Thread by @VespertilioGem

Good Evening, Everyone! I figure I'm overdue for a #Kissmatewatches, so let's get one started with Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)!

I first saw the announcement and was excited!
Then the first trailer came out.
After the BLOW-UP of hatred, they fixed Sonic.
I've heard nothing since.

I'm no stranger to Sonic, nor his fans. I've seen some of the best of this hero. And I've seen the worst, too. Maybe this won't be so bad?

It's got Jim Carry in it? Oh, that's... Um... Hmm.

*Note, it's spelled Carrey, I have come to realize. Oops.

#Kissmatewatches Paramount opened with golden rings instead of stars for their logo. It looks BAD.

#Kissmatewatches San Fran is the unfortunate host for the battle between Sonic and Dr Robotnik. We nearly get a record-scratch intro before being thrown back in time. Because Sonic always goes too fast for us. So he started the story in the middle. GeT iT?!

#Kissmatewatches We get a TON of tropes right from the beginning that don't fit Sonic at all:
Must Hide Super Power
Evil(?) Wants Hero's Power
Mentor Dies Saving Hero

And who is Longclaw? Why are the Echidnas alive, and after Sonic? I'm pretty sure this is lore-breaking.

#Kissmatewatches Like, they got Sonic's cocky attitude right. I'm happy that bare minimum was reached. The island he grew up on looked like it was straight from the early games.

#Kissmatewatches After the backstory, we see a cop (Tom) played by James Marsden try to be funny. He is not funny.
Sonic fucks with him to see his "high speed score" on the radar. Sonic is happy when he sees 300 mph.

#Kissmatewatches So turns out Sonic secretly lives in Green Hills, which is actually a town. He follows Tom "Donut Lord" who lives with Maddie "Pretzel Lady" while avoiding Crazy Carl who is trying to catch him.

#Kissmatewatches I saw they used an old famous fanart of Sonic for Crazy Carl to show everyone. I hope they paid the artist some money for that visual.
Also, Sonic hates mushrooms. Because Mario???? IDK

#Kissmatewatches Tom gets accepted to move to the LAPD. He is clearly married to Maddie, which cool because biracial couple (Maddie is black, Tom is white). They have a nice loving and supportive relationship.

#Kissmatewatches Back to Sonic, he plays an entire baseball game by himself which makes him realize he's all alone. He runs around the diamond in a fit of angst, which causes an electric explosion, causing the "entire Pacific NW" to lose power.

#Kissmatewatches Absurd area size affected aside, it's enough to get the Pentagon's attention. Which is bullshit, I say. Either way, they send out their best lab rat- ohgoodlordplzno

#Kissmatewatches There's no gentle way to say this: Jim Carrey as Dr. Robotnik is such bullshit for so many reasons.
For starters, it's no different than any other Jim Carrey comedy role. Seen Ace Ventura, or The Grinch? Then you've seen Dr. Robotnik in Sonic 2020.

#Kissmatewatches Also, they thin-washed a fat man! Robotniki/Eggman has ALWAYS been round and chubby! Carrey is far too thin to play any fat person! And no, fat suits don't count! Hollywood has plenty of fat actors to play the villain! Kevin Smith, Alec Baldwin, John Goodman!

#Kissmatewatches I feel they made RoboCarrey very Millennial? He (verbosely) called someone basic, and I'm afraid it may get worse from here.

#Kissmatewatches RoboCarrey manages to PHDBS his way to get a search for an unknown creature. Sonic panics and tries to use a Ring Warp, but gets interrupted with Tom's tranq gun, thus losing ALL his Warp Rings in San Fran. OOPS.

#Kissmatewatches This is one long comedy routine that's not funny more than funny. And most of the successful lands are from Tom, not Carrey!

#Kissmatewatches So far, the best part is RoboCarrey shreiking at the sight of Sonic and getting knocked the fuck out.

#Kissmatewatches The pacing in this movie SUCKS. It speeds up certain parts, then drags its feet during others. And for the bits it drags on for, they try to fill some time with "High-LAR-ious" comedy. And it's not cool to write "[insert joke] failed because-" in every tweet.

#Kissmatewatches omg Sonic is a caricature of an ADHD-riddled young boy. As someone with ADHD, this is... This is offensive. And not very Sonic either. Sure, he can have ADHD. I don't mind that. But this is Movie ADHD. Comedy-brand ADHD. Not what actual IRL ADHD is.

#Kissmatewatches This movie could have had Sally Acorn and Amy Rose and Tails fighting off the evil, industrial growth of Eggman/Robotnik! But instead we get Sonic, the Smurfs Retelling. Not Happy.

#Kissmatewatches ....Wait, why aren't we focusing or talking to Maddie at all? We have a bar fight and a fart joke, but no catch-up with the only named Black character? What the fuck?

#Kissmatewatches RoboCarrey just beat up a biker dude off-screen and without tech. I thought the movie said he uses tech to overcome brawn? Why couldn't we see something like that?

#Kissmatewatches I WOULD TAKE A ROBOCARREY ROBO FIST OVER NOTHING.
NOTHING ISN'T ALWAYS FUNNY. IT USUALLY ISN'T.

#Kissmatewatches So Sonic is trying to talk Tom out of going to the big city because he's appreciated in that small town? "Yeah, fuck your dream because you already have the dream!" This feels wrong.

#Kissmatewatches Sonic gets injured in a drone fight, so they head to Maddie and her sister's place. The sister reminds me of the Angry Black Woman That's Too Angry To Listen stereotype. She even berates Maddie for not divorcing her white husband. It feels very racist.

#Kissmatewatches RoboCarrey gets a music break and... I keep thinking of better actors that would be so much better at this.

#Kissmatewatches Oh Good, they tie up the sister because she'll be too in-the-way and too angry to be useful. This is super racist now.

#Kissmatewatches Wow, now we have a joke about kidnapping and child abuse. I am... not thrilled.

#Kissmatewatches So they get Sonic to the roof and get his Warp Rings. Not too hard. Lots of shitty jokes, but it's done!

Why is there 30 more minutes on the timer?

#Kissmatewatches The Ring Toss gets interrupted by RoboCarrey. Quipping. Sonic calls him Eggman and the fight "begins".

#Kissmatewatches Sonic Warps the human pair to Green Hills to save them from a fall, and then goes to face RoboCarrey.
Sonic uses Warp Rings through several places, but still ends up in Green Hills. The residents lash out with Tom to protect Sonic.

#Kissmatewatches Worst Warp Fight Ever

#Kissmatewatches Oh Sonic just got up and absorbed his stolen quill power while going all staticky. He beats RoboCarrey's ass and sends him to Mushroom Land. Lame Fight.

#Kissmatewatches And Tom just said "Screw My Dream, I Wanna Stay Here". Fuck his Dreams, I guess.

#Kissmatewatches After a lame product plug, they treat Sonic like a child they adopted. They even made up the attic like his cave. Sonic does an awkward Flossing Man dance and we zoom out with family laughter.

#Kissmatewatches We see RoboCarrey not doing so well in Mushroom World. Then we get Rap Credits.
AFTER CREDIT
Miles "Tails" Prower steps out of a Warp Ring and races off to find a "him". That was the closest I've seen to the games this whole movie.

#Kissmatewatches I felt like this was made for 12 year olds, so made Sonic the same. Unfortunately, that alienated the rest of the audiences they could have reached with this movie.

3/10, would rather play Sonic '06 than watch again. Yes, I mean it.

@threadreaderapp Unroll please