald Searle, brilliantly portraying Priti Patel decades before she was born. @SwissRich71 uncharacteristically taciturn this time round tho
I'm a fool for a good collage too, so hooray for this lot from @crompolius
...and this splendid array from @AQuarterWhit @DrPaulKleiman @fabrica23 @GriffHistorical (though if it'd won I think the judges would've insisted on digging up Goya to lay the garlands on his ochre skull)...
...and the dependable @PastorSauceBoat, a bit of digital brilliance from @StickyDrawer, typically chilling genius from @wefail & another extraordinary art appreciation evening with the sublime @Will_Overman
...with further fine art referencing (with a bit of work put in on the original Goya) from @yrotitna and a lovely bit of subtle sniping from @benehell...
We now, at last, get to the actually drawing bit hinted at in the name - #DrawPritiPatel. Although I've frequently asserted that these challenges are open to all media and none, it's good to see the wealth of limning talent out that I've helped go to waste over the past year...
...and in that I include craftspersonship of all kinds. Two superb creators these Challenges have teased out of the digital woodwork are the incomparable @REmbroiderer & @olepoplia, both of whom have risen to all occasions. Just gotta love this stuff
...but now I'm going to post the your drawings til we get to the one I like best. Happy with that? Tough if you're not - gotta be done by lunchtime. So, here's @Acerte1 channelling (geddit?) "Jaws", @AidanKe42592122 ripping off Willie Rushton & @Andrewm82239566 riffing Nosferatu
...and next up in former winner @artgurucouk (go here to see how he skewered what Domimin Cummings has instead of a soul through pure portraiture martinrowson.com/draw), @AuntyNationalAH & @BenChilton
...a nice bit of bondage from the great & criminally underutilised @blueloutter, a slipped smirk from previous winner @BurtOHare & some finely observed fat legs from @cartoonsbypete
A small digression here on caricature - this next quartet are all by fine draughtspeople, but show how a micron can separate a representation from the actual skewering of the subject's soul: all close, but not quite there - & please take this as constuctive advice. So, starting..
with @cartoonsidrew, the eyes are oddly too close together, whereas with @ChicanePictures they're too far apart; whereas @CookeCartoons is sliding into Patty Hearst because the eyes are too dark. It is genuinely weird - almost magical - how this works, so don't grieve. In 2015...
...I spent an entire weekend struggling to "get" Theresa May, growingly convinced I was actually unable to draw the British Prime Minister & that, consequently, my career was over. Then I dropped her eyes slightly down her face & my hand was firmly up her soul. Anyway, next is...
...this from @Crap_Portraits, who is self-definingly immune from criticism. And a good bit of Off-with-his-headism in @Cunningsplan' Tenniel riff. @DanSPeterson is on point here, except Priti has fatter legs, while @davidsjanes, like many of you, shows her in hell. I wonder why
Good bollocks work in the first of these 2 from @daviescartoons while @Dee_Huez, like @mrleft1980, both borrow from Charles M Schulz (to digress again, there's a website where they run Peanuts strips without the 4th, redemptive frame - it's like fucking Ibsen)
...and @DJGingersteve pleasingly pastiches Picasso. This colour vision of hell from @drawnbymike is complimented by this fantastic line line-up of the whole squalid crew
Onwards onwards! Not halfway done yet! Here's @Globalidentity @GodivaP3 @HerrThorsten @ distinctly unsettling @idoturg
...2 school bully toilet scenes from @isabelshadows - very nicely done graffiti on top of everything else, for detail always counts - & two from former winners @JamesDFMellor & @JaseToons
Something rather alluringly coquettish (excuse me while I pour this bleach into my ear) from @JeremyWDunn, orcish from former winner & #DrawChallenge breakout star @kevinwellsart, just a great gag from the great @KJLambcartoons & another slipped smirk, this time from @Kloob
Scamper scamper! I've been at this an hour already! A straight portrait imbued with psychotic menace from @LaureJames, more school bullying tropes, this time from @mikeo111 & @modernhorrorsuk and more fine "I've-seen-the-future-and-it-smirks", here from @mrdomrichards
This, from Frank Rooney aka @MagwitchC, has added verse, while @MikeMayne16 appears to be suggesting that our beloved Home Secretary is some kind of sonic toxin. Heavens! Meanwhile @MrGSimpson gives us XmasPriti & KubrickHorrorPriti - yikes!
More bullying from @MShepperson (don't try this at home, kiddies!), while @NarcAware's Nazi Priti is just magnificently daft - trousers window to the soul! More essays in verse, this time from @NayCartoons...
Next up, two extraordinary contributions from prodigious regular @nickymonkey, which segues seamlessly into this flying monkey from our very first winner @nuffinc, while @OlegNozdryov has perfectly captured the full Priti
Moving on rapidly - lunch is in 20 minutes - we have @ORourkeGerry - hints of Tove Jansen's Little My - 2 from @oysterslobsters & a poundshop Medusa from @PaulbernalUK
Curiously coquettish again, this from @PaulHayton13, perfect full Priti from the excellent @PeppyScott, hints of Gaudier Brzeska from @petefowlerart & something rather terrifying - correctly so - from @Proper_oribble
Dark visual voodoo from @raisethegame (who has a lovely puppy as her avatar), nice line, but Glenda Jackson eyes, from @redmancreative, good gag from @reverse_sweeper & more diabolical intimations from @riaillustration
Forgive me for rushing these, but I want you all to get your 15 seconds of fame. So moving on: here's @Roy_Isserlis (deeply pervy); @roy_stonebridge (feel this could be a photograph); chinny from former winner @SaHreports & smirky but with @mrmarksteels eyes from @StephenCliffe3
Here's The Grim Reaper from @ShaneoFontaine, and a brilliant geometrical trope too, then @Sidley_Assassin, doing on paper what's illegal with sharp sticks, & yet more disturbing allure, this time from @SKrumping
This tweet is a one person show from the ever wonderful @Songicartoons - watch out, Pete, I charge 98% gallery commission...
And here's yet another @Songicartoons entry, with three from @t_colgate - ain't you boys got 'omes to go to instead of hanging out round here? A special mention, tho, for the truly gruesome depiction of Paddington, which with luck will give the kiddies deep trauma for decades
Hell! It's 1 o'clock already! Quick - here's 2 excellent school bully toons from the equally excellent @stevemaythe1st, a kind of stretched twisted cat's anus Priti from the stupendous @StuDrawings & creepily feline from @t0adscroak
Staying in Hell, another demonic Priti, this one from @therealsarc, a rather fantastically demonic post Chagall from @thesilentview, a numerically challenged Priti from @Tiduswins & more schoolyard japes from the talented young @tomjohnston2796
Leaving us with Priti's head (don't ask) from @VaunEarl & PritiGoatGruff from @PM_Illustration - which you may have noticed was more or less in alphabetical order. And what an excellent Priticopia that was too, so thank you all. But now to the winner, & my shortlist of faves...
Please excuse that slight pause. The top 6 are all so good - in a veritable trough of vicious splendour - I had to look at them all again, and what I'll do is post all six and then make the announcment - if anyone still cares. So...
...they are, this brilliant riff on Brian Bolland's depiction of the Joker from the great @HealeyCartoons, this laugh-out-loud Obvious Gag (there are no gags finer) from @iancartoons, this near pagan portrayal of Priti as elemental monster previous winner @joe_ackenbush
...along with yet another pastiche from the extraordinarily versatile @nickymonkey, this time of Picasso, this posturally perfect & very funny full body caricature from @RonmacCartoons & this, again very funny cartoon from @taylertoons
And you know what? These #DrawChallenges aren't about winning, they're about cobbling together a loose community of bored misanthropes through a bit of collective colouring in to ward off encroaching madness, as we all know. So in many ways we're all losers, and anyway, all...
...you get is an old book from me and the envious contempt of your peers. Still, fuck it. The JOINT winners - because they made me laugh most - are @iancartoons @RonmacCartoons & @taylertoons. Any issues with that, take them up with @pritipatel. Happy New Year!
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