Thread by @QuinnyPig

In an effort to broaden my mass-market appeal, I will attempt to livetweet today's #AppleEvent in this thread in something approaching my usual keynote livetweet style.

My tweet threads are to "shitposting" as Macbooks are to "laptops;" both involve garbage and the keyboard.

The best #AppleEvent streaming experience is on Apple devices using Safari. Other browsers "may be able to access the stream" but I've seen enough of these to recognize a "go fuck yourself" when I see one.

The "Audio descriptions" are hilarious. It's trying to explain what's happening. "A blue line swoops in from the top right and then the lower left, then swoops up back to the left. A thick yellow line moves up from the left and become slight green."

Accessibility is super important, but this has shades of "hey Siri, explain art to me" or asking a Google engineer to describe protocol buffers without a whiteboard.

Now we start with a giant colorsnake touring the Apple office. This is the most excitement to happen there all year.

Outdoorsy Tim Cook was going to record inside but he needed to get his steps in. #AppleEvent

Talking about how great the Apple Card is. Miss me with the invitation to sign up for debt.

Now talking about how unfair it is for couples to only help one person's credit. Now offering the ability to affect both people's credits. Paging @dhh!

"Now let's talk about Apple Podcasts." It used to look like this. Now it looks like... let's not talk about that.

Now the biggest change: a new app! Channels to find shows by creators. And Apple Podcast Subscriptions.

Launches next month in over a hundred countries. Cool.

Now let's talk about iPhone. Now available in purple.

It features the glorious shade of purple that your boss turns when you finally snap and start choking them for asking you to work weekends. #AppleEvent

Now a special announcement from Caroline about FindMy. A new accessory, apparently demo'd by this living PSA about the dangers of hipsterism.

If there's one thing the past year trapped at home has taught us, it's the importance of a electronic dingus to help us find our misplaced keys. $29 a pop.

More germane to everyone, let's talk about Apple TV a full year after an update would have been super helpful.

A sneak peek of a Ted Lasso season 2, whatever that means.

I kid, I kid. It's easy to dismiss the Apple TV as being out of date, but that's unfair; it's also super expensive. #AppleEvent.

"What makes AppleTV unique is--" its complete dogshit UX remote that you never pick up the right way in the dark?

The AppleTV 4K is now built with the A12 Bionic. I'm sure that means something to some people.

At this rate Apple is 5 years away from pulling a Samsung and naming monitors by throwing a wireless keyboard down a stairwell. #AppleEvent

It now works with your iPhone to adjust the color balance, which you didn't realize until now was a thing. Ugh, how am I even typing on this dogshit hue'd monitor?

Ooh, you can now use the remote in the dark after only eight short years of nonsense. #AppleEvent

And they didn't even raise the already obnoxiously high price. Available for order April 30th.

"Now let's talk about the Mac." Saying nice things about Apple Silicon. People love the M1. Pets love the M1. @Wired loves the M1.

Today they're launching something new. To tell us about it we go to John, live from the basement of Apple Park.

Tweetbot, Instapaper, Photoshop, Twitter, Slack, 1Password, a bunch more icons.

Still M1, a new mac built around it. It's an iMac. Hey @mike_julian, pass me your credit card for a second...

"Completely redesigned, unlike the Macbook and Mac Mini we shoved them into without a lick of thought." #AppleEvent

Still a giant chin. One piece of glass covers all of it. The back appears to have four USB-C ports and that's it. Uh....

Boasting about how thin it is. Uh... does the thinness of the desktop computer built into my monitor matter to me? No. Not even a little bit. As long as it's not two feet deep CRT style, I don't care. #AppleEvent

Two fans, under 10 db under normal use. 11.5mm thin. "It fits into many more spaces" they say, and show it somewhere enormous. 24" display. 4.5K retina display.

Camera, mic, and speaker upgrades.

Camera is 1080p FaceTime camera and image processing to make it awesome looking. No complaints on my 2020 iMac camera. I *think* this is the same thing?

"It's the best camera we ever put in a Mac."

Now talking about the 3 mic array. My podcast equipment plugged into my iMac glares in unimpressed.

This guy is WAY too excited about the speakers in this thing.

Now talking about performance. I can't *wait* to see what this puppy can do as an ssh client!

Machine Learning is up to 3x faster on this. That's nonsense; there's no point in ML if you can't use it to crank your cloud bill into the stratosphere. #AppleEvent

"Your phone calls go straight to iMac so you don't need to switch devices when you're in the zone."

If I'm in the zone, and I answer my phone, I will no longer be in the zone. #AppleEvent

4 USB-C ports under "connectivity." It also has a magnetic power connector.

Ethernet built into the power adapter, which made me delete a snarky sentence.

Now talking about their new Magic Keyboard featuring TouchID.

I don't want to hear a goddamned word about keyboards from Apple anymore. Their credibility here is trash.

Yeah, 8GB of RAM (likely upgradeable to 16GB) it's probably not going to be my primary computer. Don't tell @mike_julian.

For once someone is throwing themselves off the roof of an Apple facility in a way that doesn't say horrifying things about their culture. #AppleEvent

Takes mask off, it's Tim Cook.

That's a smart ad sales pitch; appeal to the CEO's vanity.

The M1 is now in the iPad Pro, or as it's being used this year, the "Couch-2-4K." #AppleEvent

They've been talking for a few minutes about the new iPad Pro. The single thing that sounds interesting is "there's now a 2TB storage option."

Okay, also the USB-C port now speaks Thunderbolt.

Add superfast storage, a full 6K resolution external display, or a... uh... help?

#AppleEvent

It now speaks 5G. @awscloud Wavelength team perks up with interest.

Now improving the cameras.

This is of interest to me if I ever attend a keynote in person again; better photos for livetweet shitposting is very important to my workflows. #AppleEvent

Ultra-Wide camera pans around to track the action.

They of course didn't put a camera at the top of the thing in landscape mode.

Now the 12.9" iPad Pro has the same display as their XDR pro display.

I refuse to accept it until they sell me a $1K iPad stand. #AppleEvent

Now showing some overproduced video. I'm going to pretend instead they're heartily welcoming Parler back to the app store instead. #AppleEvent

lastweekinaws.com/blog/parlers-n…

"Up to 16GB of memory." This is the first time I've ever seen a RAM spec disclosed for an iPad. #AppleEvent

And this concludes the #AppleEvent, and with it this thread.

Feedback always welcomed.

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