What are the top four ways relationships get into trouble quick?
1) Unspoken expectations. 2) Unspoken values. 3) The meaning we make out of what we don't know. 4) Assumption of motive in the other.
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And then we spin in the '4th space: the space inside the other' and we spend inordinate amounts of time wondering, 'what were they thinking, why did they do it that way.'
Spinning ensues.
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It takes courage, clarity, calm and curiosity.
Sorry for the litany of Cs....old preacher syndrome....
But you can speak the unspoken and move into a posture of curiosity with the person to regain human connection.
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Find out their values rather than assume, find out their expectations, or your unrealistic or realistic expectations.
name the dynamic, ask, be open.
it will dissolve anxiety.
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And of course, yes it is true and we see it here on twitter, some people like to watch the world burn.
Some want to misunderstand you.
Some can only hear the story they tell themselves, rather than what is really going on in you.
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Those are hard cases. They can cause much pain, but they are one reason you pray. Pray for those who persecute you etc.
You can worry, but it won't make it better.
Prayer can alleviate and sometimes make it better, sometimes just lessen the sting.
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And of course, the wonderful words of Mark Twain, 'Sometimes cursing provides relief not even afforded to prayer.'
!!!!
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Chronic anxiety is present any time the false self is demanding attention.
What do you think you need that you don't really need?
What are you in the grip of that God is rescuing you from?
Jesus died to free me from needing ______ anymore
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For me? Thanks for asking.
Gold standard sermons everytime.
Having the answer always at the ready.
Everyone approving me, no matter what.
More insight from me when you don't understand me or misattribute my motives.
and plenty more.
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I recommend you write them out. It is crazy what you live for and how tightly you are in the grip of these false needs.
Pay attention to superlatives and exxagerations.
'always' 'everyone' 'must' etc. These words are evidence of being in anxiety's squeeze.
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Perfect love displaces fear. I think fear can displace our awareness and experience of perfect love. It cannot displace God's love, but it sure can displace our awareness of it.
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Knowing you're in anxiety's grip is actually not as easy as we think. We tend to bear down and try harder instead of pausing.
One way to notice it: you are no longer aware of God's presence and God's love.
It could be that your anxiety has displaced your awareness.
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Warning Signs:
- you start to think it is all on you/all on your shoulders.
- 'if it is to be, it is up to me.' An anxious statement if ever I heard one.
- An impending feeling of doom or hopelessness.
- Rigid thinking, either-or locked in thinking.
- double binding.
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1. The space inside you 2. The space between you and another 3. The space between others 4. The space inside another.
A powerful de escalation tools is to first locate the anxiety. Where is it?
Often the answer is 'all 4.' Yikes!
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Anxiety is contagious, we spread it and escalate it unless we know how to manage it.
This was perhaps my biggest lesson as a trauma chaplain - the very hard work of not catching someone's anxiety.
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When I caught it, I was no good to them. I no longer saw what was going on, I was now 'infected' by my own triggers, assumptions, the story I tell myself. I was all wrapped up in myself.
But when I managed my anxiety, I was able to be calm, aware and fully present to them.
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1: Consider anxiety as an 'agent' by which I mean it has agency. My argument has always been that anxiety has agency over us before we know it and it displaces our awareness of God.
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Many see anxiety as neutral. I see it as nefarious.
It has agency over you and it sends a message of doom.
So becoming aware of anxiety's grip, knowing your recurring triggers and knowing the truth of God's love can really keep it from wreaking havoc.
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The second dynamic is power. Lately, especially with all the horrendous power abuses by some Christian leaders, we are thinking about power in terms of gender, race, hierarchy, acclaim etc. This is all good and right and I am grateful for the voices leading us well in that.
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They are a form of double bind, a 'lose-lose' but they are harder to spot because of their shifting nature.
Like double binds, they can come at us or come from within us. Identifying when you're in a shifting target situation is key
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A quick note: they are the intentional weapon of narcissists and psychopaths. They use them to push you around, throw you off what you know to be true. I've seen a narcissistic paint a clear target and then punish you when you hit it.
But for the rest of us....
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The red flags to indicate you're in a shifting target situation:
1. When someone comes for help, but you are trying harder than they are for change.
2. Similar to above, no matter your suggestions, they are swatted away with 'that won't work, what else?'
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Frustrated with someone? A person in your life generating anxiety in you?
Anxiety says, 'they are the problem' and whoa nellie, they might be the problem or they might be 90% of the problem.
But as long as it is 'they, they, they' you will stay stuck in an anxiety spiral.
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Instead, we can pause, get help and map out the problem.
1. What exactly is the problem? 2. What are my attempted solutions?
Often times, my attempted solution is an anger fantasy or self righteousness. Sheesh.
and then....
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3. How am I complicit in the problem?
I often think or act in ways that feed the problem. This is not about me carrying what is theirs to carry, it is about recognizing ways my conflict avoidance gene and my self righteousness keep me spinning.
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