There once was a Senator named Ted,
He left his poor Texas for dead.
He abandoned his rubes,
Put the kids in some tubes,
And tanned his man boobs instead.
There once was a man in Cancun,
His vacation, a wee bit too soon,
While his state boils tap water,
He puts in a room service order,
And now shamefully hides in his room.
There once was man from Texas,
Who went on Twitter to cure his erections,
After inciting a riot,
He vacationed real quiet,
And is off planning his next insurrections.
There once was a man in Cancun.
His critics were over the moon.
He took one look at the tweets,
Yelled 'Heidi, book us some seats!'
And flew home with no first class leg room.

• • •

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More from @jeremynewberger

4 Feb
Hey @RepMTG this is after American Airlines Flight 77 hit the Pentagon on 9/11. 184 people killed. The only thing so called about it is your expertise.
And these sweet faces are the faces of actual victims of a terrible school shooting at the Sandy Hook Elementary School. Not staged. Not fake. Carried out by someone who should never have had a gun. May their memories be a blessing forever and always.
And these beautiful faces are the victims of the
Stoneman Douglas High School shooting in Parkland, FL. Also not fake. Not staged. These young people are not actors. They are losses that grieving families will never get back. You have given those families more pain.
Read 5 tweets
21 Aug 20
Next week...

SCOTT BAIO: I‘m someone who knows about Happy Days. Pause for laugh. Oh I wasn’t supposed to read that. Let me start over. I’m someone who knows...

TRUMP: Thank you Fabio. Great kid. I taught him how to act. So Sleepy Joe bombed his schpeesh last week. What a mesh!
TRUMP: I want to bring out the First Lady. Everyone loves the First Lady. Isn’t she great? Come on out Melania. The best thing about her is how handsome she thinks I am. Ask her. If there were people in here you could ask her. Melania come out. Dan, would you get her out here?
TRUMP: Now I want you to meet a great guy, Herman Cain!
BEN CARSON: Hi Don. Thanks for inviting me. I have very good news about the vaccine I developed for COVID while doing the HUD. Me and the MyPillow guy tested it on many of the animals on my backyard ark and it worked twice.
Read 5 tweets
5 Aug 20
Lights up. Projected on WH is giant MAGA hat. We hear Pump Up The Jam as barking German Shepherds run across the Rose Garden. Ted Nugent appears on WH balcony shredding a solo as Sean Hannity in an American flag tuxedo and top hat escorts Ivanka from the South Portico. (1)
A Horah circle forms with Lindsey Graham, Lou Dobbs, Ted Cruz, and Newt Gingrich. They lift Don Jr. in a chair. F-16s fly over dropping blue ice on poor DC neighborhoods. A giant Confederate flag unfurls as Kid Rock sings "Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy, diggy..." (2)
In a sexy burlesque outfit with long fishnet stockings, Judge Jeanine Pirro dances out on the Front Lawn. She pops a champagne cork. Through a cloud of tear gas a gas masked Trump walks out. We hear The Apprentice theme. Matt Gaetz drops rose petals as Trump heads to podium. (3)
Read 4 tweets
14 Jun 20
@realDonaldTrump ...And the water glass was very heavy, twice the weight of a normal water glass, and that's why I had to hoist it up with my other hand, to make sure it didnt fall and break, causing broken glass to hurt one of our troops, which the fake news would love.
@realDonaldTrump ...might be one of the steepest ramps in the history of our country. Many people are saying that not even Evel Knievel would have attempted it as quickly as I did. Sleep Joe Biden would have skidded down the ramp. My strong heels managed it like a champ. I had Bone spurs ya know.
@realDonaldTrump ...I actually was holding up that General down the ramp, who was having a tough time with the ramp. He will write a letter tomorrow confirming or AG Barr will. If I didn't go that slow, my General would have fallen. Some might say I saved him. Purple Heart?
Read 6 tweets
29 May 20
@MnDPS_MSP Here's a helpful guide for you fellas in the @MNDPS_MSP:

This is a weatherman doing the weather. Don't arrest.
@MnDPS_MSP This is a news anchor doing the news. Don't arrest.
@MnDPS_MSP This is a talk show host. Don't arrest.
Read 4 tweets

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