All this Lager Talk reminds me of a BEERy Thread...

It is an exceptionally hot summer. Time for a beer. I went to the local Theka Sharab Videshi.

“Gimme two bottles of chilled beer please” I said to the shopkeeper.

“Sorry sir. Dry Day. Birthday of River Ganges" replied he!

👇
2n
Yes. Rivers have birthdays now. I went back the next day. “Can I have the beer now?”

He handed me two bottles. I was on my way home. The police stopped me looking awfully serious.

“Sir. We have received intel that you have alcohol in your car” said the police inspector.

👇
3n
“Yes. But I did not consume any before I started to drive”.

“That does not matter. You are now holding a bottle within 5 km of the river Narmada. Get out of your car”.

I got out. Another constable came and murmured something into the inspector’s ears.
...
👇
4n
“Sorry sir. You can go”.

I was surprised and asked him why.

“We have just been informed that due to scanty rainfall, the river boundary has shifted around 5 meters. You are in the safe zone”.

“Phew. Thanks sir. I will go straight home and drink only there”.

👇
5n
“OK. Please don’t drive by MG Road. We have another check-post there. That is within 500 meters of a school. Don’t take Rajiv Chowk either. That is within 200 meters of a place of worship. You can get caught”.

“OK. So what should I do now?”

...

👇
6n

“Take SV Road for now. Also go home and download the beta version of the ‘Google Maps’ app. They now have ‘TIPPLE routes’. Red for traffic jam, Blue for smooth, Yellow for slow moving and Brown for the No Alcohol ‘Dry’ zone.

These are now UPDATED in real time basis”.

👇
7n
I reached home and opened my bottle. Suddenly the bell rang. It was the police again.

“Now what?”

“Sir. We have received intelligence that you have alcohol in your house”.

👇
8n
“Yes. But I am not within 500 meters of anything and the Ganges, Narmada, Kaveri, Indus, even the bloody Mithi River is more than 5 km away”.

“Sir. Rules are rules. We have to check if you are old enough.”

I showed him my PAN card.

👇
9n
“Sorry sir. This won’t work. Too many fake IDs out there. Did you know there were 4 lakh fake students in schools in UP.
Pls place your hand on this machine so that we can authenticate. It is all biometric now”.

I placed my rt thumb on sensor. A red light started flashing.
👇
10n
“Sorry sir. We will have to confiscate your beer!”

“Now what? I have complied with all the rules” I protested.

“Sir. New rule of yesterday. Mars is in the 5th house of your Almanac. Alcohol sold to anyone whose Mars is weighing on his Rahu in the 4th house is illegal".
👇
11n
“How the hell do you know that?”

“Sir UID. Your ‘kundli’ is now linked to your Aadhaar card”.

😝😜😂

Por favor a venerable veteran Beer aficionado!

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More from @RaveenKr

17 Apr
Thread: Mil Humor
Military Minor SD which actually outweighs Major SD in fauj 🙃

Words that Military Officers use to sharpen their drafting skills:-

1. Offrs don't "correct" a text; They 'Amend' them.

2. Offrs don't merely "think". They 'Opine'.
👇
2n
3. Offrs don't "outline" remedies or issues; They 'Adumbrate' them.

4. Offrs don't "suggest" to their superiors; they recommend.

5. Offrs don't "support" with facts; they Corroborate it.

6. Offrs don't "show" skills; They Demonstrate.
👇
3n
7. Offrs don't "say" anything; They aver.

8. Offrs don't "disagree with a fact"; They contend it.

9. Offrs don't "finish submitting"; They rest their case.

10. Offrs don't use the word "understand"; They use "construe".

👇
Read 9 tweets
14 Apr
Thread ...
Finally a bonafide 'SECULAR' Joke ... worth telling ... 😎

I went to a Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

👇
2
The Rabbi came laid his hands on mine & said, “By the will of Almighty, you will walk today!

I wasnt amused telling him there's nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”

I murmured, “There’s nothing wrong with me”
👇
3
The Hindu pandit came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs today."

I said "Babaji - nothing wrong with my legs"

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
👇
Read 4 tweets
6 Apr
A touching account about Sam Bahadur ...
From a portion of a mail written by a Military Doctor about the Late Field Marshal SHFJ Manekshaw.

The doc in question, Maj Gen BNBM Prasad, a noted pulmonologist who had spent nearly five years with the Field Marshal before his death.
👇
2
In his own words ...
"On June 22, 2008, barely five days before his death, I received info that Sam Bahadur has been admitted to the MH, Wellington & has asked for me. I flew to Chennai from Delhi and then travelled by road to Wellington ...
👇
3
It was quite late when i arrived but I went directly to him. He opened his eyes and asked: "Col Prasad, how are you? Have you had a drink yet?"
I replied: "We will have a drink together after you get better."
...
👇
Read 5 tweets
3 Mar
Ok Folks here's another one to tickul ur funny bones.

S.O.S.

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed past.

Fighter Jock decided to show off

So he radioed the C-130 pilot, “Watch this!”
Promptly going into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb ...

👇
2
& finished with a sonic boom right on the C130's face.

Then asked the Old Bird what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot radioed back ... “Oh that was pretty impressive, but watch this!”

And so ...

👇
3

The C-130 droned along in Radio Silence for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on air and said,
“So What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked,
“But What the heck did you do?”

👇
Read 5 tweets
3 Mar
Thread. Humor. Courtesy @aniltalwar2

Grandpa drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car sales room ...

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left ...

👇
2

“Amazing!” he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the floor a wee bit more ...

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car on his tail , blue lights flashing , siren blaring.

“I can get away from him - no problem!”
🤓

👇
3
'I can lose him easy peasy'
thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120 mph, then 140 & then 160 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense!”

So he pulled over to a side of the road & waited for the police car to catch up.

👇
Read 5 tweets
27 Feb
A Thread ...

51 Very IMPORTANT Things in Life :

1. Have a firm handshake.
2. Look people in the eye.
3. Sing in the shower.
4. Own a great stereo system.
5. If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.
6. Keep secrets.
7. Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

👇
2n

8. Always accept an outstretched hand.
9. Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
10. Whistle.
11. Avoid sarcastic remarks.
12. Choose your life's mate carefully. From this ONE decision will come 90% of all your happiness or misery.

👇
3n

13. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
14. Lend only those books you never care to see again.
15. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
16. When playing games with children, let them win.

👇
Read 11 tweets

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