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Oliver Willis Profile picture
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18 Feb, 5 tweets, 2 min read
"I was on a fact finding trip to see which sand from Cancun I could transport to Texas to assist in relief efforts. Yeah. That's it." #TedCruzExcuses
"I was meeting in Cancun with a drug lord contact who promised to give me the contents of Hunter Biden's laptop." #TedCruzExcuses
"AOC had me drugged and kidnapped, I woke up on a beach in Cancun with a drink in my hand and no memory of what happened. I ask you to respect my family's privacy at this time." #TedCruzExcuses
"This is the simple explanation: That was my twin brother, Fred Cruz. He likes to get away on vacation and from time to time I allow him to use my identity to travel due to an unfortunate run in with the law in the 80s that has him on the no-fly list." #TedCruzExcuses
"President Trump sent me to Cancun to pick up some very important documents related to Q matters in advance of his March 4 re-inauguration." #TedCruzExcuses

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More from @owillis

Oliver Willis Profile picture
19 Feb
since yesterday my mentions have been a complete mess of firearms safety tweets. i dont understand how come we dont have a cultural thing where we make fun of gun nerds. as a computer/comic book nerd, it sounds exactly the same to me.
while they endlessly prattle on about trigger locks and magazines, here i am praising myself for my recent revolutionary decision to file my comics by storyline and not by issue number.

its a big deal.
"why are these issues of flash and aquaman squished between copies of the justice league?"

"THEYRE PART OF THE ENDLESS WINTER STORYLINE, SORTED SEQUENTIALLY IT MAKES THE MOST COHESIVE SENSE, LET ME LIVE MY LIFE"
Read 4 tweets
Oliver Willis Profile picture
19 Feb
its my dream that jesus comes back specifically to tell human beings "not like that, i didn't say any of that." and then he just leaves again, shaking his head in disappointment.
just increasingly incredulous jesus.

"what? gay people? you got angry at gay people? i said love thy neighbor, my dad, dude, nobody does the reading"
*jesus looks at all the religion-affiliated rituals*

"look, i dont want to get too judgey here but i really didn't need all of this" *jesus waves wildly at the churches and the robes and the sacrament* "i just said, pray, dude. anywhere!"
Read 6 tweets
Oliver Willis Profile picture
19 Feb
my fellow liberals: we don't fall for things like republicans, we're not vulnerable to emotional appeals like conservatives

*liberals make some damned thing go viral because it "feels true"*

me:
theres some stuff i do think liberals are better at - empathy, governing, basic competence - but the part that makes me roll my eyes is when libs insist we can't have our emotional buttons pushed and that unlike conservatives we're not susceptible to manipulation.
if you're human, you can and will fall for all of that.
Read 4 tweets
Oliver Willis Profile picture
19 Feb
oh no, not herd immunity. not that, i mean, why would biden want a summer economic recovery on his watch? #duh
tfw months after winning an election the economy could start to rebound Image
this is one of the side effects of conservative media. they create a caricature of "what liberals want" and then they start to believe it. "liberals want shutdowns, and now there wont be any shutdowns, so they will be sad." fucking stupid. but this is the right.
Read 5 tweets
Oliver Willis Profile picture
19 Feb
cruz can wriggle out of this if he chooses this moment to confess to his crimes as the zodiac.
"Sean, I know we're here tonight to address my trip to Mexico, and I'll get to that. But there's the little matter of a series of murders in the San Francisco region I'd like to speak about..."
"How is that possible, you may ask. How am I the Zodiac killer when I was born in 1970? I'm coming clean Sean. I'm actually 80 years old and was well on my way to becoming one of America's most notorious serial killers in my 20s and 30s."
Read 5 tweets
Oliver Willis Profile picture
17 Feb
the way this would work is limbaugh had his "stack" of news stories. he'd read off some of the real story, or play a clip, but then kind of like a sportscaster, he'd stop and say "but what theyre really saying is this" (which would be some right wing bs).
to his audience, in a world of legitimately confusing information, this would be like the light in the darkness. all their weird feelings could be explained as a legit reaction to what they saw as deranged liberal behavior. "im not feeling racism, the msm just says i am" etc
they all do it. alex jones does it all the time. its what tucker does every night. ive had the pet theory for a long time that in some alt reality, limbaugh could have come up with an equally compelling left-wing narrative. he used his legit power for very evil ends.
Read 6 tweets

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