I hope parents of middle school boys know how **angry** many boys are at girls.
I know this is nothing new, but it's important for parents of boys to understand how deep a boy's resentment of girls can run during adolescence.
I'm shocked at the things I hear being said.
I know this is nothing new, but it's important for parents of boys to understand how deep a boy's resentment of girls can run during adolescence.
I'm shocked at the things I hear being said.
I've spent the last year thinking about what makes otherwise sweet boys so rage-filled & cruel to girls.
My theory is that they feel desire and lust, but they aren't mature enough yet to compartmentalize that desire in a healthy way.
They're mad they can't get what they want.
My theory is that they feel desire and lust, but they aren't mature enough yet to compartmentalize that desire in a healthy way.
They're mad they can't get what they want.
I think most of them are very aware of consent and bodily autonomy, and they're just frustrated and angry at these new feelings and not knowing what to do with them.
That's all OK, and probably healthy.
But then they see girls being confident, peppy, & unapologetically cute...
That's all OK, and probably healthy.
But then they see girls being confident, peppy, & unapologetically cute...
...and I think it makes them angry that they don't feel that confident. They aren't getting the "go girl" messaging that girls are getting.
That's when something unhealthy happens inside them and they want to take these girls down a notch (and I think it's mostly subconscious).
That's when something unhealthy happens inside them and they want to take these girls down a notch (and I think it's mostly subconscious).
If you look at a girl's Instagram, every time she posts a pic, she has a "hype squad" of girls saying 'omg ur gorg' or 'omg your body!' over and over again.
The boys don't have something like that, and I think they see it as frustrating and braggy.
The boys don't have something like that, and I think they see it as frustrating and braggy.
The number of moms I've had reach out to me with screenshots of boys terrorizing their daughters as a result of them posting cute pics of themselves on social media is in the dozens.
"You're such a bitch" "you're a c**t" "why are u such a sl*t?"
To 13 year-old girls.
"You're such a bitch" "you're a c**t" "why are u such a sl*t?"
To 13 year-old girls.
Before anyone says it, NO the answer is NOT to keep your girls from posting cute pics or bikini selfies on Instagram or SnapChat or doing cute dances on TikTok.
The answer is for parents of boys to prepare their boys with the skills to handle seeing girls they may desire online.
The answer is for parents of boys to prepare their boys with the skills to handle seeing girls they may desire online.
Prepare you boys for being rejected.
And teach them that their desire is normal and that people go around feeling desire and lust all day long, and they often just tuck it away so they can function and be friendly and professional with people they desire.
These are life skills
And teach them that their desire is normal and that people go around feeling desire and lust all day long, and they often just tuck it away so they can function and be friendly and professional with people they desire.
These are life skills
I've had the opportunity to write about consent and sex ed for so long that I've been able to talk to my own boys about this stuff really clearly. I feel like I've been given the info to arm them so they haven't done this.
But moms of girls are desperate for help.
But moms of girls are desperate for help.
And none of this is new - I think it's just amplified by social media and how confident and empowered the girls seem on it.
When I was in middle/high school boys HATED ME and called me stuck up, sl*t, dyke, etc. because I didn't want them or because I was too confident.
When I was in middle/high school boys HATED ME and called me stuck up, sl*t, dyke, etc. because I didn't want them or because I was too confident.
And parents of boys need to tell their boys that girls are suffering from the mean things their friends are saying. They're crying and going to very dark places in their minds.
They don't show that pain online. They just show the cute TikTok dance, but the pain is very real.
They don't show that pain online. They just show the cute TikTok dance, but the pain is very real.
As parents, our job is to teach empathy and to bring the reality of others' suffering to our kids.
That includes what's happening among their own friend groups, at their own schools, and within their own sisters.
Sit down with your boys and tell them this.
That includes what's happening among their own friend groups, at their own schools, and within their own sisters.
Sit down with your boys and tell them this.
Don't shame them, don't accuse them if they're not doing it.
Just talk about what you know is happening, how it feels to be shamed and insulted and slut-shamed or fat-shamed or the target of racist or antisemitic insults or "jokes".
Ask them why they think it's happening.
Just talk about what you know is happening, how it feels to be shamed and insulted and slut-shamed or fat-shamed or the target of racist or antisemitic insults or "jokes".
Ask them why they think it's happening.
And then listen with compassion.
Their answers might not be what you wish they'd say, but if they're being honest, you can lovingly point out where the faulty thinking is happening.
Our boys are having a hard time; not just during this pandemic, but in general. Show up w/love
Their answers might not be what you wish they'd say, but if they're being honest, you can lovingly point out where the faulty thinking is happening.
Our boys are having a hard time; not just during this pandemic, but in general. Show up w/love
To clarify:
I don't think girls' perceived happiness and support causes the problem with boys - but I think it FEELS that way to them. I think they're jealous of the freedom and happiness they *think* the girls have.
It's so hard to write that kind of nuance in a thread.
I don't think girls' perceived happiness and support causes the problem with boys - but I think it FEELS that way to them. I think they're jealous of the freedom and happiness they *think* the girls have.
It's so hard to write that kind of nuance in a thread.
I've elaborated on this thread in a full article. Hope it adds a little insight and nuance to a really complicated subject.
yourtango.com/2021340646/why…
yourtango.com/2021340646/why…
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