to me the wildest part of trump’s speech was the fifteen minute tangent about “cats shouldn’t eat lasagna whose idea was that”
will admit I wanted to hear more about holding big soap accountable for the conspiracy of how hard it is to wash the bottom of your feet but he just moved straight into the lasagna thing
honestly the only newsworthy part of the whole thing was trump saying he set the feds after wayne lapierre after they had a falling out over wayne refusing to take trump’s advice on including a penthouse forum style “I had sex with a gun” letters section of the nra magazine
think I’ve gotta side with trump here, it’s a pretty catch idea, although I’ll admit it’s not clear whether the sex was with a person while holding a gun or actually having sex with a gun itself
now we are getting to the good stuff. trump now saying not only did he not go to walter reed with covid but walter reed hospital doesn’t actually exist, it’s just an abandoned jc penney but everyone has to play along for the funding? not sure how this theory goes, it’s new
trump says helicopters aren’t real either and he’s asked scientists; no one can explain how the blades don’t smash into each other or fly right off, it’s got to be some kind of alien tech
says he asked about aliens and stephen miller just kept saying “sir we took care of it sir” and he could never get to the bottom of it. goes on to say the official pronunciation inside the pentagon of UFO is “uffo” and the tv shows have it all wrong
now saying ted cruz ate the whole cow made out of butter and not many people know that. ok I guess, tough to know what the truth is on that one
getting good, trump claims john roberts hasn’t registered his fishing boat in four years, this is a big big crime somebody needs to look into
trump is still speaking. a tiny dentist’s stool on an inspector gadget arm type thing has popped out of the podium for him to prop up on, and he’s shifting one ass cheek on and off trying to get comfortable. the podium looks to be rocking free of the half inch bolts
the podium has toppled. “don’t pay the podium guy” trump yells from the floor. he’s picked himself back up and is now asking the stagehands to look for hunter biden’s laptop beneath the buckled floorboards that popped up when he fell.
gotta give him credit he is right back into his speech. people are leaving and it’s visibly uncomfortable because in the fall trump’s trousers tore at the seat and somehow there is a red tie hanging out of the hole like a dog tongue. apparently this is his “backup tie” he says
we are back to the big soap conspiracy, trump says he can’t take a shower because the water pressure doesn’t get the soap off his feet and they had to install a special chair for him, which is very low class
very awkward moment here, only a few guests remain, matt schlapp just came onstage and tried to thank trump and take the mic, trump refused and threatened to have the secret service shoot him. the secret service has seemingly also left, leaving a stalemate
matt schlapp is now trying to lead trump offstage by grabbing at his backup tie hanging out of his ass like it’s flag football. cameras have been instructed to stop rolling. schlapp has a firm grip on the backup tie but they are just spinning in circles
matt schlapp has exited the stage yelling “fine fine I don’t care what you do then” and trump has returned to his speech without missing a beat. he’s now saying closed captioning is a hoax because it “goes too fast”
the last five minutes have been more incomprehensible than usual. trump is demanding to know who designed the spoon, saying if you look at a shovel it has a pointy tip, why can’t spoons have a pointy tip, swears that’s how they were when he was a kid before america “got weak”
the lights just went out. not clear what that means. trump saying something about “AOC got me with the green new deal” but I can’t quite make it out because the speakers went dead. lots of clunking and shouting.
lights came back on, secret service has returned and have formed a perimeter around the stage. trump is nowhere to be seen. I’m being asked to leave by an agent but it’s clearly not a request. that’s all from CPAC I guess
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