Thread by @evanlapointe

The 2 main reasons leaders struggle (especially new ones):

1. They mistakenly believe that the people involved are better humans than they actually are.

2. They mistakenly believe that the people involved are worse humans than they actually are.

(+ a few more notes...)

Agreeable people tend to believe that everyone else is like them. Compassionate, cooperative, understanding, empathetic, able to think ahead about how choices affect other people.

They are wrong a [significant] percentage of the time.

When they are wrong, they get taken advantage of. It happens in negotiations, it happens with bosses who pretend to be caring, and it happens with employees whose consistent self-centeredness is wrongly forgiven with infinite second chances (rather than getting someone better).

Agreeable plans fail when they assume that other people will act out of others' interest rather than their own. But not everyone has that tendency or capacity on a consistent basis, so plans go awry and self-centered people take advantage for their own gain.

On the flipside, you have disagreeable people also tending to believe that everyone else is like them. That people won't do things without a reason...a carrot or a stick.

They are also wrong.

Millions of people have genuine passion. They are compelled to action without incentive. They are compelled to action, even when EVERY incentive is encouraging them to do the opposite of what they know is right. They have purpose.

When disagreeable people are wrong, they create too much structure and control, which repels genuinely intelligent and self-motivated people. They monitor hours worked, presence in the office, responsiveness to night and weekend emails, making loyalty a proxy of goodness.

These are things an agreeable person would never do. And when applied to agreeable people, structure robs them of the creative space to reach their potential. It's like putting a short string on their balloon, only letting them fly inches above the controlling hand.

Disagreeable people create hierarchical places incapable of escaping the rigidness of physical structure, incapable of innovating, incapable of sharing ideas across the organization, or experimentation outside of rigidly stated and enforced priorities.

All of the smart, self-propelled people leave to work at other companies or become entrepreneurs that drive the revolution their disagreeable overlords can't understand.

And it all started because a disagreeable person assumed the worst in others.

The antidote to this all is to not generalize human beings... that's because we are all different. A unique cocktail of internal motivations and interests sculpts what we call "personality."

The key is to see those differences. Here's what they are.

Enthusiasm
Assertiveness
Volatility
Withdrawal
Creativity
Adventurousness
Intellectualism
Industriousness
Orderliness
Honesty
Humility
Compassion
Politeness

(From the Big 5 / HEXACO models, which are statistical models).

Each of these motivations can also be traced to brain physiology and concentrations of chemicals in the brain and body.

Intensely discompassionate, disagreeable people aren't just in a mood. Let's look deeper.

There is a physiological difference in the brain, which can be seen most clearly in the anterior insular cortex, oxytocin levels, and more. These are regions and chemicals that regulate how much we notice people and balance self-centered thought with perceiving other humans.

Personality has some common threads with athleticism in this way. More creative thinkers have a more conductive right prefrontal cortex. People with sharp memory have greater cortical thickness in their hippocampus.

We can all grow and improve, but brains have physical differences just like bodies. And if we're building a team, we want a diverse set of brains, ideal both for each role and for gelling as a team.

While intensely disagreeable people are just to be avoided, being disagreeable isn't a bad thing. Let me end by backpedaling a bit.

It isn't a good thing to not know karate. It's a good thing to know karate and not use it unless you absolutely have to.

Each of us needs the strength and will to stick up for ourselves and put our foot down at the right moments. We need that karate to survive in the world.

Go out there and get some moderately disagreeable friends and colleagues. Learn to engage in conversations that help you see each others' perspectives. Be aware that disagreeable thinking is inherently more dominant than agreeable thinking, so go into conversation knowing that.

And then branch out from there and begin doing the same with creativity, assertiveness, and the rest of the list above.

We need each others' differences to thrive. And to succeed, need to see those differences rather than generalize.