Thread by @CountBinface

ELECTION THREAD!
Dearest Earthlings, I am proud to present my full manifesto for the 2021 London Elections. It is a fully-costed suite of policies which marries fiscal responsibility, social awareness, and not being an anti-vaccine nutjob. This is my 21-Point Plan for ‘21...!

✅ London Bridge to be renamed after Phoebe Waller.

✅ #HammersmithBridge to be repaired, and renamed Wayne after the former England international footballer.

✅ Croydon to get a facelift, ironically.

✅ No shop to be allowed to sell a croissant for more than £1.

1/8

✅ Free parking between Vine Street and The Strand (for electric vehicles only)

✅ HS2 protestors to be allowed to build their tunnel at Euston, all the way to Birmingham. To be followed by a second tunnel that links Birmingham to Manchester

✅ Finish Crossrail.

2/8

✅ At Trafalgar Square, Sir David Attenborough to be placed on the Fourth Plinth. Or a statue of him. Either’s fine.

✅ Speaker phones on public transport to be banned. Offenders to be forced to watch the movie version of Cats every day for a year.

✅ London to join the EU

3/8

✅ All government ministers’ pay, including the mayor’s, to be tied to that of nurses for the next 100 years

✅ Loud snacks to be banned from theatres

✅ The Trocadero to be turned back into a truly top-notch video arcade

✅ Piers Corbyn to be banished to the Phantom Zone

4/8

✅ I will create a Smart Speaker’s Corner, replacing the usual nutters who stand around at Hyde Park Corner with state-of-the-art technology that (a) understands the Earth is round, and (b) will perform a fart sound on command. The current incumbents can only do the latter.
5/8

✅ On one day every year, escalators on the Underground to be reversed, encouraging travellers to go up the down escalators and down the up ones, as a free gym and Gladiators simulator all in one.

✅ Mask-wearing in public to be encouraged, during the pandemic and beyond.

6/8

✅ The Royal Family to keep one of Buckingham Palace, Kensington Palace, St James’ Palace and Clarence House, with the rest gifted to the nation to help eradicate homelessness. If the royals complain that one palace isn’t enough, they will be forced to buy Crystal Palace FC.
7/8

✅ The hand dryer in the gents’ toilet at the Crown & Treaty, Uxbridge, to be moved to a more sensible position.

✅ Traitors’ Gate to be reopened for business, and to welcome Dido Harding on Day One.

✅ Ceefax to be brought back for all households within the M25.

8/8...

There you have it, Countbinistas. No other candidate offers such a varied programme. If this manifesto floats your boat, you can help me get onto the ballot for mayor by helping me raise the £10k deposit. All extra money raised will be donated to Shelter. gofundme.com/f/countbinface…

Stay tuned for more fun in the days and weeks to come. Here’s to the wonder of British democracy!
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