Some stuff I learnt because of a pandemic:

1. Some say a dog is man's best friend. I think it's canned tuna.
2. Ordering pants online is a 50/50 proposition at best.
3. Broccoli bonsai trees only sound good on paper.
4. Bad TV is okay. Like Spam when you haven't eaten in days.
5. If you get through all the levels of Netflix you don't get to record your initials or your high score at the end.
6. You wave at people more. Lots and lots of waving. Like Forrest Gump levels of waving.
7. It's true. That harmonica ain't gonna learn to play itself.
8. Don't name your dust bunnies. Just makes it harder on you when your vacuum cleaner Dave eats them. Horrific really.
9. If cabin fever's really getting to you. I mean really getting to you. Like you feel like a caged animal. Well, become a politician and take a vacation then.
10. Talking to yourself is fine. But if one of you starts speaking in a language you don't know it's maybe time to get some help. понять?
11. Only try The Great Exploding Potato Experiment of 2020 if you have a replacement microwave handy.
12. If when someone asks how you're doing you respond with a tirade about your provincial government maybe it's time to step away from the Twitter and try the Great Exploding Potato Experiment of 2021.
13. Shakespearian sock puppet theatre. Hark! Hours of fun goeth there!
14. Throw a Banana Republic mock turtleneck on under your bathrobe and you're ready for lockdown cocktail hour.
15. If you can spell at least 12 words using the letters in your name you have a really long name.
16. Grilled cheese sandwiches are like the Swiss Army Knife of food.
17. Your mail delivery person doesn't want to hear all about your weekend as much you think they do. No. Seriously. Stop.
18. Small things can be big things. It's all just a state of mind. And the right lighting.
19. Boredom Screaming into Pillows Cognitive Behavioral Training™.
19. Making motorcycle sounds while you're working is not a bad sign. Making screeching tire sounds when you turn the corner into the kitchen ... yeah, that's just juvenile.
20. Clothes don't make the man. A good Zoom background does.

Oh, also, a hat.

• • •

Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to force a refresh
 

Keep Current with Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions Profile picture

Stay in touch and get notified when new unrolls are available from this author!

Read all threads

This Thread may be Removed Anytime!

PDF

Twitter may remove this content at anytime! Save it as PDF for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video
  1. Follow @ThreadReaderApp to mention us!

  2. From a Twitter thread mention us with a keyword "unroll"
@threadreaderapp unroll

Practice here first or read more on our help page!

More from @mynamesnotgordy

9 Jan
What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Well I know I learnt a lot more on Twitter this week than Trump did.
2. After Covid numbers skyrocket in Ontario for past four months, Doug Ford says the data modelling suggests he might have to stop his cross-province campaigning soon.
3. After the assault on the Capitol this week, the CPC finally pulls camou MAGA hats from online merch shop.
4. With pictures of the CPC's Deputy Leader wearing a camou MAGA hat circulating, Michelle Rempel expresses outrage that Candice Bergen getting more attention than she is.
5. UCP MLA Pat Rehn issues statement after return from Xmas trip to Mexico. Says he is sorry, but also very excellent.
6. Jason Kenney says he knows he's failed Albertans and that's why he moved up to the Sky Palace to help him see things from the everyday people's perspective.
Read 15 tweets
2 Jan
What I've learnt on the Twitter this year:

1. The State of Hawaii makes Jason Kenney honorary Premier.
2. Rod Phillips and John Tory say Rod nodded off on a TTC streetcar and somehow ended up in St Barts.
3. New Conservative Task Force created to locate their MPs and staff.
4. Michelle Rempel says, because some other Conservative politicians did the wrong thing, now she can't do the wrong thing, because the media will report she did the wrong thing, and that's wrong for the media to do. That's it. That's the funny part.
5. Mike Harris awarded the Order of Ontario, which basically makes the whole thing an attendance award.
6. Doug Ford announces that a large order of McDonald's fries and a box of Philadelphia Cream Cheese will also be awarded the Order of Ontario this year.
Read 13 tweets
1 Jan
My predictions for things that will *not* happen in 2021:

1. Sometime, in the middle of February, Doug Ford will tell the truth for an entire week.
2. Stephen Lecce will tweet a tweet which doesn't include the words "gratitude" and "consultative", and - actually includes a fact.
3. Jason Kenney will announce funding for a university scholarship for liberal arts students whose parents don't actually contribute to the UCP.
4. Erin O'Toole will admit he and Andrew Scheer were never really scrappy middle-class kids growing up.
5. Doug Ford will preserve a green space.
6. Jason Kenney will announce that Albertans will now have to pay their fair share by paying a provincial sales tax.
7. Conservative governments across Canada will recruit and hire communications staff with some recognizable skillset.
Read 10 tweets
25 Dec 20
What I learnt on the Twitter this year:

1. Doug Ford says "Doug Ford cannot be bought." He does however offer attractive financing terms.
2. Erin O'Toole says the CPC to be a changed party under his leadership. He did not lie. The CPC now has a dog mascot. And even more memes.
3. If you win a lottery you get a giant novelty cheque for the photo opp. You cannot actually take that giant novelty cheque to the bank. It's not real. If Jason Kenney signs a giant novelty healthcare promise...yeah, well you get the idea.
4. Alberta still waiting for that job.
5. Lecce says COVID isn't being spread in Ontario schools. Lecce says thanks to the hard work and sacrifice of teachers and staff, Ontario's schools remain the safest place in the world. Lecce does still think teachers are an overpaid bunch of grumblers.

RT if you love nonnas.
Read 21 tweets
28 Nov 20
What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Doug says Auditor General isn't qualified to assess his government's pandemic response and should leave that work to the sticker salesman and lawyer overseeing the crisis planning.
2. Bearded Etobicoke man yells "Beer, BBQ and Freedom!"
3. Ontario's AG says politicians leading pandemic response, not health experts. Doug says that's untrue; Dr Williams received a text message whenever Doug's Chief of Staff made any important strategy decisions.
4. Dr Williams' contract extended. That's it. That's the funny part.
5. Lecce says 97% of schools Covid-free. Experts disagree, saying number is more like 45%. Lecce says all numbers are ostensible.
6. ON PC's vote to support anti-Muslim homophobe school owner. Doug says school's new Bachelor of Jesus degree means good-paying jobs for graduates.
Read 12 tweets
21 Nov 20
What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Ford announces Toronto & Peel regions will move into the Grey zone. Then he and Brian Lilley move all of Ontario into the bromance Twilight Zone.
2. Reports reveal CPC administrative teams staffed entirely by Andrew Scheer's sisters.
3. Ford says York region not moved to lockdown because Vaughan Working Families assures him Lecce's Team Nonnas promise to behave.
4. Elliott says when Dr Williams said Ontario would be back in Green by Xmas he meant green sweaters.
5. Lecce says 113% of Ontario schools are safe.
6. UCP's Ministry of Environment and Parks says data they haven't collected yet indicates many parks they're selling are underutilized.
7. Kenney to tear out Living Wall on Federal Building. Says the $75K savings can be better used buying For Sale ads for parks he's not selling.
Read 14 tweets

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!


This site is made by just two indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3/month or $30/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!

Follow Us on Twitter!