Thread by @zackferguson

Star Trek if Starfleet was run by the NHS, a thread.

7 of 9 is new to the crew and starting on nights. She asks about rest facilities and is told there is an alcove where she can stand upright with her eyes closed if she’d like. She says the Borg provided private rooms and hot food for every drone. The captain does not respond.

Vital ship upgrades require 8 weeks downtime, during which both life support and gravity will be unavailable. On completion, the crew emerge from stasis to discover the ship’s computer has been successfully upgraded from Windows 95 to Windows 98, but warp speed is now 40% slower.

Cardassians are able to infiltrate Starfleet Command after they find Wesley Crusher’s copy of the bridge handover list - complete with all his passwords - in a public toilet on Rigel VI. To close the ensuing SI, estates supply the bridge with an additional confidential waste bin.

Warp speed is down, leaving the ship adrift in the neutral zone. Picard heads to engineering to see what’s wrong, but just finds a sign on the door that says “REPORTED” with a stardate from 3 months ago. He assumes Geordi hasn’t gotten around to it yet and returns to the bridge.

A transporter accident fuses Data and Neelix into a new entity: DATIX. Datix seems devoted to ship safety at first, but later descends into a passive aggressive hot mess, threatening to murder crew members for replicating stinky Klingon food and not using SBAR on Away Missions.

The crew struggle to book annual leave. It seems the rota has become sentient and is refusing all requests until excel spreadsheets are recognised as a new form of life. After a prolonged ethical discussion and several passionate speeches, Picard decides to uninstall MS Office.

It’s time for Picard’s annual re-appraisal. Admiral Necheyev is pleased to hear he’s fully recovered from being assimilated by the Borg but VERY disappointed that he never completed the second cycle of his holodeck safety audit. Outcome 3 - additional training time required.

The warp core is about to breach but Geordi is unable to access engineering as his log-in has expired. He calls the helpdesk but Starfleet has outsourced IT to Ferengi telecoms and he is told to wait 6-8 lightweeks for a replacement smart card to be sent via second class shuttle.

A female cadet reports Riker for sexual harassment. Good thing he’s still an active member of the academy Rugby society! Number 1 receives a Starfleet Teaching Excellence Award for his dedication to undergraduate education. The cadet is transferred to stellar cartography.

The ship is boarded by Romulans, who force all of the parents on board to eat their own children while listening to Klingon hair metal.

To help the crew recover from this traumatic event, Troi and Crusher organise a yoga session on the holodeck. They are the only ones to attend.

Following his transfer to Deep Space 9 from the Enterprise, Chief O’Brien is surprised to learn that - despite not receiving a salary as he works purely for the betterment of himself and the rest of humanity - an issue with his Starfleet pension means he now owes HMRC £98,473.24.

Ensign Kim is excited about his promotion to lieutenant... until he gets an email from Health Education Earth informing him that his time on Voyager will not be counted toward training as it took place outside of the alpha quadrant. He quits Starfleet for life in Space Australia.

Riker asks Worf is he can call him “Wolf” as it’s easier to pronounce. When he asks the commander to respect his Klingon heritage, Riker just laughs. Later on, Worf sees Riker post about feeling bullied at work with the hashtags #BeKind and #CivilitySaves. It gets over 30K likes.

Janeway is sick of every new species they meet assuming Chakotay’s the captain and she’s his First Officer when she’s a highly-respected Starfleet officer and he’s literally the galaxy’s most boring terrorist.

The security officers ask Kirk to up their danger money in view of how frequently they are killed on Away Missions. Kirk calls them heroes, offers them a pay rise below space inflation and agrees to clap for them the next time he’s making it with a beautiful alien. They accept.