You are all as lonely and miserable as bandicoots because you have bought into fear. Women with their bottom bitch theory, men with their alpha theories. Relationships transcend the linearities of the material. You'll never predict the end no matter how many theories you conjure.
"Don't date a poor man, he'll leave you when he is rich": "Don't date a woman poor, she'll leave you for the rich". So much fear, yet your parents found each other in the village with nothing but slippers - somehow built a life together. But you are smarter!
Material is a very small aspect of relationships. Its importance is magnified by your fears. There are emotional, spiritual & mental aspects. The loudest among the fearmongers have never sustained a relationship beyond six months. You think it is a coincidence?
My rules are simple:
1. Respect self, and my commitments. 2. Develop self-awareness for discernment. 3. Find a passion/purpose outside my partner.
I have really enjoyed my relationships. It is obvious that you need each other, why create so many ghosts?
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Early maturity is only good on paper: only poor people suffer more in Africa. Early maturers suffer loneliness, more burdens from their parents, & more stringent standards from their societies. Because for every 1 early maturer, there are 100 Charlies taking their time.
People abuse early maturers. You use them only as vessels, and therapists. Women use them for advice on men; men use them as designated drivers, or simply ATM machines. Early maturers demand so little of society, and instead of being grateful, society gives them even less.
Parents upon discovering early maturity in their kids, saddle them with even more responsibility: responsibility that should be shared across all siblings. They are made into substitute parents. It is no wonder early maturers develop avoidant attachment.
Even as a young man I knew I wanted to write. I felt it every time I held a pen: I listened to everyone tell me I was good. You soon believe it & conjure it as a purpose: you commit to nothing else. You think if I get there, all will be solved. Purpose becomes nirvana.
But it is not true, this narrative we are sold. Purpose is not a destination. You think when you get there, money will start pouring in. Everyone will seek your company. That you will have everything you ever needed & everything you ignored. That happiness will be a constant.
Purpose is not the beginning of life. Purpose is a collective product of your life. The food you enjoyed, the moments you shared with loved ones. The time you were at the barber's. Even the heartbreaks you suffered. In business, or relationships. The risks you took.
Most importantly, I hope that you, as a man, find the courage to leave the woman that does not appreciate you, that insults you, and abuses you. You are not inevitably tied to a woman, and your continued stay, will not change their minds. Delete that number. Start saying 'No'.
We live in a society that can be very indifferent to male plight. But you feel, you love and you hope. Regardless, these must be tamed. I have shared with so many brothers on the DMs this year. Men suffer abuse. Men suffer betrayal. Men can be very hopeful. To their detriment.
Despite our fervent denial, relationships are an important facet of our lives as men. They affect our overall productivity. Affect our relationship with other men. Women do not have monopoly of exit. Leave a woman that is going nowhere with her life behind. You are not a savior.
I come back to this city a lot. It is here that I schooled. You see that dead stump next to the road, it used to be a huge oak tree. The first time I came back, exactly 2 years after I had left, Tuishime, my former classmate, was a cashier in one of those ubiquitous Indian shops
I found him in the afternoon - hunched next to other worn faces in the hot Nairobi afternoon. He said, "a man must fight", as he dipped a piece of thin chapati in the light bean soup. He had applied to several organizations after internship, but only the Indians would have him.
I said, "sorry man, keep fighting. I'll pray for you". He didn't stay long: said the Indian bosses were rather particular. He walked with long strides. His spring smacked optimism. The throng swallowed him quickly, and I, haunted by its anxiety, hurried out of that gloomy street.
Africans cling to victimhood because the West has fetishized suffering. Victim syndrome sells in the US. African personalities didn't always make an identity of their misfortunes. They sold merit to the world. Today, we hawk trauma for pity money. We're trauma pornstars.
The first thing an African does, as soon as she has the west's attention, injustice. Victimhood is the standard marketing strategy: Colorism, homophobia, sexism...most of these things did not happen. Especially, to the individuals that claim it for mileage.
And when you write long letters for scholarships, you claim poverty you never suffered. You claim discrimination you never experienced. You rob the deserving of their truth. And then you wonder why everybody thinks Africa is one big bush.
You see, the problem in having "beautiful" as your benchmark in seeking romance is that it's limitless. You will never come into the most beautiful woman, You can only come into the most beautiful woman FOR YOU, depending on you. General standards die where the individual begins.
That is why as you grow older, standards shift. Hence, "I ain't got no type". Superficiality loses meaning. "Beautiful" will indeed attract, but we are kept by much more. For instance, I've always preferred taller women, like my mom, but somehow always ended up with short ones.
Because when it came down to it, their height's significance paled in comparison to their minds & spirits. The more I grew to know them, the more the world's standards lost meaning. It felt like home. And it was beautiful. I took the world out of it, and inserted me.